In the Loop Page #14

76 CONTINUED:
(2) 76

JAMIE:

(grabbing a hole-puncher)

Shut it, Love, Actually, or I’ll hole-

punch your face.

MALCOLM:

Right, it’s all kicking off at the UN.

(to Simon) See you at The Foreign

Office. Meantime, my small but

perfectly informed colleague here will

be managing this little basket of cock

and chips. I’m off to deal with the

fate of the planet, okay?

Simon, Toby and Jamie look at him.

MALCOLM (CONT'D)

Don't look at me like that's arrogant.

That is just a f***ing fact. Don't

even look at me.

(to Jamie)

Be gentle with them.

JAMIE:

You know me, Malcy, kid gloves. Made

from real kids.

Malcolm leaves.

An awkward beat.

JAMIE (CONT'D)

Right, Butch and Gaydance, this wall

story is playing badly.

(looking in his paper)

Look, here’s a cartoon of you as a

walrus.

SIMON:

A walrus? I’m not fat. I don’t even

have a moustache.

JAMIE:

Walrus. Wall-rus? Oh for f***’s sake.

All that matters is you’re a f***ing

walrus, alright?

TOBY:

Look...we hired some builders. They

didn't turn up when they said they

would.

JAMIE:

They're builders. What did you

expect?!

(MORE)

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Have you ever seen a film where the

hero is a builder? No. Because they

never turn up in the f***ing nick of

time.That’s why you never see a

superhero with a hod.

JAMIE (CONT'D)

SIMON:

We also then sent someone else round

and they put up temporary

buttresses...

JAMIE:

That’s your headline response?‘We Put

Up Temporary Buttresses, Says Flailing

Walrus F***’.

77 INT. WESTMINSTER PUB - DAY 77

Suzy, Michael and Judy are having a drink in a pub.

Maybe they’re sitting in a four seater booth? Their

phones are on the table. As is a bottle of Sancerre.

Judy’s got her power walking trainers on and her

rucksack with her.

JUDY:

My theory is Malcolm built him in a

lab out of bits of old psychopath.

Toby arrives, dumps his coat, bag, puts his phone on

the table.

TOBY:

Hello ladies.

SUZY:

And gentleman.

TOBY:

(doing the joke again)

Hello ladies.

SUZY:

Be nice. Michael’s had a visit from

the Jock Stress Monster.

MICHAEL:

I'm fine. I boarded at Winchester, I'm

used to being shouted at.

TOBY:

I’m just going to SUZY

He’s looking for leaks.

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MICHAEL:

Oh. Lovely. I think we could have

another bottle of Sancerre.

TOBY:

Great.

SUZY:

If you can afford it.

JUDY:

If you can get served at the bar.

He goes to the bar. His phone gets a text. Suzy picks

it up, reads it.

SUZY:

F***ing hell. Here we go again.

F***ing arsehole.

MICHAEL:

You’re kidding? What’s it say?

(peering at the phone)

Woah!

Suzy shows the phone to Judy.

JUDY:

What a twat.

(beat)

What are you doing? Are you replying?

Suzy’s texting on Toby’s mobile. Toby’s coming back.

Suzy puts the phone back down.

TOBY:

Yeah I wouldn't want to meet Jamie in

a dark alley. Or a bright alley. The

whole thing of just being in an alley

with him would be scary, regardless of

the lighting.

SUZY:

He is quite frightening. But then

you're not much of a man.

MICHAEL:

Yeah, I remember his first d...

Suzy cuts in.

SUZY:

You’ve got a text.

TOBY:

(reading, covering)

Oh yeah. It’s just Rob about football.

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SUZY:

So, this Liza. You shagged her?

TOBY:

What? No.

SUZY:

(to Judy)

Did you realise he was ball-deep in

some Washington wonk??

TOBY:

Could we not talk about accusations

and, health issues, in the pub?

SUZY:

I’m okay to talk about it now.

SUZY:

Why did you do it?

TOBY:

I don’t know, it was a weird, intense

time over there. It was...maybe,

subconsciously, I don't know, it was a

kind of last ditch attempt to stop

this, awful...war.

A beat. Michael and Judy dissolve into laughter.

MICHAEL:

That's classic. That's definitely

going in the memoirs.

SUZY:

You had sex because of the war?

TOBY:

In the broad sense.

(to Judy and Michael)

Sorry, can you stop doing that? Can we

go somewhere where they’re aren’t

enormous children eating snacks?

78 INT. NUMBER TEN. MALCOLM’S OFFICE - DAY 78

Jamie and Malcolm.

JAMIE:

I went to see that film There Will Be

Blood right? F***ing great title for a

film.

(MORE)

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78

JAMIE (CONT'D)

'Want to see a film?' 'I dunno, will

there be blood?' 'There will be

blood'. 'Right, I'm f***ing in.' Great

title for a film, you couldn't have a

better title for a film. Apart from,

maybe, There Will Be Tits. Basically,

you could have a cinema that shows

There Will Be Blood and There Will Be

Tits and we don’t need any other

films. That’s the end of cinema right

there.

MALCOLM:

Is this going anywhere?

JAMIE:

I went to see There Will Be Blood.

There wasn't any f***ing blood.

MALCOLM:

There was some blood.

JAMIE:

There was hardly any f***ing blood. So

what I want to know is will there be

war?

MALCOLM:

My guess is there will be war.

JAMIE:

Oh right. Interesting. Have you had a

look in the soldier box lately? What

we gonna send? Two lads from the

Territorial Army armed with biros?

MALCOLM:

No we’re not going to do that. For a

start, we’re out of biros.

But, It Will Be Fine.

JAMIE:

Oh fine, as long as It Will Be Fine.

MALCOLM:

It will all be fine.

JAMIE:

Good. Happy days.

MALCOLM:

So, listen, I need intel. I need you

to go into the Foreign Office, into

International Development, and give

them a shake-down.

(MORE)

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Explain they need to shift their soggy

bad-trousered arses and give us the

gold they’ve been sitting on for so

long.

MALCOLM (CONT'D)

JAMIE:

So, what? Give them the third degree?

MALCOLM:

Don’t worry, You’ll find stuff. It

Will be There. Go through them, one by

one, from the most senior civil

servant down to the lowliest of the

f***ing low.

JAMIE:

What, the work experience kids?

MALCOLM:

No, the ministers. Do you see what I

did there?

JAMIE:

Nice. I see what you did there.

MALCOLM:

It’s observational comedy. It’s funny

cos it’s true.

They head off in opposite directions.

79 INT. DFID - DAY 79

Judy punches a button on her phone. Toby's land line

starts ringing. Judy comes out. She’s just trnsferred

the call.

JUDY:

Tobes, that’s for you.

TOBY:

(to Judy)

What's this?

JUDY:

It's the mad man about the wall.

The war?

TOBY:

The wall.

JUDY:

Judy heads into Simon’s office.

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TOBY:

What can I do for you Paul?

PAUL MICHAELSON:

(OS, on phone )

These ‘temporary buttresses’ you got

put up.

TOBY:

Right?

80 INT. PAUL MICHAELSON'S GARDEN/INT. DFID - CONTINUOUS 80

Wall man Paul is on the phone, standing with a

JOURNALIST by the offending wall, now badly propped up.

The journalist is taking notes and photographs.

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