Jackass 2.5 Page #5

Today is the worst day of my life.

Throw a snake on that guy.

I always thought my whole life that

most people could sh*t on command.

I didn't think that was, like, a real...

Some kind of quality

that only certain people had.

I just thought... It's hard to pee

on command, pee in front of people,

but for me,

I can just whip my pants down and

take a sh*t pretty much any old time.

I've made many people

puke from shitting.

And I'm proud. And I consider myself

a professional shitter,

which I think there's very few of.

I'm sure there are some others

out there,

but can you name one?

Probably not.

-Very nice...

-That's f***ed up.

-Are you really giving me a pee stain?

-A little bit. Jeff wanted one.

Oh, that is sad. I have no dignity left.

So you, in Number Two,

were a little old lady.

What was it like, being a little old lady?

I think I felt vulnerable as an old lady,

both... Like, sexually, people looking

at my breasts, I felt vulnerable,

and also, I felt like my bones

were more brittle,

and something

could happen to me bad.

Hi. Have we met before?

-No.

-I don't want to meet.

-Do you like sex?

-Hell, no!

That's my boyfriend. Leave him alone.

Oh, okay. All right.

I loved shooting Old Man.

You had to get up super early and

you get three hours of makeup,

but it's so fun, 'cause I can go out

in the street and prank people

Iike I did when the show began,

and no one recognizes me.

No one recognizes this.

It's a blessing and a burden.

Hi. My name is lrving Zisman.

This is my good friend Clyde Singleton,

and today we're going to

take a test drive.

Yeah.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-How're you, son?

-Are you here to see Daniel?

-Yes, sir.

-I'm Daniel. Nice to meet you.

Oh, hi, Daniel. I'm sorry.

How're you, son?

I'm fine, thank you.

Oh, she's a pretty one.

-Can I take it for a spin?

-Of course, of course.

-Here you are.

-Oh, thank you.

-Starts right up.

-Very good.

Where are you from?

Born and raised in Los Angeles,

right here.

-All right.

-Never been anywhere else.

-It's a lovely city.

-lt is, it's great.

-Everything you need, close by.

-Yes.

Watch out, watch out, watch out!

Stop the car.

What the f*** is going on?

Just... Just stop the car, sir.

What the f*** are you guys doing?

-I'm sorry.

-Let's get the foot off the pedal.

-I'm serious!

-Hey, hey, hey.

-You just smashed my cart!

-I'm sorry. He's an old man on...

-What am I supposed to do?

-Score one for Dixie!

You just let Bob Barker hit my cart!

What're you doing?

It's not me, sir. I'm sorry. I didn't...

-I'm shocked, too, right now.

-Oh, my God.

-What did you say, boy?

-Look at this! You let this dude drive?

Come on, dude! You let him drive.

You let him drive the car.

Can I get some reparation cans?

I had no control. You saw what

happened after he slammed.

I'm really sorry.

I got chili on my nose!

This one bit we shot,

The Construction Site.

I wrote it...

I wanted to do The Deconstruction.

You know, I'd go to a construction site,

and whatever they were working on,

I would f*** it up.

If they're hanging drywall,

I knock it down.

Sh*t.

If they're laying out floors,

I bust the floor.

Where'd you get this sh*t from?

Oh, f***.

There he is now!

-We had a really good spot...

-Oh, sh*t.

...and I walk in,

and everyone's on their lunch break.

So no one's wanting to deal

with an old man,

so I really have to work

to get their attention.

Hey, there's a bathroom

outside over here.

So you really peed?

Oh, yeah. I peed a lot!

I mean, they were on lunch.

I had to do something.

I couldn't pull a Dave England,

'cause I don't have that gift.

Hey, sir, excuse me,

you can't do that in here.

There's a bathroom down there.

Oh, thank you, son, I'm done now.

Okay, we're gonna go outside.

We're gonna go outside.

We are outside!

We're gonna go outside, sir,

we're gonna go outside.

We're gonna go outside. Come on.

-I'm coming.

-Come on.

Whoa! Whoa! God damn it.

Let's go outside.

-Come on, let's go.

-Hey... Hey, let go of me!

Whoa! Wow.

God damn it.

You don't got to manhandle me.

-Oh, I bet you fellows like this, huh?

-We don't want you to get hurt.

Well, somebody's gonna get hurt

and it ain't gonna be me,

you keep manhandling me like this.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, my back.

Oh, now...

Big man.

Big man!

Punks.

What is this?

Why do you have a camera on you?

Oh, f***.

The impression I got from watching

the whole crew work today

was that you guys

had never shot before.

We had Jeffrey Ross with us,

who is a comedian

who loves to just tear people apart.

So it was a great idea to put him

right behind me in the van.

Tremaine loves... He's...

First of all, he has a cell phone

in one hand, an earpiece, a walkie,

and he's driving. And he's directing!

Jump up and down. Yeah.

Wait. Mike! Mike! Mike!

What am I gonna do, dude?

You should have moved it

like a pickup basketball game.

Who's around? Let's see who's around.

Maybe we'll get some good sh*t.

It's like watching a bunch

of retards play poker in the dark.

But at the end

we got the footage we needed.

I mean, there was really

no rhyme or reason...

Yeah, you can cut that together

into a DVD extra.

Ouch!

Are you really peeing? Oh, my God.

-ls it working? Am I hitting anything?

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

It hurts to... I'm just gonna save it.

-You f***ing a**hole!

-Oh, my God! Here! Here, here!

No, no! Let go! Oh, no, no!

My good scarf!

-My piss reeks.

-Oh, God.

We're here with BMX legend

Mat Hoffman,

and this is Mini Motorcycle Mayhem!

Sorry, bro.

I didn't see you there.

I thought you went over to produce.

Dave! You knocked out my tooth again!

Sorry, dude...

We keep trying to get a good bit

with me dressed as a baby.

And it's not happening.

I don't know what it is.

We filmed this atrocity

where we thought it'd be funny

if Wee Man was born.

So we covered him with tomato sauce

and dressed him up as a baby.

This is already f***ing bullshit.

-All right, Tremaine.

-Stop it. You need to be there.

We had the lady

that made me disappear.

We tried to have her sit on me.

And then have her giving birth

to a Wee Man.

Full speed once it's on

and then you get out of the way.

-Oh, God.

-No! No! I can't breathe!

Hold on, I can't breathe.

I can't breathe. Seriously.

Up! Up! Help her!

Get her off my f***ing ankle!

It's in the ground, dude.

No, dude, I can't do this, dude.

It's f***ing...

And it just... It was bad. It was horrible,

and it didn't happen.

-This one, I'm ashamed.

-Okay, watch out.

I'm just ashamed.

In Number Two, we were obsessed

with doing a thing called The Poof,

where you could see a fart.

You had to put powder up the ass,

to fart and see it.

But no one could fart

when they were supposed to.

-I'm Johnny Knoxville.

-And I'm Wee Man.

And this is The Poof.

-All right.

-Oh, yeah?

Yeah, right there.

Baby needs a little powder.

Oh, baby needs a lot of powder.

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