Ibiza Page #5

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- We're almost at my house.

What? No, you've got to take us to town

so we can go to Flow.

I'm just gonna feed my dog first.

- Then I'll take you into town, okay?

- That sounds sketchy as f***.

Hey, you guys,

I'm trained in self-defense, just in case.

I can kill a man, like this.

Bless you.

Wow.

A masterpiece.

That was great. That was great.

- Thank you.

- Maybe we should get going?

Tengo el bebido perfecto

para esta situacin.

Be right back.

If this was New York and someone was like

"Before I take you to West Ville,

I'm going to drive you

to my house in Yonkers

and then go all the way downtown,"

you'd be like, "What the f***?!"

Yeah, but everybody

in New York is like--

Whereas everybody in Ibiza is, like, cool.

Yeah, girl,

this place is built on rose quartz.

- So just enjoy the chill energy,

- Yes.

have fun, forget plans.

Ahora s.

So, you want to go to Flow?

I can drive you there,

but you won't get in.

However, I'll take you to my niece.

She's a dancer there, so I'll call her,

and she'll take care of you.

For real, your niece can get us in?

You know what else?

I have the limo I drive on weekends.

I'll take you in that

for a special treat. Okay.

You see, Ibiza loves you.

Come on, cheer up! Cheer up!

Raise your glasses!

Hi!

Can you open the moon roof?

Los pjaros al tiene visa.

I'm doing it!

I am a total cliche right now,

and I don't f***ing care!

All right, why not?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

- Sh*t, you guys,

- What?

A bird just sh*t in my mouth.

It's in my mouth.

It's in my f***ing mouth.

Oh, my God! Sh*t! Oh, my God!

Lazer, can I have a towel?

Yeah, of course.

It's in my mouth!

Dab, dab, dab.

I'm gonna throw up!

- Harper?

- Hi there, Sarah. How are you?

It has been over 24 hours

since you've checked in.

- Where the f*** are you?

- I'm actually leaving a meeting.

- I've been looking for new clients and--

- You're f***ing lying to me.

You do me a favor, you take those

goddamn c*cks out of your ear

and stick them back in your mouth,

so you can listen to what I'm saying,

'cause I got some sh*t I gotta throw

at your face right f***ing now.

This little dinner meeting tomorrow,

- it is a breakfast meeting, okay? 11 a.m.

- Tomorrow morning?

Yeah, so take a tub of concealer

and shove it under you eyes

and take a package of douche

and shove it up your twat

because you need to go there looking

and smelling fresh. You got it?

You know, I think

probably a dinner meeting is better.

I'm really trying to set the scene

with this pitch and I--

It hinges on an evening atmosphere.

It's gotta be at night.

Listen, you little f***ing hipster Barbie.

You need to close this deal.

This is a huge get for this company.

It's a good thing I have a really amazing

international plan,

or I would just be so mad

at you right now.

I don't want to hear anymore from you,

because I'd have to be like, "Oh, cool."

And I don't care.

Yes, I completely understand

what you are saying.

I am just assuring you that I have this

and that the client seemed to love me,

and I will call you tomorrow

after I have nailed the presentation.

- Okay? Thank you very much.

- Harper!

- Have a wonderful evening.

- Harper!

Okay, all right, here's the thing.

The thing is everything has changed.

There's no longer a dinner meeting.

It's at 11 a.m.

and our flight lands

in Barcelona at ten a.m.

Which means we're cutting it very close,

but guess what, my give-a-f*** meter

is at zero, so we're gonna party all night

and just not miss our flight tomorrow.

Yes!

Custodia! That's my niece.

Pasenla muy bien, ay?

Hola, tio.

- Como estas?

- Tan guapa como siempre, mira las cuidas.

- Hello, ladies.

- Hi.

Thank you.

Change and shower and stuff.

No, come on.

Come on, chop, chop!

- I feel good, ladies. Do you feel good?

- Yeah!

- Okay, hold the wheel.

- Oh, no.

What, no, what are you doing?

I need to get this outfit off.

Why not pull over

and you can change in leisure.

I need to dress like a lady

for my uncle.

Whoa! Whoa. Oh.

I'll be right back.

Don't worry,

I just need to get drugs for my nose.

Okay? Good, good, good, good!

So happy!

Oh, Diego texted me back.

"An unbuttoned silk blouse

with my brief and soft, sexy slippers.

What about you?"

- What?

- I asked him what he was wearing.

Look at you sexting!

That's him? Throw out the plan B.

He can do a handstand!

F*** that,

like it's a thanksgiving buffet, b*tch.

Don't-- don't touch my phone.

Guys, when should I call Leo?

Should I call him right now?

Just be cool, like the opposite of this.

- Okay, I can do that.

- No, that's too much.

- No, this is, like, actually blinding me.

- Yeah.

- He can't see that strut, either.

- Don't strut.

Just be normal.

No, no.

Hey, this is Leo, leave a message.

Leaving a message. Hi, Leo. It's Harper.

You may remember me as the girl

with the glowing dick on my face.

So I'm in Ibiza, and I know you're playing

at Flow tonight and...

I thought maybe we could find each other.

Oh, boy, hold on.

There's something happening.

Vamos, vamos, vamos.

I'm vamosing.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that...

You're sweet. Look at you!

I'm sorry, sir, there's no room for you.

So you could call me or text me--

- Your message has been deleted. Goodbye.

- Oh, no. Don't erase! God damn it!

Stupid f***ing phone.

Hey, it's Harper's phone, leave a message.

Harper, hi...

It's Leo from the other night. Hello.

I'm glad you called. How you doing?

You can't answer that

because this is a voice mail.

I did not expect to hear your voice

when I called back that number.

I don't know what I was expecting,

but I wasn't expecting you.

I was hoping it was gonna be you,

and it was you.

Which is what I was hoping for,

which is good.

Yes...

Anyway, yeah, I would like

to hear your voice again live.

Even better, I'd like to see you live.

Live is better than dead.

I don't want to see you dead.

Yeah, I wish you'd left a voice mail.

I don't know how long you're

in Barcelona for.

I'm in Ibiza.

I wanted to see you again.

It was funny and easy...

And I'm still talking. Can you believe

how long this voice mail is?

No, neither can I!

Right, I hope you're having fun.

Give me a call back when you get this.

Lots of love, bye.

"Lots of love."

Lots of love, you creep! Ugh!

Stop.

Just stop.

Guys, my message got deleted,

and now my phone is dead.

Aww!

Okay, we play fun car roulette now!

Yes, it's my favorite!

Stop it!

Oh, my God!

This isn't funny!

Okay, okay, okay.

Such party shitters.

- Okay, we going to the club now, s?

- Yes.

It's such a good vibration

You're such a hot temptation

I am fully in shock.

My hands

are still locked in a fist, look.

You guys, we made it, okay?

- Girls! Girls!

- Go!

Good vibration, good vibration

Good vibration, good vibration

Good vibration, good vibration

Good vibration, good vibration

Good, good, good, good, good...

All I wanna say is good vibration

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