In the Loop Page #15

INTERCUT PHONE CALL:

PAUL MICHAELSON:

They're basically a pair of twigs.

Thin twigs.

TOBY:

I'm sure they're not twigs.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

No they're twigs.

(to Journalist)

Are you getting a picture of those

twigs? That wall could fall on my mum

and crush her. Do you know how old she

is?

(calling off)

How old are you mum?

MUM (O.S.)

Sixty.

During this conversation Malcolm arrives.

MALCOLM:

I want a word with the minister and

Charlotte F***ing Bronte.

PAUL MICHAELSON:

You're never f***ing sixty. You're

older than that. Sixty. How old are

you really?

MUM (O.S.)

I'm sixty. If it's going in a

newspaper, I'm sixty.

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PAUL MICHAELSON:

F*** off are you sixty. Olivia NewtonJohn's

f***ing sixty. And she’s not on

the statins, is she?

TOBY:

Could you tell your mum to stay away

from the wall just for the time being?

PAUL MICHAELSON:

She needs to get to her plants.

(like Toby's an idiot)

She has to water them. Plants need

water. Or they die. Do you want my

mother to be in a garden full of dead

plants?

TOBY:

No, sure, but could she use a hose,

from a distance?

PAUL MICHAELSON:

She doesn't have a hose, she's got a

watering can. This is like talking to

a brick wall about a brick wall.

(to journalist)

Get that down, that’s gold.

81 INT. DFID - CONTINUOUS 81

All is relatively peaceful in the open-plan office.

People working away.

Jamie storms in, alongside the frightened-looking IT

GUY.

JAMIE:

(to the entire office)

Hello, shits! Put your knickers on,

it's the IT Sweeney.

We are here to strip search your

computers. Haven't we...fat man whose

name I've forgotten?

IT GUY:

Yes.

They march in, Jamie heads past Judy’s desk.

JAMIE:

(to the room)

It’s only intelligence we’re after. We

could be here a while.

(MORE)

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(as he goes past Judy,

leans in)

Hey! Look! It's Leaky Woman! You want

to do some pelvic floor exercises

darling, because I hear you're pissing

intel everywhere.

JAMIE (CONT'D)

JUDY:

I didn’t leak anything. And I won’t be

intimidated by some Cro Magnon

Scottish dwarf.

JAMIE:

(even closer?)

Whoa. Is this us exploring personal

boundaries? You f***ing stuck-up

toffee pudding b*tch.

Jamie smiles. His phone goes.

JAMIE (CONT'D)

(friendly)

Hi. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I’m just in the

middle of something can I call you

back? Okay, great.

(phone down)

So where were we? Oh yeah. You know,

I’m actually aroused at the thought of

giving you a long hard disciplinary

hearing.

JUDY:

Oh I’d love you to give me a long hard

disciplinary hearing? Cos at the end

I’d have a big fat compensation

payment. So go ahead give me one.

JAMIE:

I’d like to give you one.

JUDY:

Well, I’d love you to give me one.

Jamie’s come to the end of the line, they head into

Simon’s office.

82 EXT. FOREIGN OFFICE - A BIT LATER 82

Simon and Judy on their way into the foreign office.

Malcolm has gone in ahead. Suzy chatting on the stairs

with Toby.

Simon draws Judy to one side.

SIMON:

This is all getting...this is a really

stressful job, you know that?

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A beat.

JUDY:

Oh come on, you’re not a brain

surgeon, you’re not a snooker player

...

SIMON:

But I do have to go Northamptonshire

to talk to a mentalist. And I got

treated to a special performance of

the Scottish play in Number 10 with

Big Macbeth and Wee Jamie Macbeth.

JUDY:

Ah. Is that what this is about?

SIMON:

I don't want to back a war, Judy.

JUDY:

(oh this is what it’s

about)

Oh. Right.

SIMON:

Look, drop some hints, put some nods

and winks out there, that I'm toying

with resignation. Yeah? See if the PM

reacts. See how it plays.

JUDY:

Not my purview, get Toby to do it.

SIMON:

No, I want you to do it. War beats

purview, Judy. Like stone beats

scissors. War...

(he makes a grabbing claw

with his hand)

...beats wall...

(he holds his hand up to

denote a wall)

...beats purview.

(he thinks for a second

how to represent

‘purview’ then does a

gentle little Oliver

Hardy wave)

JUDY:

Put out some winks?

SIMON:

And nods.

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JUDY:

Big nods?

SIMON:

No, no, just sort of...

(he does a small nod)

That sort of size nod.

Judy nods.

SIMON (CONT'D)

No, not that much.

JUDY:

No, I was just nodding normally to say

I understood the need for a small nod.

SIMON:

Oh. Good.

They head in.

83 INT. FOREIGN OFFICE - DAY 83

In a nice room. Malcolm is with Michael, Suzy and a

couple of other civil servants.

MALCOLM:

So, my lovely friends, bottom line...

MICHAEL:

I hate that phrase. We’re not in

retailing

MALCOLM:

Sorry Michael, I promise never to use

it again. Bottom line, is that the

President is going to the UN, and the

PM would like us to join him so we’re

not stuck on our own like the tiny

little island we actually are but no-

one wants to admit.

Toby, Simon, and Judy arrive

MALCOLM (CONT’D)

You’re eighteen seconds late.

SIMON:

Is this the UN? Why couldn’t you have

told me this in our previous horrible

meeting? Why did I have to come to

another building?

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MALCOLM:

Because I am now talking on the

record, and you can tell that because

there is gravity in my voice and I'm

not wearing f***ing pyjamas. So, Rob,

Innis,

(to Toby)

Little Bo Cock Jockey

(to judy)

And the leaky f***ing mingebox, return

to your desks and prepare for some

extreme briefing.

Two CIVIL SERVANTS get up and exit. Judy walks across

the room and starts making calls, as does Toby. They

can both still hear Malcolm and Simon’s conversation.

Michael grabs his phone and stands up.

MICHAEL:

Should we call Donald Stebbing at the

DST and Paul in Fatty’s office, get a

steer on their statements?

MALCOLM:

Yes, the bottom line is, I would like

you to do that.

Michael walks off into the next room, Suzy follows.

They start calling.

MALCOLM (CONT’D)

Now then, you still got doubts,

Complicated Simon?

SIMON:

What the f***, Malcolm. This is all

going to spin along from here and we

have a vote and we go to war. We

fight people, and kill them, and our

kids get killed, and that's exactly

the sort of thing I didn't want to do

when I went into politics. That's the

opposite of what I want to be doing.

MALCOLM:

That’s why you’ve got to stay in

Government. In here you can influence

things, delay things. Out there

you're just another mad shouty f***er

people don't want to make eye-contact

with. Remember Mary? She took a stand

over Health. Everyone decided she was

mental.

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