I Love You, Man Page #10

It's like,

you were basically just using me

because you needed

to fill out your wedding party.

Dude, no. Not it at all.

I'd actually given up

on meeting someone,

and then you wandered

into that open house, we hit it off,

and three-quarters of the Rush

songbook later, here we are.

- I just wish you'd have told me.

- Well, I was embarrassed.

I mean, you've had a close group

of male friends your whole life. I haven't.

I started feeling

like some kind of weirdo.

I get it. But I just want you to know

that you're my friend,

and you can tell me anything.

Thanks, Sydney. I appreciate that.

Hey, man, look, about that investment...

Pete, please,

forget I even brought it up, honestly.

I've been saving my whole life,

and you were right.

I'm gonna sell the Ferrigno place.

F***, yeah, you are.

I'd be happy to lend you the money.

I know you're good for it.

Pistol, that is great. Thank you.

It's the least I could do

for the best man at my wedding.

What are you talking about?

I want you to stand up there with me.

Are you cool with that?

Am I cool with that?

Of course I'll be your best man!

That's an honor! It's...

You're a whore, Peter.

- I think we're almost there.

- I think we're almost there, too.

I think it's just about putting

the random people together.

- Yeah.

- We should talk about the main table,

because if Hailey doesn't find a date

before the wedding,

which, let's be honest,

it seems pretty likely that she won't...

I know.

...we have an extra seat at our table.

Well, I was thinking that maybe

Sydney would sit at our table.

I asked him to be my best man.

Great! That's awesome.

That was the whole thing.

I'm not an idiot.

You're not psyched about this at all.

No, it's just...

I feel like he has some issue with me.

What? No. You guys just haven't

spent any time together.

- We've spent some time together.

- I'll talk to him.

Peter, do not talk to him.

He's gonna think

I'm saying stuff behind his back.

- You are saying stuff behind his back.

- No. I'm just sharing a feeling with you.

And I want you to.

But, Peter,

please don't say anything to him.

Okay, I won't.

So, we still have

to pick up the marriage license.

- Can you meet up tomorrow afternoon?

- Totally, yeah. Perfect.

So, what'd she say

about me being your best man?

She was pumped.

She thought it was awesome.

Come on, dude.

I'm the worst liar.

I promised her I wouldn't say anything.

Well, what is it?

She thinks you don't like her.

What? That is... No, of course I like her.

Are you...

We've only hung out a few times,

but she's gonna be your wife.

Of course I like her.

This dumb toast

is gonna haunt me forever.

Oh, man!

Dude, why is Ferrigno eating

with that urinal-cake-faced fuckhead?

We gotta confront him. Hold this.

No, wait. Sydney, wait, wait.

Wait. Sydney!

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

What the f*** is going on here?

- Do I know you?

- No, you don't know me,

but I believe you know

my friend Peter Klaven,

who has an exclusive listing

on this man's property.

Lou, you promised Peter

the commission to your house.

I know, but he's not doing sh*t with it.

That is total crap, Hulk, all right?

Listen, this kind of stuff

doesn't happen overnight.

Peter, who the hell is this guy?

Hulk, let me tell you something

about Peter...

Look, please get your hand out of

my face and stop calling me Hulk.

I'm a person, okay?

I'm a person, okay.

- I warned you.

- You warned me?

- Hello?

- Hey.

I'm on my way to the marriage bureau.

F*** you, Lou Ferrigno!

Is that Sydney?

- Hey!

- F*** you, Hulk!

Oh, sh*t.

What the... What are you doing?

- What's going on?

- Sydney. He's fighting Lou Ferrigno.

Peter! He's so strong!

- Easy. Don't fight it.

- The Hulk has me in a sleeper hold,

- and I don't think I can take him...

- Easy. That's it.

Peter!

- Wow.

- Peter!

Why the f*** would anyone

get in a fight with Lou Ferrigno?

Sydney's a hothead.

He thought he was standing up for me.

To The Incredible Hulk?

No, that's just a character he played.

In real life, Lou's actually a sweet man.

So, what does that mean

for your development property?

It means it's over.

Without the Ferrigno commission,

I'm not gonna be able to afford it.

You have some money saved up.

Can't you just write them a check,

you know, to show your good faith?

Between the wedding, and then,

you know, I lent Sydney some money.

I mean, it's just I'm gonna be short.

That's it.

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You lent Sydney money?

For an investment.

All his money's tied up in equities.

- He's gonna pay me back.

- Peter, that's not the point.

We're getting married. You can't

just keep stuff like this from me.

Can I ask you a question?

Why do you think we're getting married?

What are you talking about?

No, it's just... Sydney asked me

that question, and I couldn't...

"Well, why Zooey?"

And I didn't know how to answer it.

- Are you kidding? You're kidding, right?

- Yes.

Two weeks before our wedding

and you don't know

why you're marrying me?

Just forget it. It was a stupid question.

I don't even know what I was thinking.

Just forget... Take it back 10 seconds

before I asked it,

and let's live in that time.

The thing is, Peter,

I get why you would wonder that. I do.

But I wish you would have answered

the question before you proposed to me.

That's the thing.

Before I didn't even think about it.

That came out bad, too.

I didn't... I'm so...

I'm confused.

I don't know what I'm saying.

Let me just make this

a little simpler for you.

I'm gonna go stay

with Denise and Barry,

and you and your bud Sydney

can hang out and beat up Lou Ferrigno

and go to Rush concerts

and ride a tandem bicycle down

the Venice Boardwalk for all I care.

- We never rode bicycles.

- Goodbye!

Zooey, come on! This is ridiculous!

Zooey! Zooey!

Oh, my God.

My God.

All right, he put up some billboards.

Put up some billboards.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God! No!

F*** me over. F***ing f***ing f***!

Are you kidding me?

Come on!

Yeah, it's open.

Hey.

That's what you borrowed $8,000 for?

You saw the billboards.

Pretty awesome, right?

Pretty awesome?

My buddy Dave sells ad space,

so he got us a great deal.

Pretty awesome? They're idiotic.

You put my face on a 10-foot dick

over Santa Monica Boulevard.

Yeah. It's hilarious.

Well, in one day you managed to screw

my career, you ruined my relationship...

What are you talking about?

Ruin your relationship?

Zooey walked out on me

because I asked her

why we were getting married.

Why would you ask her that?

Pete, that conversation

was between you and me.

You can't have that talk with her. I just...

Look, I assumed you understood that.

God, I am so sick

of your ridiculous rules.

I like it that I can share things

with Zooey.

I like it that if I can't sleep at night,

she's there to talk to.

Do you know the best night

I've had in the last five years

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