I Love You, Man Page #9

- to practice, right, Peter?

- I got it.

He's kind of got a point. I mean,

we're really holding these guys up.

You're being an a**hole.

Hailey, just take your time, okay?

He's really not being an a**hole.

There's a protocol.

The marshals come by,

and there is some time pressure.

- You know, I'm done. This sucks.

- Hailey, please...

- I'm out of here.

- Please don't go.

- Where are you going?

- Come on, Hailey. It's okay.

- I apologize. I'm sorry.

- I mean, we'll... Come on, Hailey.

- Please come back.

- Where are you going?

- Did you say something?

- No.

Thank you.

- Hey, man.

- Dude Von Dudenstein,

- what are you doing tonight?

- I just left you half an hour ago.

I'm watching HBO with Zooey.

I know, but I just got an e-mail alert

from the Rush fan club.

The Holy Trinity is playing

a small club gig tonight at the Avalon.

Dude, it's Sunday night.

I can't bail on her again.

Dude, you have your whole life

to sit around

and watch premium cable with Zooey.

Whatever, it's our ritual. It's HBO.

It's not TV, it's HBO.

Have you ever watched Sunday night

programming on HBO? It's spectacular.

It's f***ing Rush.

I haven't seen them

since the Signals tour.

Can I invite Zooey?

- Slapping the bass!

- Slapping the bass!

What the f***?

Yeah!

My God. We could practice every day

for six months, and I'm planning on it,

and we'll still suck. Yeah.

I'll give you a call.

All right. Take it easy, Magooch.

- Were you spying on me?

- Yeah, I was.

Because I'm totally weirded out

about what's going on between you two.

What are you talking about?

We were just going over the set list.

- I mean, what's the big deal?

- The big deal is

that we were supposed to have

a date night,

and you took me to this concert,

which is cool,

but then we get there

and it's like I don't even exist.

You don't even look at me.

You're licking Sydney's bass guitar.

There were tons of guys

that were licking each other's basses.

I just...

I feel like I'm losing you a little bit.

What? We were just doing

a recap of the set list.

- What? Zooey.

- Okay.

I was going over the set list.

So the big day's coming up.

How are you feeling?

Well, you know,

I was feeling really good,

but Zooey and I have been

fighting a lot recently.

All right, let me ask you a question.

Why are you marrying her?

What kind of question is that?

Well, it seems to me like you've gone

from relationship to relationship,

so is Zooey the one

or is she just the next one?

No, she's the one.

All right, well, how come?

Because.

I don't know. We're in love.

And...

That's a hard question to answer.

Listen, I'm not trying to push you at all.

It's just for me,

sometimes talking this stuff out helps

to clarify things. That's all.

Let's go try on some penguin suits.

Thank you, lovely. What's your name?

- Raquel.

- That was my mother's name.

So I'm thinking about asking Tevin

if he wants in on the Ferrigno house.

Dude, I pissed on that guy's face

at a Bennigan's.

You do not need

to be splitting commission

with that frosty-haired chode.

I have to face facts, Syd.

I'm a flats guy, you know?

Tevin's got the flash needed

to sell the place.

What do you think?

You look f***ing stiff.

We're shopping for tuxedos

for your wedding, man.

Let's have a good time.

Loosen it up a little bit.

I wanna take a photo.

Now, give me an action pose.

Like what? What do you mean?

Well, you're wearing a tuxedo.

What do you think I mean?

When have you ever seen

anyone in a tuxedo do that move?

Besides Runaway Bride.

The ESPYs.

You're wearing a tuxedo.

Think James Bond, all right?

Give me some James Bond.

No.

It just looks like you're pointing at me.

- You look ridiculous, man.

- What am I... How can I... I can't...

- Think Timothy Dalton.

- T-Dalt.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Tell you what.

Give me your best Bond impression.

Why don't you get off your board

and get on...

"Get out of my dreams and into my car."

You looking for your pot of gold?

Why does everything I do

sound like a leprechaun?

You tell me. He speaks

like the coolest man on earth.

- The name is Bond. Oh, yeah.

- There you go.

The name is James Bond.

James Bond.

I'll have a margarita.

Well, hey there, Miss Moneypussy.

Wanna jump on my jetpack?

All right, enough of that.

Let's just take the picture, all right?

Arch an eyebrow for me. Other eyebrow.

No, you just look confused.

Arch your eyebrow up.

No, not both, just one.

I don't know how...

All right, maybe I was wrong.

Let's see the back.

You know what?

I'm not sure I'm in love with the drape.

What's wrong with the drape?

Does the vent move funny?

You should wear something

with a little more pizzazz, right?

- A little more flash.

- You don't like the split panel?

- Peacock it out a bit.

- No.

- Let's try...

- What are those? Checkers?

- Here. Give this one a try.

- Give me a break.

- No way, man.

- Come on.

I can't fricking pull that off. It's blue.

Look at me.

You have this image of yourself

as this straight-laced, tight guy,

but I've seen you cut loose

in the man cave, and it is fantastic.

Well, yeah. Slap a little bass.

Yeah, it's the same

with the Ferrigno house.

You have all of the skills in the world,

and you have no confidence.

Now, sack up, man.

Put on the f***ing suit.

I can't believe you just touched my balls.

Hey, so listen, I also wanted

to talk to you about something.

This investment opportunity

has come up. It's a total winner.

The only problem is

all my funds are tied up in equities,

so I'm cash poor right now.

So I was wondering if you would

consider loaning me a few shekels?

How much are we talking about?

You know, 8.

$8,000. That's... That's a lot of...

That's a lot of quiche, you know?

A lot of cake.

It just... It might be a little tricky,

just 'cause Zooey's dad

is out of the picture,

and, you know,

we're paying for the wedding ourselves.

You know what? Enough said.

An opportunity came up.

I thought I would ask. No big deal.

Can you tell me about the investment?

I can't, actually.

It's confidential in nature, so...

Okay. Let me think about it.

Yeah, of course, buddy.

Hello, Peter.

Doug!

- This is my...

- Sydney.

Sydney. This is Sydney.

You know, it takes a lot of nerve

to spend a beautiful evening

with someone

and then never call them again.

Doug, I can explain.

I just wish I could take back that kiss,

because I felt something

that I haven't felt in years,

and now I know

it was the taste of betrayal.

It wasn't the taste of betrayal.

- It was the taste of betrayal.

- No, it really wasn't.

It was the taste of betrayal,

you f***ing whore.

- Doug.

- Good day.

Doug, wait.

- I can actually explain what just...

- I would love to hear that.

Wow. I mean, I knew when I got

the nod for the engagement dinner

you didn't have a ton of friends,

but I had no idea it went that far.

Truth is, I never even thought about it

until Zooey and I got engaged.

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