I Love You Beth Cooper Page #4

-What?

-Cows.

Let's tip one.

What. isn't that like

an urban legend?

Why don't you go

find out?

Me? It was your idea.

You're the guy.

More or less.

Go. go. go.

Okay. that's really nice. Okay.

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Okay.

Shh. Could you just: Shh.

-This is the one.

-Go. Shut up.

-Hey. okay.

Ew. Okay.

Whoa. What's that kind of--?

That's like a noise.

lt's a moo. okay?

Push it.

-Where?

-ln the middle.

Okay. push.

Oh. sh*t.

Do not laugh.

So. what are you thinking?

Nothing.

So. what are you

doing after graduation?

l was gonna--

They got this. like. pre-med

med-school thing at Stanford and....

Good luck with that.

So. what are your plans?

l don't know. Maybe go to old

Harpers Community College.

Harpers.

Yeah. no. cool.

They got a lot of

good credit courses.

Maybe. If l can afford it.

So l'm not Beth Cooper. huh?

You heard that?

Look. what l only meant was.

you didn't seem like....

The Beth Cooper

over your bed?

Right. Her.

She would never hook up

with some loser for a 1 2-pack.

No. she wouldn't.

And you don't have to.

You're better than that.

That's it. l'm done.

l'm going back. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bye. cow!

What's that sound?

-Cows.

-Aah!

Stampede!

What the hell was that?

Uh. sounded like a cow.

No. that was no standard cow.

Denis Cooverman.

Are you afraid of cows?

Vaccaphobic? Course not.

-

Whoa. whoa. whoa.

What the hell?

What happened?

God. it's so funny!

A cow bit me!

No. cows can't bite.

Well. this one sure as sh*t could.

No. no. no.

cows don't bite.

We all know that they lack

upper incisors.

You're useful.

What is that smell?

He pooped his shoes.

-Lose the shoes.

-l paid for these shoes.

Uh. you're not getting in

my car with those shoes on.

They go. with you

in them or not.

You pooped your shoes.

Lights out.

To the future! Whoo!

Turn the headlights on now!

Please. please. please!

Okay!

There. you happy?

Car!

Sorry. l was unaware

l was emitting that.

Mr. and Mrs. C?

Who?

My mom and dad.

Could be worse.

Could not be your mom.

Well. thank you all

for a lovely evening...

...but now l must die.

You do not wanna talk to your dad

when he has his pants down.

Yeah.

Goddamn kids!

Jeez!

Sorry!

Thank you.

Sh*t my panties.

This is Valli Wooley's house.

We can't go in here.

Because you called her

a stuck-up b*tch...

...in front of the whole school?

Don't worry...

...she's usually upstairs

with a guy by now.

lf she gives you sh*t.

go for her throat.

She'll be protecting

her nose.

Her nose was

a graduation present.

B*tch.

Hi!

Ew. Don't say hi to her.

Drinks by the pool!

Hey. what is that?

It's nice. Is it salmon-colored?

Sorry.

Your party was better.

What?

l'm gonna go find a bathroom.

Okay.

Don't move.

All right. yes. fine. all right.

Oh. Greg.

Well. if anybody's

gonna kill me tonight...

...it should be you.

you deserve it.

You've earned it.

How did you know?

How did you...?

Did l do that?

This? No. it's not one of yours.

lt was an accident.

You know. sometimes.

l don't even remember doing it.

l just black out.

l'd have that looked at. Greg.

Yeah.

Maybe l could call you sometime?

We could talk about it?

Sure.

Maybe a trained professional

would be better.

l'm just thinking aloud here.

But can l get a hug?

l mean. hugs are good.

You do what you need to do. Greg.

All right.

Forget the tears we've cred

Forget the good tmes too

Forget the pan nsde

l wll be there watng for you

Thanks. Denis.

Thanks a lot. Thanks.

Rich!

Le Coove! Here.

-Thank you.

Check it out. Coach Raupp.

Pedophilia.

lt's always

the gym teachers.

You know they call us

Dick Munch and the Penis?

Yeah.

l mean. like. together. like we're

like the gaynamic duo or something.

-Where's Beth?

-Wherever.

l told you that speech

was a good idea.

What are you talking about?

What about what's happened tonight

could be construed as good?

Closure. If you didn't

give that speech...

...you'd never know what a

scary wack job Beth Cooper was.

No other girl would ever live up

to her mythic proportions.

She's not a scary wack job.

She's not a wack job.

Dude. don't backpedal.

you know. Onwards!

Your new hopeless obsession

might be at this very party.

Denny!

Oh. secret shame.

This is so great.

l didn't expect

to see you here.

Patty.

l loved your speech. You said

some very perceptive things.

Richard. do you know Victoria?

Yes. certanamente.

You. uh. Iost weight. Tori .

You're not wearing shoes.

Nobody wears shoes anymore.

Denny.

what happened to your poor face?

Greg Saloga beat you up.

l bet.

Or Valli Wooley. she paid

someone to beat you up?

No. the Coove had a little dust-up

with Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

-Beth Cooper?

Yeah. ex-boyfriend actually.

Army. dark ops. couldn't stand the

idea of the Coove here and Beth...

...so it went to blows.

l mean. you think this is bad.

you should see the other guy.

-

Yeah. l mean. l feel bad for him.

He's in the hospital.

all beaten up and sh*t.

To tell you the truth.

l just hope he's okay.

Me too.

Actually. he's upstairs.

Um. whoa. uh....

Right. Iook at the time here.

My female fiance's getting off

her shift at Hooters. so....

Wow. you know. but this has been

a pleasure. Iadies. so....

Good luck!

It was nice seeing you!

Bye!

Sorry.

-Where are you going?

-We gotta get out of here.

A**hole!

What are you doing here?

Don't.

So we meet again.

Really? Ernst Blofeld in just

like every Bond movie. Oh. okay.

Kevin. just stop.

Get out of here.

And get yourself tested

for gonorrhea.

Why don't you get that tight. pretty

butt of yours in my vehicle. all right?

Move out!

Are you okay?

Stay here.

Clear out!

l am not your plaything!

No. no. come on! Come on. people!

Are you just

gonna let him murder me?

Wait!

l am not worthless. okay?

Look at this party.

Look at all my friends.

Cause brain damage.

Whoa. whoa. whoa.

Thank God. Coach Raupp.

Ladies.

Some ground rules.

-You're not gonna stop it?

-Look. all l want is a fair fight.

Fair fight? Look at his arms.

they're like redwoods.

Yeah. Aren't they great?

Okay. Pretty simple.

No biting. scratching. hair-pulling.

None of that sissy stuff. okay?

-Headbutt?

-Definitely.

And remember. once your

opponent loses consciousness...

...the beating is over.

Okay?

And...

...fight.

Cooverman. Bison pride.

No. l'm not gonna fight him.

Don't be such a p*ssy. p*ssy.

Come on.

Look. Kevin.

you've won. okay?

You got the girl...

...you've humiliated me

in front of all my peers.

l apologize and surrender

unconditionally.

Denis.

Denny. your face.

Wow. Ha. ha. Oh. man!

That was great.

Are you okay?

Get up!

-You can take him.

-No. no.

You can do this.

Get up! Come on.

Hey!

Leave my friend alone!

Let's get him.

Whoa. whoa. whoa.

Timeout. Salo--

That all you got. son. huh?

Now. Denis. where were we?

Denis Cooverman.

Come on.

Where do you

think you're going?

Okay. time to get

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