Jackass 3.5 Page #3

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The next morning we get up,

and whose name

is on top of the stunt list?

Dave England.

This is where Dave stands up

on the back of a horse

and throws a parachute up?

Yes.

Will it work?

I hope not.

Well, after his performance yesterday,

I figured he was due for a stunt today.

Here we go. Okay.

Man, you got some alcohol

on your breath, still.

Sorry.

All right, we're good to go.

I'm here with Judd Leffew,

and this is Bareback Base Jumping.

Here we go.

Pull!

Where's the parachute?

Dave was a drunk piece of sh*t

last night,

and we're a little bit mad at him,

so I think we're gonna get this

in at least 10, 15 more times.

You almost got it, Dave.

Drop!

Just one more and I should be happy.

Oh, man.

It has to be soft...

-The soft stuff's over here!

-Oh, my God!

F***ing hell!

I love how you completely missed

the softer dirt,

and just went for the hard stuff.

Hey, look, it's hard to plan

when you're floating way up high.

-It's hard to spot your landing.

-You actually didn't float that long.

I thought I was gonna get caught

in those trees.

I think Dave did

the horse parachute thing

eight times, nine times that day.

Did you ever feel bad for him?

No. I've never felt bad

for Dave England in any situation.

We got a whole lot of diet cola

and a bunch of peppermint candies.

This is Bombs Away.

-Sh*t!

-Creepy-ass sh*t.

You're playing with a live grenade,

my friend.

Bombs away!

F*** you!

Look at all the f***ing dents

behind Lance.

-Where were you, Lance?

-I was right here.

That looks great.

Early on, Knoxville found this thing

online where this Chinese artist

paints himself into backgrounds

really intricately.

And so,

we knew that was the start of an idea,

just how do we finish it and pay it off?

That's where the Invisible Man came...

That's where it worked.

F***!

We also painted Wee Man.

April's house... April Margera paints

her house. Hand-does everything.

Their basement

is painted like a dungeon.

So, we had Seth paint Wee Man

into the wall.

He does blend right in

and he disappears.

We're in April Margera's house,

and this is the Invisible Wee.

Jesus! Son of a...

-Did you really not see that?

-Jesus!

-Soon as I grabbed you...

-He scared the sh*t out of me!

-Were the lights off?

-Who else can we get?

Who else doesn't know?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Hey, why do I get hit?

That scared the sh*t out of me!

Oh, my God!

You didn't see him at all?

Now we're gonna send Dunn down

with a cattle prod to get Wee Man.

You f***ing dick!

F***ing guy.

That's what you get for scaring people,

you little...

That lovely contraptio

kills rats with electricity.

That's a metal rat.

It's hooked up to my nuts.

I'm Steve-O, and this is the Rat Zapper.

-All right then!

-Nailed it!

Okay, I'm gonna just wind in here.

-Yeah, "Oklahoma" is the safe word.

-Yeah, I'll turn it off then.

-There we go.

-This is monster's balls.

-Sh*t!

-Here you go.

Monster's balls.

F***!

Oklahoma!

-Man!

-See, you didn't tape them tight enough.

He yelled, "Oklahoma."

Ryan just stood there for a while

before he turned it off.

-It was for his own good.

-We didn't know how to do it.

-You think that felt good for the rat?

-F***!

-You forgot to sponge him.

-Did it hurt?

Thanks, guys. Oh, my God!

That is not f***ing happening again.

I'll... You touched your bloody nuts

with those fingers, so...

What are these called again?

-Belt sander skates.

-Belt sander skates.

I'm Brandon Novak,

and this is Belt Sander Skates.

Where doesn't it hurt?

That's a wrap on this one,

right, Tremaine?

I can't take any more of that.

I guess both me and Knoxville

were old men in the first, and Bam.

The three of us were old men

in the first one.

In the second one, I was an old lady,

and Knoxville was an old man.

In the third one

I wanted to be a fat, old lady.

-You're big-boned.

-Yeah, I'm big-boned. That's all.

I think that reads.

-F***. Is that too much?

-The camel toe looks great.

-Excuse me, sir?

-Yeah.

A man just told me... He walked by me

and he told me I have a camel toe.

-What happened?

-He said I had a camel toe.

-Do I have something on my face?

-No.

Do I have a camel toe on my head?

-For me, no.

-Not for you?

Something else you needed?

Yeah, do I have

a giant p*ssy somewhere?

I don't know.

I didn't realize how insanely hot

it was gonna be,

and it was, like, this much makeup.

And it was like wearing five

sleeping bags in the dead of summer.

After the first hour,

I just completely...

It was as close as I've ever

come to like, a heatstroke.

I was just gonna pass out and...

At a certain point, I couldn't

even think, let alone be funny.

Oh, my God! It's so hot.

It is unbearably hot.

He gave it hell, man. He tried.

We shot a lot of...

What did we call her, "Kathy"?

Hi, my name's Kathy,

and I have a camel toe.

Come with me on a day of adventure.

Sh*t! Oh, my God!

I don't know how to start this thing.

How do I turn?

There!

I'm such a slut

I like it in my butt

I like sunshine all day long

Help. Help.

Help.

I'm starting a modeling career,

and I was wondering

what you think of my modeling photos.

This is a photo of me. You like it?

I have a new photograph

that I just shot of me.

Wanna make love?

No. Not to him, to me.

Okay. I'll talk to you later.

I love you.

Sh*t! Sh*t!

You're my hero

Spike, I don't think we go...

No one got that.

Okay. Are you serious?

Where do you think we're parked?

Well, you gotta get the one right

in front of him. The $7 one.

-That's the one we set up for.

-All right, d*cks.

F***.

Johnny, did you get that one?

-No, we did not.

-F***, man! What is he doing?

F***ing A, man.

I can't believe this guy is a director.

This is bullshit!

Rick's going off on you right now,

Spike.

I'm gonna butt-f*** Rick.

Remember when we were sitting around

there, at that college,

and you said that you could

kick somebody in the head?

That's not how it works.

-What happened?

-No. We were shooting slo-mo stuff,

and Bam said that he wanted to do

a flying kick to the head.

I'll come at this angle.

Like, if you're standing right there,

I'll come right about here,

and I'll just be like...

And then, right there.

All right. Let's do that.

And somehow I got elected

to be the kickee.

Well, you're the only one

that can jump that high.

No I got to be the kickee at first.

How did this get pitched to you?

I was just sitting

at the table over there,

and Jeff said, "Hey, how about Bam

double-flying kicks you in the face?"

-And here you are, on your mark.

-Yeah.

Remember we caught you putting

styling gel in your hair?

F*** you...

F***ing sh*t, dude!

You okay?

-F***! Dude, I'm f***ing seeing stars.

-My f***ing back!

That's Bam Margera.

You f***ed up my hair, dude!

And then the day went on, and Bam...

He was talking sh*t,

saying you couldn't do it.

No. You got it all wrong.

He challenged Knoxville.

-Didn't do it!

-Didn't do it!

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