I Could Never Be Your Woman Page #6

If you send $140.00

how much is the flower per pound.

I don't know.

You didn't even try.

I mean, even if I get it right

Mr. Skinner says

that I didn't figure it out

the right way. I hate math.

If you eat 3 cookies

and 50 calorie plum

and you had 140 calories

- how many in one cookie?

- 30.

Right.

So why do they make it so hard?

Did Adam call?

Because I think that he's coming over.

(Phone ringing)

Ma your purse is ringing.

Oh that's Adam's phone.

Hotshemama!

Is that the new "You Go Girl" poster?

No, that's Brianna

in a bedroom with someone.

Well I'm not going to help you pack,

so don't go there.

Someone just sent it to him.

If this was sent to the phone

wouldn't it be in a...

message place? I mean, how did it get

to be there when you turn it on?

How did TiVo know

that you like "South Park"?

How did they get "Baby's Got Back"

to be a ring tone.

I won't jump to any conclusions.

I'll talk to him about it.

Honey!?

I'm home.

Alone.

Starring Macaulay Culkin

as a boy who was inadvertently left

by him self

at his house

when his parents go on vacat...

What are you making.

My phone.

I've been looking for...

When'd you did this?

You are right he isn't cheating!

How'd you tell?

He's not that good an actor.

Guys!

Guys, can we finish this?

What for?

So we can make the show better.

The writing's on the wall.

Come on, for the shorties.

OK, Trays band is blowing up and Yomena

feels unappreciated and she says...

- Where's Rosencrantz and O'Reilly?

- Mail.

They had a meeting with Marty.

And they were wearing jackets.

A network meeting?

Oh look!

I never got one of those

picture tickets befo...

- It's so great your doing that.

- Anything for the kids.

Hey have you and Adam

been seeing each other?

No

Is this what you're wearing?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Great.

Not even just friendly,

going places, driving around.

Rosie.

Hey, she's here.

You sure?

I may be a lot of things

but I'm not a liar.

- Hey thank you so much for doing this.

- Sure.

- TSA taking one.

- Action.

I would never ever date a smoker.

- Cut.

- Great check it.

Be with you in a minute.

- Cortney Love?

- Drop out Hag.

Fay Dunaway?

- Don't call us we'll call you.

- Sharon Stone?

Hag.

- Gena Davis?

- Hag.

- Sigourney Weaver?

- Hag.

- Kim Basinger?

- Hag.

- Emma Thompson?

- Britt hag.

- Susan Sarandon?

- Richly alienated hag.

Meg Ryan?

Too much plastic surgery.

Melanie Griffith?

Way too much plastic surgery.

- Patricia Heaton?

- Pointless plastic surgery.

Cher.

Insurmountable amount

of plastic surgery.

Listen you little bird of a man where

do you come off insulting these women?

How many good songs did you sing?

How many Oscars do you have?

Could you look cute

next to Warren Beatty,

or live with Don Johnson,

or act with Ted Dansen?

You're not worthy of

kissing Cher's tattooed ass.

He'll see ya now.

Hey you look great.

How's Lizzie?

You're asking me about my kid

something must be wrong.

OK, I won't BS ya.

There's fewer and fewer

spots for scripted show.

They're expensive dinosaurs.

No one cares.

"Two And A Half Men"?

Older woman, the least desirable demo.

If we want the kids we gotta

be cutting edge and off the chain.

That means music and cloths.

You keep lowering our budget.

Face it "You Go Girl" is...

straight played.

I'd rather tell you now

since we're friends then...

So you're replacing me

with a reality show.

Actually we got a sitcom for that slot.

Two hip young writers,

Rosencrantz and O'Reilly,

have created a show for

this hip new funny kid uh...

Oh wait you know him,

Adam Pearl.

It's called "The Shizzle".

"The Shizzle"?

"The Shizzle".

It mean the new cool stuff.

No, it doesn't,

it means sh*t!

I can't say anything and you

can name a show after sh*t!

How do you like that?

Good luck.

I'm sure it'll live up to it's name.

Thanks for your support.

Rosie!

Hey Henry!

ehhhh.

See? You should have been Pinkey.

Congratulations on your show.

It's really funny.

- Thank you. We're having a great time.

- My kid loves it too.

Oh yeah, talking about your kid...

I think she got hold of your phone book.

I got some crank calls.

- You know.

- What?

Yeah and, now listen, I don't mind.

But if she calls an executive

with no sense of humor.

Oh my god. I am so sorry.

No no no no it won't happen again.

Believe me I understand. My kids still

do it and their in their 20's.

- I'm glad to see ya.

- You too.

- You look great.

- Thanks.

(Both) - I'm sorry.

- I can't believe you did such a thing.

What were you thinking?

Nothing.

Was it just Henry Winkler?

Who else did you call?

- Jerry Stiller.

- No one.

Who else?

Andy Dick, Justine Bateman,

Kirstie Alley, Heather Graham.

- David Hyde Pierce

- Uhhuh.

- Johnny Knoxville

- Right.

Mel, I think you should go home now.

I'm sorry.

This makes me look like such an idiot.

If you have someones home number

it's because they trust you

to protect their privacy.

Now I look totally unprofessional.

I'm sorry.

What am I going to do with you?

You could punish to me.

Like I could write an

apology to everyone I called

and not use the phone for a week.

A month.

That's excessive.

Two weeks.

OK.

What's going on all of a sudden?

Everyone I take care of is turning on me.

Mom, you're globalizing.

(Both) Weird subjects in this night,

forces of love's pure light.

Why is it so dark in here?

What...

What are you guys doing?

- Putting a spell on Dylan.

- We're witches.

That's so sad.

Don't worry Ma, we're not Satan

worshiping human sacrificing witches.

- We're black mini-skirt witches.

- Like in "The Craft".

It's just lousy that

the only way teenage girls

can feel in control is

to be anorexic or witches.

How do you do this anyway?

If you want to sell in your true love

you grind coriander seeds

while you chant to light

candles anointed with love oil.

Love oil?

You used canola instead.

I am hungry.

Let's get some Coco Crispies

to hold us over.

You the letters right?

From Zack.

Come together.

Let this grinding be a tether.

Were have you been? I've been calling,

e-mailing, text messaging.

I'm dying to tell you something.

Marty said I should wait.

- Marty?

- Yeah.

What, cause he didn't want me

upset until the shows were done?

I don't know.

Unbelievable.

Hey listen...

Listen, they want me to

do a mid-season pilot.

Ok, well what's that got to do

with what you have to tell me?

That's it.

It is what I have to tell you.

What about Brianna?

What about her?

Don't make me look like an idiot.

I know what's going on.

If you guys are

getting involved don't....

Don't hang around and pretend

you care about me.

What?

Where's this coming from?

This came in mail.

Well this is craz...

Someone is obviously screwing with you.

It is what I thought.

Someone must be screwing with

me by playing with your phone.

But is the department of motor

vehicles screwing with me?

And is the sound department

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