Hurricane Bianca Page #3

Uh, can I have a, uh,

vodka soda, please?

What?

Really?

Dry county.

Wait! There's, like, no booze

in the whole county?

No-no wonder there's

no gay people here.

Just get him

a club soda, will you?

Texan always come prepared.

-I'm Richard.

-Karma.

Karma Johnstone.

You parents

must be a good time.

Why is that?

Well, most parents don't

name their children

after Buddhist principles.

Would you prefer

I had a normal name?

Something plain, like Mary?

Mary's not plain.

Mary's angelic.

I know plenty of Marys.

None are angelic.

Mary was mother of Jesus.

If someone were to ask me

to bear the child of God,

I'd have to say no.

You'd abort the baby Jesus?

Abortion is murder!

Pay him no mind.

Listen, I host a radio show,

and I'm doing a promotion

tonight at the Tin Room.

It's about a 30-mile drive

right on the county border.

Do they serve real drinks?

Does a bear sh*t in the woods?

(donkey brays)

(speaks indistinctly)

If I gave you a dollar,

would you go away?

Come on, let's go

and have a lap dance.

-Just go.

-That's enought, Snake.

Thank God you're here.

Great show tonight, gorgeous.

Thank you, Jocelyn.

I'll have my usual,

and can we get two shots?

Uh, no. No, no.

I can't drink.

Bad things happen when I drink.

Make it four.

Four shots.

You're going to kill me.

(Announcer)

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage

Ambrosia Salad!

(cheering)

Guess what,

ladies and gentlemen?

Ambrosia-palooza

is back in business!

You're gonna need this.

(gagging)

And tonight,

prizes will be awarded

for the best impersonation

of the wonderful,

for the ever-so

drop-dead gourgeous...

me!

Miss Ambrosia Salad!

(cheering)

(makes clicking sound)

Well, apparently

it's perfectly legal

to do what they did here in

Texas and in 28 other states.

I Googled it.

My brother went to school there,

and he was terrorized.

I'm thinking I might

want to do, like,

a protest or something.

You know, peaceful, obviously,

because enough people

don't know about this.

We're outnumbered, baby.

That's why we had

to drive so far to get here.

Well, I won't stand for it!

Ooh, that works fast.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, where's the bathroom?

(Ambrosia)

We got any more volunteers

for the contest tonight?

No. No, no.

No. No, no.

Not me.

Gorgeous, um,

what's your name, sir?

His name is Richard!

No, I don't have a game.

That is not my name.

-Yes.

-No. No. No!

I don't do this!

No, no, no.

Looks like we found our final

contestant in tonight's contest!

Come on, Karma.

You are a b*tch.

(both make clicking sound)

Ohh... sh*t.

(Reporter) This just in...

The storm, which is about

1,300 miles from land,

has reached speeds

in excess of 75 miles per hour.

In fact, the NHC has

categorized Bianca

as a category 1 hurricane.

Hurricane Bianca is going

to cause more problems

than anticipated.

Now we've got the lastest

from Del Rio, Mexico,

where residents are

preparing for the worst.

(humming)

Good morning.

(Karma) Buenos dias, senorita.

And what is your name,

my young lady friend?

(laughs)

Hung Over.

Nice to meet you.

Hydrate.

Thank you.

(belches)

Ooh.

Not a very polite lady.

Well, that's because I'm a man.

I think gender is really

just a social construct,

you know what I mean?

It is far too early to be

talking about things like this.

You know, when I told you

about my little brother

that was terrorized

in Milford High School--

Yes.

...I was talking about myself.

What?

Growing up, I thought

I was just a little gay boy.

Then I realized there was

a bit more to me than that.

I would have

never have clocked you.

I don't tell a lot of people,

FYI.

But I figured after last night,

I could trust you.

Sure.

Oh, about last night.

I'm almost afraid to ask.

First, you introduced

yourself as Wilma,

Wilma Shitstink.

Then you wouldn't give

the microphone back.

Well, if you were really funny,

you wouldn't need me

up here, would you?

(laughing)

You know what's funny?

Is that your name

is Ambrosia Salad,

and it looks like you eat

everything but a salad.

Fact!

(makes clicking sound)

Do I owe anybody an apology?

Are you kidding me, Wilma?

Everyone loved you.

You won the constest.

Well...

We're going to have

to let you go.

See you never, flamesauce!

Mama thinks I have

a chance at this year's

Teacher of the Year award.

The winner gets 25 grand.

Hmm.

(car engine revving)

(Radio Announcer)

This just in...

In the next 48 hours, Hurricane

Bianca is expected to strengthen

and is forecast to become

a category 4 or above.

(bell rings)

Hi.

I'm here to interview for

the science teacher position.

What's your name?

Uh, Bianca, Bianca Del Rio.

Does the principal

know you're coming?

Of course, Debbie.

It's Deb or Deborah.

Never Debbie.

Wow, what a gorgeous photo.

Is that you, Deb... bie?

Teacher of the Year ceremony,

Such a proud moment

for our school.

First and last time

Milford's ever won.

Humm.

(telephone rings)

-Hmm?

-What's next, Deborah?

Oh, some wannabe teacher,

and a little retard who says

he got beat up so he could

get out of gym class.

Forgive me, Deb, but is

this school part of the NEA?

The who?

The National Education Association

that's trying to remove the

R word from American schools.

(chuckling)

Well...

Especially when used as slang

in a negative

or derogatory context.

Look, this particular student

has been a problem at the school

for quite some time.

-So just--

-Don't worry.

They're only trying to

remove the word, not the people.

(whispering)

You'll be safe.

(whispering)

That's not funny.

It's not a joke.

Just a statement.

Just a statement.

So, you're a cougar.

Uh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Houston University Cougars.

Oh!

Yes, Yes. Cougars.

Go, Cougars!

I grew up in Houston.

Football scholarship.

Impressive.

(beep)

Sir, there's a real long

list of students

that need to see you right now.

(Richard) Can we talk about

something off the record?

(Principal) Sure.

You're looking at your

next teacher of the year.

(Principal)

What makes you think that?

Hire me, and you'll

get a lot more than

just a brilliant

science teacher.

I've got ideas, Wayne,

lots of ideas than can help

more than just

the science department.

It can help the whole school.

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

I can't pay you

extra for all that.

My only reward will be the

satisfaction that I gave back

to a community that

has treated me so well.

I want to sharpen

your pencil, Wayne.

Oh! Disgusting.

That will work.

Good.

Nope. Nope.

I can't believe

you're doing this.

Do you think

she would wear this?

I mean, I want

to keep her classy.

Richard,

I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about you too,

that you're not using

enough moisturizer.

I'm serious.

I'm serious too.

That's why you're going to

teach me everything you know.

The fate of this school rests

on your dainty little

sholder... pads.

Please tell me those

are sholder pads.

Putting all this

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