Is That a Gun in Your Pocket? Page #3

- Cuddling, oh please

men don't give a rats

ass about cuddling.

That's just paying the toll

to get into the tunnel.

- I don't see how the five of us

are going to make a difference.

- Well every avalanche starts

with a single snowflake.

- I always loved that saying.

- Well now we have a chance

to make it mean something.

What do you say?

You with me?

- Well I already told you,

I'm in.

- I'm in.

- Shirley?

- Sheriff bill will have a cow.

- What the hey, I'm in.

- Yes.

- The truth is,

even if I say I would do it,

I don't know if I can.

- Why not?

- Because I love sex, damn it.

I really love it.

Because of the baby too.

- I think I have the answer

to your dilemma, honey.

- That's it.

No I'm leaving.

- Good lord I always thought

that thing was a candle stick.

- Throbzilla.

I defy any man to keep

up with this puppy.

Call 800 number by 5 pm if

you want over night delivery.

- May I?

Maybe I'll give it a whirl.

- Yeah that and a nickname.

- Glenn, what the

hell did you do?

- I stood up for my rights.

Our rights.

- Well we're in a heap

of sh*t right now,

bill told me that Shirley won't

go to bed with him neither.

This this is spreading Glenn,

it's like a god damn plague.

- I'm still getting laid.

- That's because you're single.

- Maybe that's what

y'all got to do.

Dump your wives.

- It's not that simple Dex.

Look I'm sure in a few

days this whole thing's

just gonna blow over.

- All right I wish

they'd fix something else

to stop doing.

Like talking.

- You know what screw 'em.

Let's go to the gun

show this weekend.

- Which one?

- Cabrito, we can get ribs

on the way up there.

- Cabrito it is.

All right?

- All right.

- all right Sandy let's go.

- Jen?

- Oh hi cherise.

- I just want you

to know that I'm in.

- Glad to have you on board.

- You bet ya.

- You go girl.

- Hold up Jenna.

- Oh hi Gladys.

- I don't know if this idea has

a shot in hell of succeeding

but I sure do fire

you for trying.

- But are you in?

- Oh I'm in.

- There she is,

she's a trouble

maker right there.

- Mom what is going on here?

Mom.

- hey.

- Hey.

- How long you grounded for?

- A month, how about you?

- Six weeks.

- First day out the house.

- Tell me about it.

My eyes are still

adjusting to the daylight.

Well see ya.

- Yeah see ya.

- Sandy.

- All day I've had to listen

to kids tease me about you.

Do you have any idea how

ridiculous you look to people?

I have never been so

humiliated in my life.

- Well you're only 17,

you've got a lifetime of

humiliation ahead of you.

- Oh sure go ahead, make jokes.

But you're only

embarrassing yourself

and the rest of the family.

Why can't you just get

a job or something?

- I have a job.

I'm raising you.

- Well in case you

haven't noticed I'm

not a child any more.

- You're right i

haven't noticed.

- Not so easy taking

a stand is it dad?

- No.

- Sorry about all this mess dad.

I should have never taken

the gun in the first place.

- I know.

That was super dumb.

But this is bigger

than the gun now.

This is about the

battle of the sexes.

And we have to win this one.

Or the balance of

power could shift,

the fabric of our society

will be destroyed.

Like the fall of

the Roman empire.

Or the Dallas cowboys.

Do you understand?

- Not really.

- You will son,

believe me one day you will.

Did you just moan?

- Excuse me?

- You did that on purpose.

- Did what?

- You totally did

that on purpose.

- Jackass.

- Oh wait let me see it again.

- Gorgeous right?

It better be for what i

paid for that bad boy.

- Glenn, great idea.

- You are welcome.

- Italian dressing.

- Is it low fat?

- Mhmm, those ribs

didn't stand a chance.

And it looks you got

some for later too.

- Uh huh thank you.

- Is there anything

else I can get you sir?

- Yeah actually can

you get me some stevia

for my lemonade.

- I'll check.

- What?

Why do you think they

call tomato a fruit?

I mean I understand

apples, oranges, raisins.

But tomato's not even sweet.

I mean how do they

get away with that?

- That's a good question.

- I think it might have

something to do with

them having seeds.

- So cucumber's a fruit?

- I believe so.

- That doesn't seem right.

- Y'all work at a fruit plant,

how do you not know this sh*t?

- The point is that we're

all having a good time

without our women.

Am I right?

- How about an avocado?

- Jenna keely has

something to say.

- Thanks.

Look we all pretty

much know each other

in this town,

we feel safe here.

We feel like bad things only

happen out there somewhere else

to other people.

My son Lance did a

really careless thing

that could have had

tragic consequences.

Now I know many of

you love your guns,

but it's time to decide.

Which do you love more,

your guns or your family?

- Family.

- I don't see how

getting rid of our guns

is going to do anything.

- Did you know that in the

18 months that followed the

newtown Connecticut

massacre there were

74 more school shootings.

- This isn't a gun issue.

It's a mental illness issue.

- That's right.

- Really Byron.

You think America's

got the market

cornered on mental illness?

What about all those other

places that don't have

these mass shootings?

Do you think they've

got less crazy people?

They have less guns.

- Anyway you slice it,

this is a darn fool thing

you girls are doing.

And Barb Archer you

get on back home

where you belong.

- Okay y'all know where

my daddy was shot,

so obviously he's

been brain damaged.

We're not here to

debate gun use.

We are here to eliminate it.

- Ladies, ladies.

We need your help.

Join us.

We have the power.

You have the power.

There isn't anything in

this whole wide world

more powerful than p*ssy.

- That's going to have

to be it for today.

- Oh I'm not finished bill.

- Well I'm afraid you are.

Because ladies this is

an unlawful assembly

on public ground.

- All right everybody let's go.

- Bill parson,

you let my mother

finish her piece.

Or so help me god not only

won't I have sex with you

but I'll never

speak to you again.

- That's a little

embarrassing honey.

All right I guess

another couple of minutes

won't hurt anybody.

- We're not giving

up our guns Wally.

- Well I'm not

suggesting that Glenn.

- Well what are we

supposed to do then?

- Well why don't we beat

'em at their own game?

I mean we can go

without having sex

for as long as they can,

can't we?

Well I for one honestly

don't understand

why y'all can't

control your women.

- Well of course we

can control our women,

but who needs all

this aggravation?

Besides who wants to grovel

every time you wanna have sex?

- Like that don't happen now.

- Shut up Dex.

- Well what do

you want me to do?

- How about we ban

'em from protesting?

- That's a good idea.

- Well I'm no lawyer but I'm

pretty sure we can't, Stan?

- They have a constitutional

right to assemble.

- Well I doubt our

founding fathers

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