Ibiza Page #4

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- Okay.

That was fun.

How many languages

does your boyfriend talk?

My boyfriend talks more than one,

at least.

English and Spanish...

- Dude, Nikki, wake up, we gotta go now!

- What's happening?

This married guy ate me out,

and his wife caught us. We got to go.

- We're gonna get stabbed.

- Whoa, I burnt 4,000 calories!

- I don't care. Grab your sh*t, let's go!

- Do you have a coin?

- Harper! Go, go, go!

- I really wanted Leo to see me right now

'cause I'm really cool and sexy,

and I think he would be in to me.

Gracias, thank you so much.

Oh, gosh.

We did it, ladies.

Deal with that in a second.

What are you looking at? Oh, the light.

Yeah, there's more light this way.

Towards our hotel, okay.

No, no, no, no time for stetchies.

- No, I have to be even.

- I understand, but I'm tired.

Let's go, get some sleep

and rest our weary heads.

- I gotta sh*t. I gotta sh*t.

- No, no, no!

- I'm not strong.

- There we go. There we go.

- Just hold it, just hold it.

- I've got to push it back in.

Nikki, honey. How are you doing?

- I'm good, how are you?

- Good.

- Want to get on my other side?

- Oh, I'm so hungry.

- Are you guys hungry?

- Yes. No, no, no. Okay, okay.

Hey, dudes. Do y'all know

where's a good pizza joint around here?

- Pizza?

- No, you guys are beautiful.

Do you have the menu for room service?

They don't.

They're not in our hotel. We're outside.

- Those look good, empanadas.

- Yeah.

"S, y helado de chocolate."

Then just a big pile of corn on a plate

with a little bit of ranch on top.

- Yeah, a lot of bit of ranch.

- And then, all these muffins.

- With a side of ranch.

- Yeah.

I can't believe we left the club.

If we'd stayed,

I would be with him right now.

We had, like, a real connection.

You guys didn't see it. There were sparks.

I have to work anyway.

- My boss keeps texting me.

- Can I see your phone?

Yes, I got, like, ten text messages

and four voice mails.

You guys, I'm so hungry, I feel like

there's a monster inside of me.

And she's like,

"Give me all the foods and snacks

and also don't forget the desserts, okay?"

Check this out, b*tch!

You're man Leo West is in Ibiza tonight.

This is f***ing fate.

- Yes, yes, yes!

- Okay, stop that. Please stop.

I can't just fly to Ibiza,

I mean that's crazy.

Why? It's, like, so close.

Because I have a very important meeting

here tomorrow night, and if I miss it,

- I'm gonna get fired.

- Okay, here's the T.

Some people land on the moon.

Others cure diseases.

You smash this DJ.

Yeah, actually that was really impressive

and a good point.

No, I gotta stay here

and keep my job.

Harper, what do you want to do?

I want to go to Ibiza.

- Then we're going to Ibiza.

- But I can't go to Ibiza.

Yes, you can. This is destiny.

We're going to Ibiza.

You know what happens when destiny calls.

- You accept.

- In the words of Destiny's Child...

Say my name.

- Guys, he's so hot.

- He's so hot!

- I can't go!

- You don't have to make the decision

'cause we're gonna force you.

Harper!

Harper!

Harper! Harper! Harper!

Harper! Harper! Harper! Harper!

Yay!

Guys, this is our bestest friend Harper.

- Hi, Harper.

- And we are going to Ibiza.

So we can track down this DJ

that she's gonna get dirty,

nasty, sexy with.

You're a dirty little minx,

just like your friend Leah.

Well, trying it out.

It's a new look for me.

It's bloody brilliant.

My grandfather always said,

"Youth is wasted on the young."

You, my new friend,

- are not wasting it.

- Yeah, actually, I once went to Norway

to follow a girl I was in love with.

Turned out she was stealing my identity.

- Tried to kill him.

- She did try to kill me.

I got a dynamite anecdote out of that one.

So this could really bear fruit.

Yeah, okay.

I'm the shot police. It's against the law

to be in this area without a shot.

All right.

- I like this girl, she's cool.

- That's my girl.

Don't worry, you're gonna be riding

that DJ's filthy dick in no time.

Oh, boy, I hope it's not too filthy.

Well, he's a professional musician,

so it's probably hanging by a thread.

This is all theoretical.

I probably won't find him.

We'll never have sex.

He doesn't have any interest in me.

- We just met once.

- Of course he does.

You've gotta trust these guys.

They're soccer players.

Well, not soccer, football.

Football is soccer, in England.

- Everywhere.

- Well, it's just for fun.

- We're not, like, professional--

- We're actually male model scientists.

- Oh.

- Professionally.

Well, I'm a lawyer,

actually professionally, for real.

- In true life.

- Cool.

James, stop telling the truth.

What's wrong with you?

'Cause we don't want to start off

a new relationship on a lie.

- Relationship?

- Yeah, well, not like,

we're gonna hold hands

and go to the cinema,

but more of a relationship with you

and that lady over there.

Or any inanimate object.

Yeah, like a bloody belt.

We have much more of a relationship

than you have with a belt.

Yes, although,

that has been wrapped round my waist.

- That's a bit aggressive.

- No, too far. Okay, great. Well--

- Guys, Ibiza!

- Ibiza!

- Olly, olly, olly!

- Yes! Yes! Yes!

It's a godawful small affair

To the girl with the mousey hair

But her mommy is yelling no

And her daddy has told her to go

But her friend is nowhere to be seen

Now she walks through her sunken dream

To the seat with the clearest view

And she's hooked to the silver screen

But the film is a saddening bore

For she's lived it ten times or more

Sir, can you please take us to the sunset

and then straight to the DJ dick?

Whoo!

As they ask her to focus on

Sailors fighting in the dance hall

Oh, man, look at those cavemen go

It's the freakiest show

Take a look at the lawman

Beating up the wrong guy

Oh, man...

I can't believe we're f***ing here.

- I know.

- It's bonkers.

We're in f***ing Ibiza, man!

I have to say to say,

if this is as good as this trip gets,

- this is pretty good.

- Yeah.

And none of us are taking photos,

we're so in the moment.

You guys, it's been, like, over an hour.

Hola, yes, yes, yes.

Yo necesito una taxi.

Mi y mis hermanas estamos el norte playa,

Puesta del Sol.

Hola.

- Hola!

- Okay.

What the f***? They hung up again!

So we're just stuck here

in the middle of nowhere.

I have to call Cruela DeCunt soon.

You know how bad I am at lying.

And then what happens

if we actually do get to Flow?

Have you thought about

how we're gonna get in?

Don't we have to be like hot or rich

or bribe the door guy?

- A cab, a cab!

- Oh, f***, a cab!

Oh, God! Oh, God, hello!

Hello. Sorry to interrupt, sir.

Could you please, please,

like pretty please, we'll pay you extra,

drive us to the other side of the island

to Flow? It's a really big club.

Of course I can take you, come on.

Por favor, jump in.

Okay, you're all in?

Welcome to my taxi!

- Yes!

- Name is Lazer.

Lazer!

Encantado, to Flow. To Flow, we go.

- Hey, Lazer, where are we?

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