I Heart Huckabees Page #5

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''Happy birthday, Mr. President. ''

and pocketbooks.

Oh, say, can you see

how good this looks?

Let freedom ring.

At Huckabees...

the everything store.

''Huckabees cornucopia

of stuff we all want.

''But what happened to the gazelles?

Were they squashed...

under the CD department?''

- Hey, Albert, how's it goin'?

- What are you doing here, Brad?

I met Brad when

I was investigating you.

He called with his own existential

conundrum. That's all.

- I'm really glad I found out about these people.

- That's bullshit.

He doesn't care about

things like this.

Bring me the African guy.

Where's that African guy?

- Dude, what're you talking about?

- Why does he get to write poetry?

There's no gazelles in North America.

Just so you know.

And that building squashing nature

is my imagery. You don't write poetry.

[ Bernard ]

Everyone's intake procedure is different.

I asked Brad to write a poem.

And it wasn't enough that

you came to my coalition...

now you have to

come here and do-- Okay, okay.

[ Bernard ]

All right, that's good.

We're the same, Brad.

It's all the blanket.

There you go.

Give it a shot.

- That is wonderful, Albert.

- Oh, honey, he's got it.

How are things

at the coalition, Brad?

Great. Much smoother.

Great, i look forward to coming back

and working with you.

I don't think that's going

to happen, my friend.

i'm still in the charter.

i built the coalition from scratch.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't want

to cramp you here.

That's what you mean to do.!

That's exactly what you mean to do.!

- What?

- What?

- What?

You see what he's doing?

Tell them what you're doing.

-What?

-He's come here to conquer you

like he conquered my coalition.

And now he's here today to unnerve me so

that when Orrin comes to town, i will blow it.

- That's what you mean to do.

- Albert, please.!

- Oh, my God, Brad. You're killing me.

- What are you talking about?

What am i talking--

Okay, when Orrin comes, i'll blow it.

I'll get kicked out, and then he can do

whatever he wants with the coalition.

- Who's Orrin?

- Orrin is the Open Spaces national director.

He's coming to review

our charter.

I hope this isn't about Dawn.

He has a crush on my girlfriend.

- That's crazy!

- Why do you stare at her?

-She's a model.!

-[ Brad Laughs ]

- I'm going home.

- Oh, no.! Albert, please.

Stay with us for mancala hour.

I'm gonna have a f***ing ball

at mancala hour, aren't I?

Maybe Albert

should meet his other.

What? Tommy? No, that's

a bad idea right now.

Yes, a dicey move. Maybe even dangerous,

but potentially inspired.

Bernard, give them

both a connection.

Maybe, but Tommy's in a bad direction.

It could spread to Albert.

You said Tommy was gonna be fine.

What are you leaving out?

Nothing. Give him his other.

It's an inspired idea. It's groovy.

The connection will

come back to us, Bernard.

- It all comes around. Like

you say, take the long view.

- Long view.

- What's the other?

- We're going to find out right now. Shh.

[ Woman Singing in Spanish ]

- [ Man ] There was a drought.

- [ Woman Continues ]

- There was no crop.

- [ Woman Continues ]

No olives.

No soul of life.

No rabbit in the oven.

We mashed locusts

and made bread.

I have no idea what you guys

are talking about.

I thought we were going

to talk about petroleum.

Mrs. Echevarria visits us

once a year from Spain.

She's sort of a little

treat for our clients.

A kind of

spiritual petit four.

Something that would be useful for you

to be accustomed to.

- Yeah, a real treat.

- You have received your answer.

Senorita, the petroleum situation

was not created by nature...

like the drought or

the olives or any of that.

It was created by people,

and this is the facts.

It was created by people who

act like nothing's happening...

- and that's causing all the problems.

- No, no, Tommy.

- One question only. Uno.

- Okay.

- Here's the question--

- No, no. I think--

You've had your question and the answer,

Tommy, please. Senora is tired.

Senorita, why do people only ask

themselves deep questions...

when something

really bad happens?

Then they forget

all about it after. Right?

How come people are

self-destructive?

And third,

i refuse to use petroleum...

but there's no way I can stop its use

in my lifetime, is there?

Jimmy Carter would have

a great electric car by now.

I could have a Cadillac Escalade,

and it would be electric.

- I wouldn't have to ride on my bicycle.

- That is three questions.

I paid my money and I want a f***ing answer.

So just give me a second.

i know, dear boy. We wanted

you to meet Albert.

- I thought you said next week.

- It turns out he can use

a connection sooner than later.

Tommy has been working

with us since that--

The big September thing.

He's going to be your other.

- What is it exactly?

- Like a buddy system I think.

When we dismantle,

it can get kind of rough. And it helps...

to have a friend

going through the same.

Do you drive a car?

A bike.

Sometimes I take the bus.

Good. That's good. I like that.

I can see why they put us together.

- Tommy Corn.

- Albert Markovski.

- I'll be your other.

- [ Vivian ] Join us for mancala hour.

- Come. Come. Gracias, senora.

- [ Spanish ]

[ Chattering ]

- What's happening with your case?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean?

- They won't let me see my coincidence file.

You want them to solve a coincidence?

That's why you came here?

- Yeah, that's why I came here.

- Who's the girl?

The face of Huckabees.

- Tops and mops?

- That's her.

- I doubt your coincidence is meaningful.

- Why?

I have a book by a French thinker

named Caterine Vauban.

She says the same thing they say here about

dismantling your reality to see the big picture.

- What's the difference?

- Here, they say everything's

connected in the blanket.

Vauban says nothing's connected. It's all

random and cruel. It doesn't matter what you do.

That's nihilism, Tommy!

They find it threatening.

But it is very convincing.

You know, my ex-girl

won't let me see my daughter.

She's brainwashing her

not to think or feel.

- What kind of reality is that?

- Not this one.

Exactly. i think you shouldjust look

in your fle if you want to.

- How am I gonna look at my file?

- You wanna see your file?

I'll distract them.

You slip in for it.

Act naturally.

Here comes your boy.

Hey, you play mancala?

Didn't know you were interested in

existential issues, Brad.

Why? 'Cause I'm a dumb sales executive

instead of a sensitive artist like you?

No, I just never heard you

talk about it. That's all.

Why do you think

I joined the Open Spaces Coalition, man?

- I thought you cared about the issues.

- I do.

Obviously you had

a different agenda, didn't you?

- What books do you read?

- What books do i read?

PhilJackson's

Sacred Hoops.

Really. i read the galleys when it arrived

at Huckabees, and you know what?

Seriously, that book's

got some good questions. You should read it.

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