Ibiza Page #3

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and he drew a dick on my face.

Listen,

the DJ is a very good friend of mine.

- Really?

- Yes, come to my house.

- He will be there.

- I'm just like--

I haven't really slept with anyone

in a while, so I'm a little nervous.

You don't tell him that.

That's an over share.

- I have a really difficult boss.

- Also an over share.

Stop telling him personal things.

I've not been feeling very good

about myself lately.

- Will you learn to be cool.

- Can we go?

We just have to wait for Diego

to get here first.

Oh, he texted me. He said,he doesn't know

when he's gonna get here.

He's very sorry,

especially to his mermaid siren Nikita.

Okay, I guess I'm a mermaid siren.

Just tell him to go to Hernando's,

then we can hook up there. Huh!

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't do that.

How deep is your love?

Is it like the ocean?

If Hernando thinks

by sending this car for us

one of us is gonna sleep with him,

he has got another thought coming.

Okay, you know what, maybe I will.

- Really?

- Older sausage, baby.

- Eww.

- All right. Look at this house.

How deepis your love?

Guys, I'm definitely doing something

f***ed up tonight.

I cannot wait.

This is like the Eyes Wide Shut house.

If I were you, I'd keep my eyes wide open.

How deepis your love?

- I'm down for this, for sure.

- Cool.

Why not? That's the better

question for most of us.

Oh, my lovelies, so glad you made it.

Thank you so much for having us.

Please, explore,

help yourself with food, drinks, smiles

- and eye opening sexual experiences.

- Hmm.

Okay, well, I got to pee

and go find a f***ing problem, lick.

- Lick.

- Have a good pee.

Is Leo West here yet?

Relax, enjoy your party.

I will, yes. But is that a maybe?

- Should we go find the food?

- Yes.

Okay.

I should call Leo, right, or text him?

He's probably wondering where I am.

What if he's in the club looking for me?

You know,

I should let him know that I'm here,

'Cause I feel like he was really

into my vibe.

And I don't think he wants

to play games any more.

No, everybody loves games.

He's going to show, okay,

and when he gets here,

you should just be cool.

You know, just be like, "Oh, my goodness,

you're at Hernando's, too?

That's such a coinky-dink.

Hernando's my uncle,

and we love to go to Lake Cuomo

and hang with all the celebrities

- on a yacht."

- What?

A yacht, is that not how you say it?

Yacht. Boat, yacht, ship.

What am I doing wrong?

Nothing. It's perfect.

All right.

You know what? I can't pretend

to be cool with this anymore.

It's kind of disgusting.

We're eating off of a person's body.

It can't be sanitary.

She can hear you.

By the way, ma'am, I did not mean

to imply that you are disgusting.

It's just that I don't know you,

so, I probably shouldn't

be eating out of your crotch.

She's my best friend,

and I would still not be like,

"Guess what. I'm going to eat hummus out

of your crotch tonight."

You don't put foodon your crotch,

unless you've got a yeast infection

- and you put plain full-fat yogurt.

- What?

- Hola chicas.

- Muy bien y usted?

- Spanish.

- Oh, drugs.

Just come straight in with the coke.

I blew some rails earlier, so I'm good.

She's full up.

We're both full up on cocaine.

How about one of these? It is

for children that are hyperactive,

- but for other people is really good.

- Oh, it's Adderall.

- Yeah, let me grab one.

- What are you doing?

It's a regulated drug.

Yeah, that means

they're regulating your access to it.

Let me have one more actually,

because it's regulated for children,

and I'm an adult.

They're trying

to regulate people's consumption of it,

- not just the age of the people taking it.

- That is not what that means.

I'm a dentist. I know that that is not

what that means.

It means it's regulated

for the consumer public.

- S. S. Disfrutala.

- Okay.

- Disfrutala.

- And to you as well.

- You know what? Let's live, let's party.

- All right.

I'm gonna call Diego.

So can you GTD?

- What does that mean?

- Give me them digits.

Okay, that's not a thing that people say.

I'm literally starting it,

and I would love your support.

I'll Airdrop it to you. There you go.

Phones are crazy, right?

Yeah, all the stuff.

- Thank you. Oop. Shouldn't touch you.

- Mnh-mnh.

Let's divide and conquer.

I'm gonna go make a phone call

that I'm going to regret.

Find your own fun, b*tch.

She's a pill, huh?

Oh, sh*t. Sorry.

You like that show?

Mm-hmm. You can stop peeing.

Okay.

Oh, my God. Por la amor de ellos.

I've got to show you the jacuzzi.

Well, I want to see la jacuzzi.

Okay.

Stay sweet.

Yes!

You hit the jackpot, Nicole.

Hmm.

Oh, hi.

You look great. You look great.

Hmm.

Are you enjoying the party?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, it's nuts.

Did you try the drugs

or the open sexual practices

or maybe just a swim?

I had the sushi,

which I kind of feel covers all three.

You're funny.

- Does that work for you?

- Not really, no.

Oh.

So, do you know if

Leo West is gonna show?

Harper, you have to work as hard

to find yourself as you work to find him.

Now, join me in the den

for a spiritual connection.

Cool.

- What?

- Your beauty makes me crazy.

Crazy, like I murder people with a knife.

You're so beautiful in the face.

I'm gonna ignore it.

I'm gonna ignore it.

Hey, Diego, I know it's late,

but I just thought, "Why not, right?"

Let's just hang, you know,

of course assuming that you are awake.

Which you may very well be asleep

and if so, I'm sorry that I woke you up.

Actually, that doesn't make sense

you should be here, right?

Sorry, I know that it's a voice mail,

and you can't answer me right now.

Whoa! It's 4:
30 in the morning, hon.

Well, I am on a lot of drugs

and alcohol right now,

so that does explain some of it.

By the way, this is Nikki.

I don't know if I said that to you yet.

Nikki is Harper's friends,

so you know Harpers from works.

I think...

I think there are some feelings, okay,

and not quite kosher.

Sorry you probably don't even know

what kosher means.

Well, I'm gonna teach you. Don't worry,

I'm not going to, like, circumcise you.

What? No, but honestly, I love to flirt.

Thank you so much, and I look forward

to speaking with you. Bye-bye.

Okay, wow,

you're f***ing nailing him, b*tch.

Whoo! Good job!

I'm gonna see how fast I can go.

Take this, you little machine.

What?

- Oh, sh*t! Okay, okay, okay, okay.

- Run!

I'm going to f***ing die tonight,

in some stranger's f***ing shitty boxers.

To the left, to the left, there you go.

Puta!

Hey, Harp, we have to get out of here now.

Some sh*t went down

and it's mostly my fault, but you know,

life, we got to get the f*** out of here.

- No, let's stay.

- Harper, listen to me!

Someone's gonna come in here

and f*** us up with a goddamn knife.

- On my back!

- I smoked hash, and it was really nice,

- and Nikki took some hash.

- Great story.

So it was really fun and okay.

- Listen to me, don't move, okay?

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