Hurlyburly Page #6

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You can tell by his face.

She's very energetic.

The look on Robbie's face

was priceless.

So I have to say,

I say, "Robbie, hey, hey...

"welcome to L.A."

And the look on the kid's face.

What?

I forgot about the kid.

Christ.

She's got a six-year-old

daughter...

and, you know...

she was there.

She was with us?

Yeah, in the front seat.

No. I was driving.

I don't remember.

We were ripped, weren't we?

Then we would have forgot

the whole thing.

I was personally blotto.

Bullshit.

Wow.

So Robbie's wong comes out,

and this guy's got one.

He's epic, right? Legendary.

The kid was catatonic.

The kid was petrified.

There's her mother

going into combat...

in the back seat

with this horse.

She looked like she'd gotten hit

in the back of the head...

with a rock. Remember?

This is sick, isn't it?

It's a little sick.

Once it was a guy from TV...

what chance did Bonnie have?

This was an opportunity...

to mix with the gods

we were offering her...

in the back seat of our car.

Hey, guys, come on.

You had a whim.

This is what happens to people.

They have whims.

You know, you're sitting around,

Robbie's coming to town.

You want him to like you,

to think well of you.

So you had this whim.

Did anybody twist her arm?

Did anybody force her?

Edward, Phil's right.

I mean, come on, what did we do?

Objectively, you know...

if you look at it

from a really long distance...

did anybody say,

"Bring your kid"?

You got me runnin', jumpin'

Sleepin' in a chair

I need your lovin', your kissin'

is everybody ripped here?

We are involved

in a wide variety...

of pharmaceutical experiments,

madam.

I cannot express my gratitude

for your including me.

My girlfriend Sara has become

involved with this guy...

who just got out of rehab.

He's completely freaked out

on rehab...

inasmuch as he thinks

everybody should be in rehab.

And, I mean, you know, drugs.

I am telling this guy

that drugs are and have been...

as far as I can remember...

an ever-present component

of my personality.

I am a drug person...

and I would not, if I were him,

consider that anything unusual.

Unless he is compelled

to reveal to the entire world...

his ignorance

of the current situation...

in which most people

find themselves.

That is what I'm telling him.

Who is this guy?

I know ways

to make guys stop anything.

They may think they have

the courage of cowboys...

but I could change their minds.

See, that's what

I'm getting at, Eddie.

A person like this guy can only

be found in your household.

So dangerous.

Well, who isn't?

No. In ways

that you can't imagine.

That's hardly likely, Artie.

Wait a minute.

What was your name again?

Is this the hand

of destiny again, Eddie?

Look at it.

The hand of destiny

again emerging just enough...

from all the muck and sh*t

so that we...

can get a glimpse of it.

What do you mean, Mickey?

What does he mean?

It's a blind date.

Oh. You invited me over

for this guy, Eddie?

She don't have to, Eddie!

She should know that this

could be the final straw...

for me to justify

some sort of butchery.

Wait. What was the agenda?

Do you want to go upstairs?

I want to go out.

I don't have a car.

Eddie, can I borrow your car?

I got a car.

OK. Eddie, can I take this?

We'll be back in a little.

Will you guys still be here?

Yeah, where else?

Phil, I have a feeling

that you will enjoy my car.

Balloons, balloons.

Now something

from Helen and the Hellcats.

Hope you're feeling

as good as I am.

It's a beautiful night

under the city lights...

of Los Angeles...

So what do you want to do?

You want to go to your place,

you want to go to my place?

You want to go to a sex motel?

They got waterbeds.

They got porn

on the in-house video.

I'm hungry.

You want a Jack-in-the-Box?

I love Jack-in-the-Box.

Is that code for something?

What?

What? Is what code for what?

I don't know.

I don't know the goddamn code!

Hey, Eddie,

can I ask you something?

'Cause I'm curious about

the patterns of bullshit...

by which people pull the wool

over their own eyes.

So could you just give me

kind of just a...

a little hint as to the nature

of the delusion...

with which you hype yourself

about this guy?

Phil and I have

a certain intuitive thing.

You don't have

to get into a snit about it.

Well, you desert me for this

f***ing guy all the time.

I don't desert you.

You're lying to yourself.

Yeah, you are.

Just because you're Jewish...

doesn't make you Freud,

you prick.

Just because you are...

whatever the f*** you are...

doesn't make you whatever

the f*** you think you are.

So...

This goddamn embodiment

of apple pie, Eddie, is just...

I got news for you... bullshit.

So, I lie to myself, huh?

- Oh, my God.

- Well, who better?

I mean, you know,

I'm a very good liar, and...

I'm very gullible.

So what is it with you?

Everything's just

a f***in' ploy, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

I think you know.

I don't. I swear.

You're just trying to avoid

the f***ing confrontation.

What confrontation?

We're having a confrontation

here, goddamn it!

- We are?

- Yeah.

I am.

God!

I'm gettin' out of here.

Mickey, do you want

to get out of here?

Sure.

Where are you going?

Just forget about it, Eddie.

You're f***ed up

a thousand fold...

and you f***in' know it.

You don't have to deal

any garbage...

What's he yellin' about?

I think what he's trying

to get at...

is that he considers

your investment in Phil...

which is in his mind

sort of disproportionate...

and maybe even secret...

And mind you, this is

Artie's thought, not mine...

but maybe even fraudulent...

and secretly self-serving

on your part, so you know...

That this investment

is based on the fact that...

Phil is very safe...

because no matter how far

you manage to fall...

Phil will be lower.

You end up crawling

along the sidewalk...

Phil's gonna be on his belly

in the gutter looking up...

in wide-eyed admiration.

This is what Artie thinks?

Let's go if we're going, Mickey.

So why is everybody

on my case for, all of a sudden?

Nobody's on your case.

You maybe have

some misconceptions...

about how smart you are,

that's all.

Certain facts being pointed out

is all that's going on here.

Don't take it personally.

What would make you mad, Mickey?

Hey, I'm sure it's possible.

So you want us to swing by

and pick you up?

F***, no!

Why don't you ask Darlene

how she feels about you...

going back on coke, Eddie?

Don't mention Darlene to me.

Don't you f***ing talk to me

about Darlene!

You gonna remember

any of this later, Eddie...

or is this one of

your biodegradable moments?

Yeah, so what is it?

Grids of sophistication?

What is the arrangement by which

you assess what's what...

so you're left

utterly off the f***ing hook?

It's a totally unconscious

process, Eddie.

You know, Eddie...

how come you got to put me

at the mercy of such a creep?

Can I ask you that?

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