I Could Never Be Your Woman Page #8

Believe me I'm well aware of puberty.

Well,

did you know that a girls test scores

can very up to 20 points at

different times in her cycle.

And not to mention the fact

that even female teachers

start giving lower grades

to girls as they develop.

That's preposterous!

Why would teachers do such a thing?

You tell me.

I mean... Well...

Why did she get this and this and this

and these three questions

wrong when the answers are right?

Because she didn't

show her work correctly.

But she got it right.

The standardized tests require

her to get to the answer a certain way.

But her mind works a different way.

Well my job is to get the students

to do well on the standardized tests.

Wouldn't it be better to encourage girls

to feel good about math and science

instead of tricking them into

thinking they are stupid?

I've got an idea,

why don't you teach her

to stop the potty mouth

and let me teach her to

take the standardized tests?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you take the standardized

tests and shove it up your ass.

Well at least I see where

the language comes from.

Honey.

You're the best Mom ever.

Let's get out of here.

Young girl, wants to be a big name.

In movies they must all be the same.

She won't need to sing or to act.

Just loose all of her body fat.

And isn't it moronic.

Don't you think?

It's insane!

Izz, when ever you sing that part

in the car you really belt it out.

Oh yeah, that's the screaming part

but I decided to sing it regular.

How come?

Because everyone will be at the show,

Dylan will be there.

So?

Sometimes I hit the not

really good you know and...

But sometimes I don't and I just...

I don't want to take chances.

It doesn't matter if you

hit the note or not.

As long as you just go for it.

Dive in!

Balls out!

As long as you give it all you've got.

No ones going to care if it's on the...

Da the uh...

The thing.

- Key?

- Yeah.

And don't try to be safe.

It's insane.

That they lose so much weight.

It's young and cold,

but no food on her plate.

It's a common thing

barfing up a cake.

They think they're all two

stick figures.

Sounds great!

Action.

Quiet!

"Dear Rosie, I'm sorry I didn't have

time to give you two weeks notice"

"but I got a job on "The Shizzle",

Best luck Jeannie"

Hello.

They've offered you a really nice bump.

I uh...

I just don't want to do it Stove.

You want me to tell them that

and then we'll see what

they come back with?

They've called about 4 or 500 times.

What're you going to do Hickum?

I'll never be God.

Whenever some chess club

is gettin' pounded on.

I'll be there.

Whenever somebody's flossin' about

how he b*tch slapped the little guy.

I'll be there.

And when ever Melvins band together

to open up a can of whoopass.

I'll be there.

Ok, we can't use whoopass so lets

use smack down on the hater thing.

Can I see the dailies

for the beach scene?

Don't bite my stuff.

Oh wait, sorry, sorry.

Can I do that again?

Action!

When we called Pink.

I said shotgun.

You know what if this were 1990

I would say talk to the hand.

But since it's not, my

hand won't be bothered.

You said that Brianna needs

to think everybody's crazy about her.

I never said that.

And Jan is in love with him.

And she's past aggressive.

Past what?

You know, past aggressive.

People who act all friendly

but really aren't. Like Jeannie.

Look what I made Brianna.

And Sean.

It's hilarious.

Hey come in.

So, what is the hold

you have over this kid?

I believed in him and he knows it.

I'm the one that brought him to you.

Oh yeah.

How do you like that.

You're such a putz.

But if you want me to consider your

offer you have to do something first.

Anything.

Get rid of Jeannie, my old secretary.

That's gonna be kind of tough.

- Why?

- It's just tough firing people.

When did you start

caring about secretaries?

You fired everyone you ever slept with.

It's me or her.

OK.

What?

Listen zippo, you even think

about it and I'll go to your wife.

Ow sweetie...

Go ahead

and I'll show her your

little photography project

and tell her what a little liar you are.

You dried out old b*tch!

Why don't you hasbeens

ever move over for young talent?

Since when did screwing producers and

eating craft services become a talent?

- Wow, look ladies...

- Now what am I supposed to do?

Where am I gonna work?

I'm sure you could get your old

corner back on Hollywood Boulevard.

There there there.

Oh!

She hit me.

We'll talk.

Wow that was fun.

Listen parents, the talent show's

about to begin.

I always knew Jeannie was a psycho.

She must of really liked me.

Ah, how can you blame her,

I mean...?

Poor thing.

I'm sorry.

I was an immature baby.

Well...

It's to be expected at your age.

No, I should have trusted you.

I just got so paranoid you'd leave me.

Because I'm such an old hag.

I'm not that superficial,

I don't care how old you are.

- You don't?

- No I just care how much you weigh.

Oh nice!

That's really nice.

What's that?

Ladies and gentlemen our PTA chairman

Sally Plummer.

Welcome to another school spring fling.

You know spring is a time of renewal

and...

and that's why we're so delighted

to see all you fathers out there

with you're second and third wives.

Everybody's a comedian.

Uh, So with out further adieu

our MC for the day Dylan Nicholson.

Everyone, I'm Dylan and I'm an alcoholic.

And then school I'd

like to introduce to you,

You know 'em, you love 'em,

Melanie, Jane and Izzie!

Go Izzie!

So hot, must be 98.

September, that's not so great.

Where the north pole is turning slush.

On my TV there's President Bush.

And isn't he moronic?

Don't you think?

Incredibly moronic.

And yet you really do think.

He's a pain,

in the whole world's ass.

He saps them all,

for a gallon of gas.

How can it be,

we voted him in?

I just don't see how it figures.

The pop star,

who went on TV.

To this whole world,

can't sleep here with me.

Mother says to son,

Neverland ranch will be lots of fun.

Isn't it moronic,

That's my daughter.

don't you think?

That's my daughter.

Technically moronic.

And yes I really do think.

It's all lame,

but the dog and the cat.

Too big is small,

till along came your Dad.

He won't like them when they're bigger.

Wasn't that the best?!

Oh, what a voice!

What a voice!

She gets that from me.

- You hurt your face.

- No, no.

I got a chin implant.

Yeah, they say if you extend your chin

you don't need a face lift.

- Oh cool.

- Where is she anyway?

- I'm going to go congratulate her.

- No! No, leave her alone.

See whats going on?

Hey, Izzie.

You want a slushie?

Ok

See ya.

How did you knew that

was going to happen?

I'm a Mom.

Don't get too excited about him.

Now what's your problem?

Remember the "This will never

work he's too young" scene?

Well eventually you'll hit

the repay button on that one.

So it might not last.

You could say that about anyone.

Besides,

that isn't what I was looking at.

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