Hurricane Bianca Page #4

effort into this. Why?

Because you're pissed off!

You need to move on.

I was pissed, but I haven't

given up hope on these kids.

They're not

full-grown bigots yet,

and all it takes is one teacher

to change their lives.

Who's it going to be?

The one with the rodents

on her b*obs,

or that stupid Coach Chuck?

Coach Chuck?

Yeah.

You know him?

You could say that.

Wait a minute.

You like him.

Absolutely not.

You think he's dreamy.

Stop!

You like him!

You want to marry him!

Ow!

I have a secret to tell you.

Another one?

(whispering) So you know

that I grew up as a boy,

but what you don't know is--

Why are you whispering?

We've in your house alone.

(whispering)

But what I didn't tell you

is the experience

that I had growing up.

Okay, you need to stop,

bacause this is freaking me out.

Okay.

(whispering) So what

I'm trying to say is--

You're doing it again!

This is difficult for me!

You need to calm down!

(both grunt in frustration)

Coach Chuck is my baby brother.

Is it a requirement

in this town

for everyone to be related?

We were close

when I was younger, but...

I ran away after I came out.

You're the only person

I've ever told any of this.

Let me get this straight.

So Miss Cartoon B*obs is related

to Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

You used to be a man.

I'm dealing with

my own identity issues,

and now you're

trying to convince me

that you're related to Little

Black Book and Titty Cake?

So you won't say anything?

Who could I possibly tell that

would believe this sh*t, Karma?

Is this the front, or the back?

It's a poncho, b*tch.

(Over PA) We'd like to introduce

the newest member

to Milford's teaching staff.

Starting today in the

senior science department,

please welcome Miss Del Rio.

Smear the queer!

Smear the queer!

Yeah!

(shouts indistinctly)

Smear the queer!

Smear the queer!

Smear the queer!

(chanting continues)

(air horn sounds)

Get some of that!

Get--

What the... What...

What on earth?

(air horn continues to blast)

She's not going to last.

She might last longer

than Professor Gaywad.

I give her two days.

I give her two minutes.

Let's start with covalent bonds.

Um, Miss Del Taco?

(laughing)

Call me Miss Bianca.

It's easier

for you to pronounce.

Um, when we have

a substitute teacher,

we always

just get a study period.

Oh, really?

What's yout name, sweetheart?

I'm Keely.

Keely?

Well, I'm going

to call you Bath Mat.

(laughing)

Not because of that

lovely vest you're wearing.

It's because I think

you smell like feet.

(laughing)

Bath Mat, you have

detention after school.

For what?

Did you happen to notice

your classmate getting beat up?

Yeah, but I wasn't doing it.

Not, but you laughed

and didn't help.

It's just as bad.

Detention, two hours.

(laughing)

And you!

Detention all week.

I have football practice!

Not my problem.

I love your outfit.

Where did you get it?

Salvation Army?

(laughing)

No, I got it from

someone named Lady Gaga.

Heard of her?

What?

Like, at a concert?

No. Like, we're friends

from New York.

(gasping)

Yeah, and Britney Spears

is your sister.

No. But Cher is my cousin.

Bullshit.

(laughing)

What's your name?

Oh, wait.

I know what we're

going to call you.

White Trash that Won't Burn.

(laughing)

(gasping)

(groaning)

Miss Dorito?

(laughs)

Hey, James and the

Giant Peach, keep it down.

(laughing)

You can't call me that.

My parents are lawyers.

Your parents are siblings.

Now shut-up!

Look, we all pitched in

and got these for you.

To welcome you to Milford High.

Oh, how nice.

Bath Mat, pass these out.

They're for you.

(chuckles nervously)

Hand them out

to the class, Bath Mat.

I'm feeling very

generous today.

Miss Del Rio,

may I have a word?

Of course!

What a lovely, unexpected

surprise, Deb... bie.

Outside!

(Students) Ooh!

(laughing)

I understand you're

new here, Miss Del Rio,

but it is against school policy

to feed the students.

So that's why you're here.

You smell food.

I wanted to give this to you

before you started your lesson.

Creationism.

Hmm.

Now, is this from

the school board,

or your own personal collection?

Well, we believe

in teaching an alternative.

Miss Ward, these opinions

are far more religious

than scientific.

God created the universe.

That's not an opinion.

That's a fact.

This is a science class,

not a Sunday school.

Let me make something

very clear, Miss Del Rio.

It is in your best interest

to get along with me.

Let me make something

very clear to you, Debbie.

I'm f***ing this cat.

You just hold the legs.

Got it?

(clapping)

(laughing)

Silence!

Read chapter eight for tomorrow.

There will be a quiz.

(Karma) Stay calm.

There's eyelash glue in

the emergency kit I made you.

Oh, yes! I found it.

Thank you.

There's also a disposable razor

in case you need a touch up.

Bobody likes a hairy lady.

You are a lifesaver.

Mwah! Thanks.

(Chuck) You okay, pretty girl?

Uh, yeah.

Everything's fine.

You know this is

the men's room, don't you?

God!

Well, I don't...

I don't have my contacts in!

So you're

the new science guru.

Uh, yeah.

Today is my very first day.

I'm, uh, Bianca.

-Coach Chuck.

-Yeah.

And good luck with that group.

Yeah, they really are a...

-a handful.

-Yeah.

Lucky you weren't

here last year.

Two of my kids climbed

to the roof and made bets

on who's going to hit

the ground first of they jump.

Sh*t.

Well, they're fine now.

-But it was a mess.

-Hmm.

And you know

what the French say.

Mi casa is su casa.

-It means, That's life.

-Yeah.

You are so cultured.

I'm sure I'll be seeing you.

I'm sure.

(sighs)

(cheering)

Let's go, Mavericks!

Whoo!

That smells real good.

Oh, it's honey gloss.

It smells delicious.

It tastes good, too.

(cheering with excitement)

(Announcer) Touchdown!

- Our team! Our team!

- That's the wrong team, stupid!

(Cheerleaders) Ready?

Okay!

U-G-L-Y...

You ain't got no alibi!

You ugly!

Yes, yes, you ugly!

Whoo!

(Richard) Oh, my God, ladies.

That wouldn't ignite a fart.

You think you can do better?

Well, they can't get any worse.

Will you shut up already?

Will you?

-Come on, Mavericks.

-Whoo! Whoo!

Okay, ladies, you want

to make this happen?

Let me show you something

that Miles Cyrus

taught me in Amsterdam.

Whoo!

I know, I know.

Shh! Listen.

So what you're going

to have to do first--

(Announcer) First down

for the visiting Bison,

leaving Milford

trailing by four.

Looks like any hope

the Mavericks had

of breaking their losing streak

will be dashed.

Tits up!

Sparkle, Meely, sparkle.

Y-- Ugh.

Hut! Hut!

Hike!

One, two, three...

...five, six, seven, eight.

We are the Maverick girls!

We wear our hair in curls!

We wear our dungarees

above our dirty knees!

We wear no underwear!

Check out our derriere!

Whoo!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Holy sh*t!

(blows whistle)

Touchdown!

(cheering, exclaiming)

Good work! Whoo!

Cheer, damn it! Cheer!

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