I Could Never Be Your Woman Page #7

also screwing with me

when I heard you hitting on Brianna?

Hitting on Brianna!

Are you smoking crack?

- You were flirting with her.

- You told me to?

Why would I do that?

Because you said that she needs

to think everyone's crazy about her.

I never said that.

That's not what I heard.

I knew this would happen.

You're a big shot.

You're on TV.

So you want to to get

back at all the females

that didn't appreciate

you in high school

- so

- Oh...

you have to get all the

cute young girls you possibly can.

I don't want cute young girls!

I want you!

- You know what I mean.

- All right, get out!

I am too old for these

high school dramatics.

You're the one that's acting adolescent.

- I'm upset not acting adolescent.

- Hey, how you two kids getting along?

Oh God, please tell me

you're wearing shorts under that.

Yes. But there just cut really high.

Dude besides I've got good legs

and a great butt.

Yeah well,

you know that's what everyone says.

- "There's Nathan, what an ass."

- Uh hey, don't let me interrupt.

- He was just leaving.

- No I wasn't.

Get out!

We are done with this discussion!

You can tell when she's really angry,

her voice gets all high and squeaky.

Yeah.

Look I'll admit that

something sketchy's going on.

And I've never even been

in a car with Brianna.

But if you don't believe me

we've got serious trust issues.

Exactly!

I always said that.

- What has this got to do with you?

- Only everything.

This is the first guy you've dated in 10

years that I can actually hang out with.

And I do not want you making the same

mistakes with him that you made with me.

I am trying to be Bruce Willisy.

Which is great because

I'm trying to be Ashton.

Which in turn would make her Deme.

Yeah or Demi or Dem... no I think Dem...

One which is Dem... I actually it's Dem...

- Yeah the thing is Demi. Well um...

- Is she nice?

Yeah she's very nice.

But I think she's a Demi.

- I don't think she cares if she's a Deme

- What are you two idiots talking about!

I am not Demi! You are not Aston!

And you...

are defiantly not Bruce Willis!

- See how high it gets?

- Yeah.

After my bachelor party

only dogs could hear.

I believe it.

Look, this is crazy all right, I'll....

Let's just calm down.

Get out!

- No!

Go!

I'm g...

OK, I'm going to go. But...

we're not done here.

I'm going to call you.

- Hey...

- No!

You were going to throw it anyway.

- Fine.

- Thank you.

Izzie!

Let's go honey.

No boyfriend,

no job.

Just a lonely spinster with a kid.

You happy now?

I'm watching, just a minute.

You know this makes allot of sense,

Mrs. Robinson is

sophisticated and gorgeous.

She gives this kid

the best sex of his life,

asks for nothing in return,

he, pulls a Soon-Ye, dumps her,

and she's supposed to be the monster.

Could you not get crumbs all over?

Why? It's not as if anybody

sleeps on this side of the bed.

What's wrong?

Why does something have to be wrong?

OK.

Katy is such a b*tch!

She's standing by the snack

truck and she tells everyone:

"I think I'll go out with Dylan".

And she knows I love him

because Colin told her.

So Melanie says "You

know that Izzie likes him."

And she goes:

"Yeah, well just because Izzie likes

him doesn't make them a couple."

Can you believe her?

She doesn't even like him.

She's just jocking me.

What's jocking?

Copying, and don't put it in your show.

Did you tell Katy how you feel?

No.

Can I change my name to Drew?

What's wrong with Izzie?

Nothing.

Could you just call me Drew from now on?

I hate this place.

Why do I have to try on pants?

You can't keep wearing

the same ratty jeans everyday.

Why don't we just buy them?

I don't feel like driving back and forth

I look like a cow.

Does the waist fit?

- Their humongous.

- I just need to see the waist size.

They don't fit.

- Their too small for me.

- They look good.

- They won't close.

- Oh.

- Well what's the length?

- There tight Ma, forget it.

I'm to fat!

My belly is gigantic!

You wouldn't understand!

You've got a flat stomach

and you're pretty.

No honey, no, my face this falling down.

Everything is drying out. I'm...

I'm hurdling toward Cloris Leachman.

You're young.

You're like a fresh new peach.

Izzie you're beautiful.

Don't you get it?

I'm not beautiful!

I'm not even cute!

I'm an ugly pig!

Oooh, waggle string.

Can I have these?

Yeah.

Bet Adam sent them.

All right, what's the dealeo?

Why aren't you on the set?

This is sh*t.

Look, you told me you'd get

me the "You Go Girl" writers.

But you didn't get me Rosie.

That's a whole extra producer.

I don't need that.

When I took this job you promised

me the whole "You Go Girl" group.

You've got those two writers.

Yeah, but that's not the group.

That's like giving me the News

minus Huey Lewis.

Look kid you are blowing

a jinormous chance.

You going to give up you're big shot

to be loyal to some broad?

Is that how you want to roll?

As a matter of fact Sinatra,

that's exactly how I want to roll.

I'll be back when you get her.

Hey Dawson,

let me give you some advice.

You're going to want to

cut those apron strings.

Otherwise you're never

going to be a real man.

I don't need to be a real man.

I'm an actor.

Ma?!

Hey,

don't you want to make

be a high fiber breakfast?

Like you would ever eat such a thing.

Just have you're Lucky Charms.

Hello.

Hey, that's quite a

Frankenstein you created there.

What are you talking about?

That Adam kid.

He doesn't like the scripts. He...

doesn't take direction. They tell me

he doesn't trust anyone but you.

So I'm thinking, maybe

you'd like to come down

and be supervising

producer on "The Shizzle."

I'm thinking...

maybe not.

You're thinking maybe not?

Maybe not?!

Well I'm thinking sh*t!

Strutting bucks walk shoulder

to shoulder sizing each other up.

While the females wait to attach

themselves to the strongest males.

Bucks lock antlers in mortal combat.

Whoever is victorious will intrigante

and then trick females of the herd.

The challenger leaves in humiliation

without sewing his seed.

So that's how it is.

Most powerful male gets

most babalusious female.

That's right.

Well what if there's a

really cute male antelope

or a female that shows

signs of leadership?

- Useless

- Why?

Look, there's an order

to this mayhem business.

Why can't we change things?

Haven't you self centered pet cloning

a**holes changed enough?

It's not natural.

What's so great about natural?

- What?

- Think about it.

Tobacco's natural.

Prozac's unnatural.

Earthquakes are natural.

Television's unnatural.

Natural sucks.

She can't seem to stay on task.

Her homework is tardy.

Her language is crude.

Also, there's far too much

socializing with her neighbors.

Now, I know you're a working woman.

But I was hoping for

a little more discipline at home.

Well the thing is...

Izzie just got her period.

And she's had really

extreme mood swings.

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