I Love You, Man Page #11

is the night

that Zooey and I split a bottle of wine,

we made a summer salad,

and watched Chocolat together.

- You mean Chocolate?

- Chocolat.

- Chocolate with Johnny Depp.

- Chocolat.

You're not f***ing French, Pete.

It's called Chocolate.

Chocolate has got an "E" on it.

- That was your favorite night?

- Yes.

Your best night in five years is

watching Chocolate with Johnny Depp?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

The combination of wine

and summer salad and Chocolat, yeah.

You should be embarrassed.

You know, I think you're threatened

by what Zooey and I have

because you're afraid

I won't be able to hang out every night.

Hey, you know what?

I have a ton of friends, all right?

Yeah, who are all moving on

with their lives.

They're in relationships. They have kids.

They're growing up.

Hey, let's not forget.

You were the one using me.

- I think we were using each other.

- Whatever.

I really don't understand

what's going on right now.

I think we should spend

some time apart.

Okay.

So if I actually do

wind up having a wedding,

it's probably best that you not be there.

Yeah. Sounds good to me, Pete.

And if you could have

those billboards taken down...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it'll take

a few days, but I will get on that.

And I'll also make sure you get

your money back as soon as possible.

Also, I think you have

my season 2 Lost DVDs. If you...

- lf you haven't watched them yet...

- It's fine, Pete. They're right here.

- Thanks.

- Yep.

It's just Zooey hasn't seen them all yet,

and she's really curious as to what

was going on inside that hatch.

Yep.

- I wish you the best of luck, Peter.

- You, too, Sydney.

Bye, Anwar.

- Hey, Denise. Sorry to bother you.

- It's... I'll go get Zooey.

- Thank you.

- It's okay.

- Hey, Barry.

- Poker night.

- Full table.

- That's okay.

I'm here to talk to my fiance.

Nice face.

Thank you.

- On the billboards.

- Right. Yeah.

- Yeah, my friend Sydney, he...

- I don't give a sh*t.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Could I talk to you outside?

- Yeah.

- License to sell.

- Yeah.

Look, that's what Sydney borrowed

all that money for.

He thought it would help my career.

Well, it got your name out there.

Besides, you look pretty cute

with a thick mustache.

Zooey, look,

I'm so sorry that I asked you

why you thought we should get married.

It's just that I've been talking

about this stuff with Sydney,

and, you know, it made me nervous.

Peter, I'm nervous, too, okay?

It's a big deal.

I couldn't believe actually how sure

you seemed about the whole thing,

which is why I freaked out when you

all of a sudden started questioning it.

Well, I'm sure about us

for so many reasons.

Truth is, I've been a girlfriend guy,

but out of all those girls,

you're the only one

that wanted me to have my own life.

You know? You want me

to have friends for me, not you.

It's, like, one of the most romantic

things I could ever think of.

What's up?

Dude, come on.

Zooey, I love you, and I wanna spend

the rest of my life with you.

Can we get this engagement

back on track?

Okay.

- Please?

- Yes. Yes.

- Come on, it's poker night.

- So?

So just take her out for a cup of coffee

or something.

I'm not taking her out for a cup of coffee.

Why don't you take the boys

to f***ing Starbucks and play poker?

Because it's poker night here.

It's always poker night here.

Yeah, that's my best friend.

I'm not leaving her, ever.

How about that?

She can stay here for five years

if she wants to.

You're gonna dress up like

a cheerleader tonight for me, all right?

Fine. Get the f*** out of here.

Hey, Zooey, you can stay here as long

as you want. You are always welcome.

- Thank you.

- Okay? Hey, by the way,

Peter, they've got plenty of room open

on the poker table.

They were lying.

They'd love to have you play poker.

- I'm not going to.

- Okay.

Oh, my God.

Barry and Denise fight all the time,

and then they have really loud,

intense make-up sex.

Please get me out of here, please.

- Let's get your stuff. Come on.

- Okay.

By the way, I ended things with Sydney.

Peter, really?

I hope that's not because of me.

No, no. He can be a great guy. It's just...

It wasn't really working out.

Then you process your purchase.

That sounds riveting.

I just stepped

in your dog's crap, a**hole!

Aren't you gonna pick up

your dog's sh*t, sh*t giant?

Pick up your sh*t like a man!

Nice scarf, dickwad!

- Okay, so what should be our last song?

- Into the Mystic.

That's perfect. That is perfect.

Okay. Okay, so we have to go

through the place cards one more time,

'cause I'm a little bit...

Why don't you just call him?

Because guys don't do that.

E, Ethan. What's up, my man?

E. Bone Capone.

I'm just hanging out, man.

I wanted to see if you wanted to come

over and watch TV or something.

Again you're gonna watch

the Wonder Emporium?

Dude, what the f*** is there

to do at LEGOLAND

that you take these kids there

every weekend?

I understand that

that's not the point of teaching,

but just give them all B pluses.

Can I... Could I come with you?

What do you mean,

the kids think I'm creepy?

- Good to see you, Peter.

- You, too, Mel.

You know, I haven't had a real friend

since my wife passed.

I'm really glad you called.

Hey, do you have any plans

on June 30th?

I'm 89 years old. What the f***

kind of plans would I have?

Just needed an adjustment.

I hope it'll be better now.

My mother knew Roux's return

had nothing to do with the silly old door.

So did I.

Stupid.

My favorite, hot chocolate.

Davis Dunn, how may I direct your call?

- Hey, Leanne.

- Peter. Where have you been?

Well, it's my wedding this weekend,

so I've been helping my fiance

with all the last-minute preparations.

They broke the mold

when they made you.

Yeah.

Go check your voice mail.

You got like a million messages.

Yeah, is this Pistol Pete?

I have a home in Los Feliz,

and I've been trying to sell it,

and I saw your billboards.

I'm very impressed with your ads.

License to sell? That's hysterical!

It's like James Bond.

Hi, I'm interested

in buying the Ferrigno estate.

- lf you could give me a call.

- Oh, my God.

I love the one with you in the bed.

My number is 310...

- My husband and I saw your ad...

- Stop. Slow down.

Hello, Peter. It's Doug.

Saw the billboards. They are wonderful.

Wouldn't expect anything less from you.

And sorry about calling you a whore.

And hello to Sydney

if you guys are still together.

Otherwise, you can Facebook me.

Peter, hi. It's Lou Ferrigno.

Wonderful billboards.

Listen, I'm sorry

if I ever doubted you, man.

I told that douchebag Tevin

that I want you to have

the exclusive back on my house.

- Excuse me, Mr. Ferrigno?

- Yeah.

- Ten-minute warning.

- Okay. Thank you.

So just call me or just text me.

Goodbye, my friend.

There's my dog!

Hey, me rikey the billboards.

I completely underestimated you,

my brother.

What say we go down to Houston's,

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