Jack and Jill Page #4

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you have any kids'?

Gary, did you make

your bed this morning?

It's okay, Erin.

You don't have to...

I can tell him.

Gary, I have all the equipment

and it seems to be

functioning well.

I get a little reminder

every 30 days or so.

But the point is, Gary,

I was never married.

Why?

Well, everyone

loved your father.

He was more of a gadfly.

Me, I kept to myself,

made sure Grandma

and Grandpa were okay.

But everybody loves Aunt Jill

just as much as Daddy.

Or more.

Don't say that.

Your father, he might act

tough, but he has thin skin.

You'd hurt his feelings.

Aunt Jill, did you date boys'?

I liked boys.

They just, they...

They never liked me back.

My friend Mimi's mom dates boys

she meets on the computer.

Oh, I've heard of this.

Yeah, I would do that.

It's just, I don't know how

to use a computer or a radar.

Or a robot or whatever.

Well, let's show her!

Jack. No, no, no.

Uh, Sofie's the one

who brought it up.

It's her. She did it.

I would do it.

I mean, what the heck'?

It's no biggie.

Let's go for it.

I need a man.

So many to choose from.

Match.com.

That's a good one.

Uh, eHarmony, I've heard of.

They have commercials.

MySoul-Mate.net.

I like that because

I got a little soul.

Okay, so it says to

press here to register

for your perfect soul mate.

No't like that.

No. Like this.

What are you,

a computer whiz?

You would think he'd be the

genius, being from India.

Now, India's, uh,

really amazing lately.

They're just leading the pack.

I read in Time magazine,

they're number one.

China's number two

The Jews, we're back

to number three. Okay.

Four is Germany,

so let's watch out, everyone.

All right, all right, listen,

you got to pick

a username, Jill,

so just do that.

A username?

Uh, how about Manilow?

'Cause he can use me

anytime he wants to.

Just kidding. I hope

you didn't understand that.

It's a little risqu

for your age.

Okay, now you load

your profile picture

that Sofie took of you.

Mmm-hmm, can't wait to see this

My picture is embarrassing.

Put it up.

Is it too va-va-voomish?

No, it's very natural.

Ah, maybe I should

have gone with

peanut butter and jelly.

This... I like it, I like it.

Forget it. I'm committing

to it. So, what?

If somebody likes me,

the little envelope thing

will be blinking?

I just, I love this so much.

I crave this, family time.

It's why you have a family.

A ham this good only comes

once a generation.

Like me.

I give this ham four rings.

That's a hell of

a good ham right there.

Whose idea was the wig?

Oh, that was his choice.

I think it's great that Shaq

doesn't look like Shaq at all,

that he looks like

Al Sharpton on HGH.

Ham-a-lam-a-ding-dong,

ham-a-lam-a-ding-dong...

Turn the TV off.

So, how long does it take

to get a response on one of

those computer dating things'?

I'm, uh, I'm new to this.

I mean, it can take,

it can take a day,

it can take a week.

You know what I mean?

For someone like her...

What was that? What was...

Why'd you say, "like her"?

Someone like her.

Like, uh, in her 40s,

still single.

You know what I mean?

Incredibly homely.

Wow, you hate your job,

don't you?

No. I only said that 'cause

you said that one time.

I can say that

'cause I'm her twin.

Hey, Jack,

Laker game tomorrow night.

We got to make

that Pacino thing happen.

Every bodys really nervous

around here.

Yeah, I know, I know.

What's this about a twin?

Oh, Jack. He has a twin sister.

Are you kidding me?

You never told me

you had a twin sister

No, no, I mean, she's...

Identical or fraternal?

Nocturnal, like a bat.

Really?

I'll pack my stuff up, man.

How we doing in here?

Hey, what happened?

Aunt Jill checked to see

if any boys liked her.

The blinking thing

never blinked.

Oh, that's awful.

If people could only see

how good she can

open a pickle jar...

Yeah, I know.

You're right.

Okay, see you guys.

Okay, where do I find

desperate guys'?

Twitter, Maxim,

Craigs list.

Oh, yeah.

Casual Encounters.

All right, savages, get ready.

Anyone wanting

to meet a nice...

No, I need someone immediately.

Not "nice."

Um... Anyone wanting to meet

a sexy gymnast model...

No, I can't lie so much.

Uh...

A hot...

Hi, Poopsie.

Yeah, "hot" works.

Crazy...

Hey!

Personal masseuse...

Oh. I pull really hard.

Watch your mother.

She's going to have relief.

Mmm-hmm. What happened?

Is she sleeping or something?

Knockout

One dollar. Good luck to you.

One dollar's the winner!

Whoo!

For the night of your life,

go to Manilow

at mySoul-Mate.net.

Oh, man, I'm really

throwing her to the wolves.

But it has to be done.

Wow.

We're not going to tell

anyone about this, are we'?

Where were you?

I trust you can

keep a secret, kid!

You guys!

You guys!

Are you sitting down'?

I got over 100 responses

on the computer!

Whoa-ho-ho!

Look at Miss Popular,

all of a sudden.

I mean, some of them

are weirdoes,

but some of them are so nice!

I wrote one guy back,

and we're going out tonight!

Oh, my God!

Whoa! I love it!

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

I'm so scared. I don't know

what I'm going to wear.

Oh, I'll help you.

I'll help you.

I'm freaking out.

I feel like Julia Roberts

in that movie.

Pretty Woman.

No, no, no, the one

where she's a hooker.

What's the name of that one?

Uh, Pretty Woman? No, no, no!

Why are you saying that?

No, the other one.

What's the matter with you?

What's she going to wear?

What are you

going to wear, Daddy'?

In Hell.

Shut up.

This is like waiting

for the queen.

Yeah, yeah. Well, let's see

what's taking her so long.

Go up there, speed her along.

Come on, go, go, go.

I'm answering it!

Funbucket's here!

Funbucket?

Oh, tell him

I'm not ready!

Tell him I'm not home!

She'll be right down.

No! No, it won't zip!

It won't zip!

HEY- HEY...

Are you Funbucket?

Yeah, that's me.

You don't look like

a Funbucket.

I was picturing someone

more fun or buckety.

You're not the crazy,

hot masseuse, are you?

I want you to tell me

right up front,

'cause if you are,

I'm not paying for dinner.

Come here.

If you mention Craigslist

to her or do anything

that hurts her,

I will stick my foot...

Funbucket?

Manilow?

Somewhere in the night,

we will know

Everything lovers can know

You're my song

Music too magic to end

I'll play you

over and over...

So, yeah, you know what?

I'll be up-front with you.

I live in the Bronx and

I don't have any children.

In all honesty,

the clock's ticking,

so if dinner works,

we got to get to work.

I'm kidding you.

I just said that 'cause

I'm very nervous right now

and I just keep

talking so much.

My mouth is moving.

I don't even realize

how much it's moving.

It's... I'm not even feeling it.

It's cottony.

So, is this your first date

on mySoul-Mate.net?

Yes.

Assuming it's really happening

and not some sort of

terrifying nightmare.

I know.

What do you do for a living'?

Don't tell me. I don't want...

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