I Love You, Man Page #8

- Is that her date?

- I'll give you the whole lowdown.

Should we...

What's up?

Hey, I don't remember.

Do you play an instrument?

- No.

- Because Syd and I, my buddy Sydney,

- we've been jamming a lot...

- I don't play any instruments.

I slap some bass,

and then Sydney's an axman.

'Cause I was gonna say

if you wanted to jam with us,

you know, that'd be cool.

But you don't have...

You have a piano in your house, though,

don't you?

- Yeah, I don't play.

- Really? Why do you have a piano?

The decorator put it there.

Your... Does he... I thought...

No one plays?

- I'm gonna go check on the table.

- All right. Yep.

- Hi. I'm Denise.

- Hi.

- Denise.

- I'm Zooey's friend.

I've heard so much about you.

- It smells like a f***ing pet shop in here.

- Hi. How are you? Okay.

- Mrs. Klaven, the banquet room is ready.

- And who's Mr. Sunshine here?

Hi. This is my husband, Barry.

Come on back, everybody.

The banquet room is ready.

Well, I'm filling myself up.

I need to undo my pants.

There's a lot of protein, but I love it.

If I may, I think it's only fitting

that we're eating tonight at Hop Louie's

because this is, after all,

Peter's favorite restaurant

to bring all of his dates.

So of course he would bring Zooey here

their first night out.

- Just like the rest of them.

- No.

I remember that night when Peter

got home, he called me and he said,

"Mom, this is the girl I'm gonna marry."

And it's not just because she wanted

an extra order of slippery shrimp.

On the first date?

- Hey, now.

- Sometimes.

But the point is,

here we are eight months later.

Peter, Zooey,

we love you,

and we wish only the best for you both.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- To Peter and Zooey.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Cheers, bro.

- Thanks.

Well, I promised Denise

we'd be gone after appetizers, so...

You know what?

I'd actually like to just say a few words

- if it's cool with the table.

- Wow.

What an honor it is to be sitting here

with Peter and Zooey's friends, family,

Hailey, Robbie's lover,

Robbie, Oz, Joyce.

Thank you

for hosting this beautiful dinner.

You got this guy

with the smoking hot wife.

And finally, we got Zooey.

Zooey, you are about to marry

one of the most honest,

kind and fun-loving people

I've ever had the honor of knowing.

The Pistol is a pleasure-giver,

that's for sure.

Yeah. A f***ing puke pistol.

And the thing about a man like that,

a man like Peter,

is that he never asks

for anything in return,

and that's why I'm here.

I'm here as Peter's friend,

as Peter's confidant,

just to say to you, beautiful Zooey,

give it back. Yeah?

Return the favor.

And if you do,

I guarantee that you will have a beautiful

and pleasure-filled union.

- I don't think she sucks his dick.

- Watch your mouth.

With that, I'd like to raise a glass

to Pete and Zooey.

Cheers.

- Peter and Zooey.

- Cheers.

What the hell did you tell Sydney

about me?

Nothing.

I mean, aside from how much I love you.

So, what was with all that

pleasure-giver stuff?

I don't...

I might have mentioned in passing

or something

that you don't like doing oral sex.

- Peter, that stuff is private.

- Is it? Really?

And telling Hailey and Denise

about the hot tub in Mexico isn't?

- That is so different. They're...

- What? How?

- I've known them forever.

- So?

Peter, see, Sydney's like a stranger.

Hardly. He's become

a really good friend of mine,

and now you know how I feel

when there's no privacy

- between you and your girlfriends.

- I thought you loved those guys.

I do, I love them, but, you know,

some things I want to remain

between you and me.

Okay. Okay.

By the way,

it's not that I don't like doing it.

It's just that

Rodney just hated getting them.

Wait, what guy hates getting blowj*bs?

He had some weird

intimacy problems, okay?

By the end of our relationship, he would

literally shiver when I touched him.

But before that, I always liked it.

I liked it.

Great. That's great.

Perfect. I mean, no pressure.

It's not like I'm saying,

"Hey, let's go home tonight

and get some BJs." But, you know...

Look, if Sydney hadn't asked me

about our sex life,

we wouldn't even be talking about this.

- That's true.

- Yeah.

You're right.

- And Hailey was really into him.

- She was?

Yeah, she liked how honest

and direct he was with her.

And, yeah, I know, that's the way he is.

That's his thing.

- The four of us should go out.

- Yeah. That'd be great.

Yeah.

Sweet.

- Well, have a good Pilates class.

- I will.

- Be sure to drink lots of water.

- Yeah.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, Pete, let's go out back, yeah?

- Yeah.

- She was very nice-looking.

- Yeah, I f***ed her.

I wonder if my pineapple

matches your pineapple.

Hey, you want to check?

Nope. Yours is short and fat

and mine is long and skinny.

Yeah.

Pete, can I talk to you about something?

- Yeah, what's up?

- Will you put down your treat

for a minute?

I feel really horrible about that toast

I gave at your engagement dinner.

It was ridonculous.

I was really excited to meet Zooey

and your family,

and then I showed up there

and I was just... I got so nervous.

It wasn't so great.

I want you to know I'm really sorry.

Everybody must hate me.

No, no, no.

Look, you had good intentions.

- I did.

- I know one person that didn't hate you.

Was it Benji's wife?

She's a hot piece of ass.

- No, Hailey.

- Yeah. She was funny.

I think she likes you.

We should all go out.

She seems great, Pete, but honestly,

within five minutes of meeting her,

she was telling me how she can't wait

to get married and have kids.

Look, she was kidding around.

I made reservations to play golf

on Sunday for the four of us.

No, Pete, I told you,

I don't play sports with women.

Look, man, you told my fiance

that she needs to give me blowies

in front of my whole family, all right?

You owe me.

- You make a valid point.

- It's golf. It's fun!

I never have a beer until the ninth hole.

Maybe we can change that rule.

- Okay. All right.

- Keep your head down and fluid.

- Okay. Okay.

- Great, come on. You got it.

- Oh, my God!

- Whoa!

- Zooey, that was a great shot.

- Great shot.

Really, really good. I'm really impressed.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- F***!

- Sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry, Sydney. Sorry.

Motherf***er!

F***ing cock in my f***ing sh*t! God!

- Mary.

- You okay, man?

- I'm sorry.

- This is my nightmare!

- Whack it up.

- Whack it, Hails.

- Beautiful day.

- Yeah, it is. It's really nice.

It's kind of frustrating.

Yeah. My shin hurts.

I didn't realize

my skin could bruise that quickly.

- You're good.

- Guys, you're killing us here. Seriously.

- Let's get the ladies moving.

- Listen, just give me a second.

Rate of play, rate of play, rate of play,

rate of play, rate of play.

Hailey, you know what, why don't we just

pick it up and move down the fairway?

- No, this is fine.

- Because she won't have a chance

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