Hurricane Bianca Page #7

to be following y'all back home.

You say y'all now?

-Stay here. Barf.

-Shut up.

Richard, why would you quit?

Well, to be honest, A, the

kids are already doing better,

B, I'm doing to get fired again,

and, C, I miss brunch.

Come to White Party!

Yeah!

Come to White Party!

No, no, no. I said brunch.

Eggs are white.

Nice, job, Tommy.

Mr. Bobby.

Here you go.

I got a B-plus!

(gasps)

I've never even got a B defore.

Very well-written, Bath Mat.

You actually

have a bright future.

If you work hard!

Oh, my God!

I got a B-minus!

That is so unexpected.

Well, I guess you're no longer

the dumbest class in school.

At least on paper.

(chuckling)

(intercom beeps)

Please excuse the interruption.

Miss Del Rio?

Principal Wayne would

like a see you after class.

(Students) Ooh!

What'd you do?

Come on? Tell us?

Shut up!

(laughing)

Principal Wayne,

your daughter is gorgeous!

That's my wife.

Oh!

It's your wife.

Well, she's, uh, very blonde.

I've asked you to come here

because I'm, uh,

faced with a very

difficult decision.

Join the club.

I notice you've been taking a...

very unusual approach

with your students.

Well, Principal Wayne,

some of the kids are a**holes,

and I have to treat

them accordingly.

The language you use could be

argued as inappropriate to some.

Some of them deserve it.

You feel it's working?

In fact, I do.

Then I've made

up my mind, Bianca.

I've made up

my mind as well, sir.

I've decided to nominate you--

You don't have

to fire me. I quit.

...for Teacher of the Year.

-What?

-What?

What?!

Ah!

I don't know what to say!

I...

Not one student has missed a

single class since you started.

That is unprecedented.

(beep)

This is outrageous!

I'm sure it didn't hurt

that you lied to them.

Oh, why don't you go ahead

and tell us all about

your cousin Cher, huh?

Or your best friend, Lady Ga-ga?

How's she doing?

Well, I... I haven't

talked to her in a while.

You really know this Lady Ga-ga?

Yes, sir.

Oh!

You are so full of sh*t, Bianca.

If that even is your real name!

Do you think it would be too

much to invite this Lady Ga-ga

to the ceremony?

It would be great

publicity for the school.

I will certainly ask her.

(sighs)

Okay.

(phone rings)

Mama?

Hi.

Yeah.

This line always takes forever.

Yeah, I'll meet you in a few.

I'm just getting my hair done.

-I could colour for you.

-Thank you.

-Yeah,

-I could colour for you!

Oh, you always

talk on the phone.

Talk talk on the phone.

Never talk to me.

You only white lady who come

in here and never talk to me.

Don't come back!

Bye!

Hi.

(screams)

(Richard) Sh*t!

What the f***?!

(shouting indistinctly)

Part one's done, Sis.

You found her?

Well, of course I found her.

Now make sure

no one else will.

And no scars, right?

(cackles)

Nothing visible.

You got it, darling.

(cackles)

-Hey.

-Oh!

Mama!

Oh!

(laughing, crying)

You look beautiful.

(crying)

Thank you.

Oh, Daddy.

(knocking)

Oh, God.

Chuck doesn't cry.

(laughing, crying)

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Hey, Mom.

(Chuck) Oh, that's a good hug.

A good hug.

(Richard) This has gone too far!

I'm a science teacher,

for Christ's sake.

What is this?

Unsolved Mysteries bullshit?

What can I say?

I can't believe

what just happened.

Thanks for being

such a good friend.

I'm glad you're

in my life, Richard.

You're still not allowed

to sleep with my brother.

Bye, b*tch.

You know that

you're going to jail.

This--

(voice muffled)

You know Carly wanted that

teacher award you're after.

Sis always makes sure

Carly gets what she wants.

I'm just supposed

to keep an eye on you

until the ceremony is over.

Now I've got

to leave you out here!

Hey, I know it might

be weird to call,

but something crazy

just happened

I want to tell you about it.

Also, I had a really great

time with you the other night.

I hope we can do it again soon.

See you soon, pretty girl.

(Willie) Sorry, lady.

Blood is thicker than water.

What that means to you

is family always comes first.

(lighter clicks)

What the hell?

(Richard) F*** off, Fatty!

(grunting)

(Willie) Sh*t!

Son of a B*tch!

You f***ing b*tch!

When I find you, I'm going

to cut you open like a cow!

(snake hissing)

(Richard) Housekeeping!

Morning, angels.

I knew you were

going to be hungover.

-Where have you been, girl?

-Ooh, coffe.

Listen, I can explain.

But first, I need

you to meet my friend.

This is Karma, and Janice,

Janice, Karma,

Stephen, Bailey.

(All) Hi.

Okay, I need your help.

Uh-uh.

See, we called you,

like, 50 times yesterday.

Someone from the school

tried to have him kidnapped!

I heard everything!

Hold up. They're kidnapping

b*tches over here?

Oh, hell to the no.

See, you need

to call the police.

You cannot call the police here

because everybody is related.

It's not a real town.

It's like a big family reunion.

What?

-Explain.

-Okay.

It's like sometimes

when you walk in the club,

and then you look around,

and you're like,

Well, damn,

I done slept with

everybody up in here.

-Oh, okay.

-Proceed.

Well, look.

I have a plan.

Ooh, look at you, sounding like

Miss Tranny MacGyver Fish. Yes!

Well, I've had time

to think about it

because I've been

walking for 13 miles.

What?

Explain.

Um, it's like walking

from Soho to Harlem.

Don't they have uber here?

(groaning)

(Richard) Hurricanes form

in tropical regions

because they need warm water

of at least

80 degrees Fahrenheit.

The most characteristic feature

of hurricanes is their eye,

a region of dry air about which

the strongest winds circulate.

(thunder crashing)

(chanting)

Gaga! Gaga! Gaga!

(chanting continues)

This is the Karma Sutra show,

live from the Texas Theatre,

where there are rumors

that there will be an

appearance by Lady Gaga

at tonight's

Teacher of the Year Ceremony.

Who the hell are you?

I'm part of G's security team,

and I need to go

through this building

and make sure

it's secure before the event.

Whose security team?

G's security team.

Yeah. Who's G?

G. Lady Gaga. G.

This has been cleared for weeks.

Oh, well, this is news to me.

Well, you listen

to me, Polka Dot.

Now, Lady Gaga herself is on

her way here from the airport,

and if I'm not able

to go through this building

and make sure it's secure

from crackheads

and cracks in the ceiling,

then I will makes a call.

She will turn around, and

trust me, you don't want that.

Gaga! Gaga!

(chanting continues)

All right. Go ahead.

Thank you.

Nice dress.

Hey!

Knock it off out there!

Gaga! Gaga!

(panting)

Ooh, I've got

to start going to the gym.

Oh!

Oh!

Ah!

Son of a b*tch! Ah!

Be careful!

Girl, I'm sorry.

I was going to cut you

a breathing hole, I promise.

All right, come on,

Reese Littlespoon.

(snaps fingers)

Hi.

Oh, hello.

Uh, okay, Wayne, here you go.

And here is one

for your daughter.

That's my wife.

(giggles)

Oh, you.

Oh!

(cheering)

She's coming!

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes