In the Loop Page #13

KAREN:

Liza, what's up? Why is everyone

running around?

This better be a f***ing fire drill

otherwise I want to know why I wasn’t

told about whatever the f*** it is.

LIZA:

The President has said he's vetoing

tarrifs on Chinese auto imports.

KAREN:

Sh*t.

Karen calls over to a staffer, ABBEY.

KAREN (CONT’D)

Abbey, get me the president's

statement.

ABBEY:

Mr Barwick has asked me to...

Karen is beginning to lose it.

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KAREN:

You work to me, Abbey, you f***ing

work to me. Get me the statement.

Karen crosses quickly to her office. Liza follows.

LIZA:

Sorry, why is that...? He's...what,

buttering the Chinese up?

KAREN:

He needs them to at least abstain in

the security council.

A beat.

LIZA:

We're going to the UN.

KAREN:

Yes, we're going to the UN.

73 INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY 73

Toby exits to get coffee as Roz brings in PAUL

MICHAELSON.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

(as he enters)

Hi, thanks for seeing me Mr. Foster.

SIMON:

Hi Paul, call me Simon. You’ve met

Roz.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

I know I have.

SIMON:

Lovely.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

Okay, Simon, I’ll try to keep it brief

because I can see you’re a busy man.

There’s a bloke out there wants to

make it illegal to talk in a foreign

language in shops.

SIMON:

Yes, well, this place can become a

magnet for the mentally dispossessed.

And for sensible people like yourself,

Paul.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

Patronising.

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ROZ:

Why don’t you explain your issue, Mr

Michaelson?

PAUL MICHAELSON:

I...sorry, is this a joke?

How many times? For the fourth f...ing

time.

(as to an idiot)

The side wall. Of this property. Your

wall. Is falling over. On to my mum's

garden. She called you up - but she

got fobbed off by your people. Because

she’s not Lord Snooty in his posh car.

Because she’s not Madonna on a horse.

SIMON:

That...I agree, it’s unacceptable.

Toby comes back in, hands Simon a coffee.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

Do you know what this is?

(he hums something

irritating)

That's your constituency office hold

music. I don’t want it in my head, do

I?

SIMON:

(checks notes)

We did arrange to get a quote from a

builder, but...

Roz has a call on the landline.

ROZ:

Patch from London. They say it’s

urgent. Karen Clark? Is she the

coracle woman?

SIMON:

Right. Paul, I really need to take

this, but I haven’t forgotten about

you, okay?

PAUL MICHAELSON:

No, well I’m not going anywhere,

Simon. You won’t be able to forget me

because I’ll be sitting here staring

at you.

SIMON:

Toby, can I hand Paul over to you?

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PAUL MICHAELSON:

“Can I fob Paul off with you?”

Simon goes elsewhere in the room to take his call.

TOBY:

So, Paul, where are we up to?

(off Paul's scary look)

I was out getting coffee. Sorry.

He grabs a pen and paper.

74 INT. STATE DEPARTMENT/INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY 74

(CHANGE SCENE ORDER)

Simon is talking to Karen.

INTERCUT PHONE CALL:

KAREN:

What’s going on Simon?

SIMON:

Departmental business. About a wall.

KAREN:

Gaza?

SIMON:

Uh-huh. What can I do for you?

KAREN:

Where were you in the committee? I

called for back-up, you sat there like

a dumb sack of sh*t. Maybe worse, cos

at a molecular level a bag of sh*t is

probably fizzing with energy.

SIMON:

Well - okay. Yes. Um. Well, I have to

say Karen, I have a clear strategy

here. I'm playing the long game.

Paul Michaelson calls over.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

I’m still here, Simon.

KAREN:

There is no long game. They've bounced

us into a short game. You looked like

a...what do you call it in England? A

'wanker

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SIMON:

We don't call it that, no...

But she's gone.

75 INT. CONSTITUENCY SURGERY - DAY 75

(CHANGE SCENE ORDER)

Toby's still talking to Paul the wall guy.

TOBY:

Sorry. But I'm on your side. I have to

look after my Mum too. You do, or they

get shafted don't they? So...

Simon wants to talk.

SIMON:

Roz - can you talk to Paul for a

moment because...

PAUL MICHAELSON:

Oh right! Fob number two.

SIMON:

No, I’m sorry. National security, I

just need to...

PAUL MICHAELSON:

Fobbed to him, fobbed to her. Who’s

next? A tiny child? A dog? A tiny dog?

There are some biscuits over there --

shall I talk to the biscuits?

Simon is now hovering in the corner.

TOBY:

(signalling to Simon,

don’t worry, I’ll take

care of this. Watch

this.)

Look, Paul, why don’t I give you the

number of my cell.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

Mobile.

TOBY:

Mobile.

ROZ:

Have you got a mobile Paul?

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PAUL MICHAELSON:

Of course I’ve got a mobile. What do

you think I am? A pykey?

TOBY:

Of course he’s got a mobile.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

Five megapixels.

Roz leads Paul away.

ROZ:

Mr Michaelson. Come with me and let’s

see if we can sort your wall out.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

How can you sort a wall out? Look at

your arm!

ROZ:

It’s a sprain, it doesn’t stop me from

making...

PAUL MICHAELSON:

I’m going to pursue this with, what do

they call it? Extreme prejudice, to

the very end. I can be enormously

persistent. Ask my ex-girlfriend.

ROZ:

Okay, well, I’ll take your details.

SIMON:

F***.

76 INT. MALCOLM’S OFFICE - DAY 76

Malcolm is with Simon and Toby. Malcolm has a local

Northamptonshire paper.

MALCOLM:

(reading)

“While Foster jets around at the

taxpayer’s expense, his constituency

headquarter’s wall’s collapsing and he

doesn’t give a sh*t.

SIMON:

It doesn’t say that.

MALCOLM:

(holding up paper)

No but it says ‘Wall-ace and Gromitt’

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SIMON:

Wall-ace though?

MALCOLM:

You are being portrayed as the biggest

twat in Northamptonshire, and that's

going some.

TOBY:

It is just a wall, Malcolm.

MALCOLM:

Listen, my little stem cell, I don’t

want to be dealing with this either,

okay? I’ve got bigger f***ing fish to

fry, believe me. I’m rolling blue

whales in breadcrumbs at the moment.

I’m giving this to Jamie.

SIMON:

Oh great. The crossest man in

Scotland.

MALCOLM:

Don’t say that to his face.

Jamie enters, holding another local rag.

JAMIE:

Well, if it isn’t Humpty-Numpty...

SIMON:

What is this, surround bollocking?

JAMIE:

With respect, I haven’t finished. If

it isn’t Humpty-Numpty, sitting on top

of a collapsing wall like some

clueless egg-c*nt.

SIMON:

Hi Jamie.

TOBY:

Hello.

JAMIE:

Okay, that’s enough of the f***ing

Oxbridge pleasantries.

TOBY:

How is saying “hello” a...

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