Jackass 3.5 Page #4

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-So, you can't do it.

-Other people can do it.

-Okay, can you do it? Dave?

-Somebody with talent can do it.

-Dave can do it.

-I can't.

-Dave can do it.

-Nobody can do it.

-Me and Zupan can.

-Nobody can do it.

-We're out.

-Can anybody do it?

Dave, go try it. Dave, go try it.

You're good to go?

So, Bam, how many people

can't double-kick you in the face?

No one here. There's 40 people here

and nobody can kick me in the face

with two feet,

but everybody thinks it's so easy.

-Actio

-Knoxville, Dunn.

Dude, he jumped over you.

-Oh, my God!

-Way to go Dave.

-Oh, my God!

-You almost went over him.

That was pretty good.

This is the Enema Long Jump.

Each contestant is gonna insert

two enemas

and see who can jump the farthest

and sh*t the most.

It doesn't matter

if you sh*t before you jump,

after you jump,

or while you're airborne.

It's just rad doing enemas.

-Let's enema up.

-Let's get to it.

How'd you put it in?

-I'm just going...

-Why you choosing to be back there?

-Yeah.

-Because he's the official.

-Easy in and easy out?

-Bam, come here.

-God!

-Yeah!

Yours go in easy?

I like pooing,

but I like pooing with these better.

If you do them every day for no reason,

not while doing a movie,

you're a weirdo.

God, I want to sh*t!

Here.

-Go.

-You can win this!

Measure it.

I think you're winning.

I'll hold your legs up

while he squirts it in.

Really get it in there.

All right, you're good.

-Get back over there.

-Yeah.

Steve-O, come on, win this!

-Right on...

-Right in the f***ing...

Here he goes!

Dude! Do you see that

-brown sh*t in there?

-You're walking on it.

-Did I win?

-Yeah.

-The guy is so stressed!

-What do you got?

-11'6".

-11'6".

-Dave, you gotta get...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-F***ing A. Wait...

-No, no, no, no.

That's where Steve-O already landed.

Oh, my God, dude!

That was it. 12'4".

Dave won.

-I would say we're all winners here.

-Hold on, Rick, here.

Dude!

Oh, my God!

It was quite a battle,

but we have a winner.

With a jump of 12'4", Dave England.

Yes!

You know when I learned...

I decided to really

learn to wipe myself was when

my mom wasn't home one day

and my dad had to wipe my butt.

And I did not feel comfortable with it.

I didn't like that dude wiping my butt.

And he was kind of rough.

Yeah. F***, yeah.

This is Treadmill Sh*t Show.

You made it!

Yeah, whatever happened

to the treadmills?

We got all kinds of awesome stuff.

We had it where we had

all the treadmills lined up

facing each other, and we all,

at the same time, jumped in,

and Steve-O hit me right in the face.

-You all right?

-Was it Steve-O?

Dave got kicked right

in his f***ing face.

He deserves it.

-Everybody deserves everything.

-Yeah.

You deserve this.

-F***!

-Tail bone!

-I love it.

-You were rad.

I love watching you skate.

I'm here with TV's Ryan Dunn,

and today's his lucky day

'cause this is Treadmill D-Style.

Rehoboth Beach!

His face almost stuck

in Wee Man's bottom.

It got dark fast.

Human Cheetah is a bit

where someone gets shot up

with paintballs all over the body.

The outcome is that

the bruises from the paintballs

leaves spots everywhere

and you're supposed to

look like a cheetah.

Steve-O has a heart,

Pontius has a heart,

they didn't want to shoot me.

But they actually f***ed my bit up,

because Dave, he doesn't give a sh*t,

and he fully shot me all on this side,

and this was Steve-O and Chris' side,

and I had, like, one or two over here,

and this side was just covered.

And the paintballs were so powerful,

I got cut up

on all the spots that I got hit on.

I'm Wee Man, and this is The Cheetah.

Ready, aim, fire!

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

-F***ing hell.

-I'm hit and f***ing bleeding.

-I nailed him there.

-God damn, you got rocked!

-How long does it take to bruise up?

-I'm already bruising.

They're hurting right now, dude.

It hurts!

-Which one hurts the most?

-Right here.

-You're right, that looks painful.

-That, and then right here.

Let me see.

No! Inside!

That's gonna hurt so bad when you wipe.

-I know.

-Oh, my God!

Don't get poo -poo in it!

Half my body is still bruised up

over here from The Cheetah

that happened, like, nine months ago.

And this side has nothing.

This was all my bros,

and this is all the dudes that hate me.

-I'm not whipping your dick out.

-All right, well, pull the fat up.

Didn't get up.

-I'm at it.

-You're at it?

All right,

just, please, pull the zipper down.

-The zipper's down.

-No, it ain't.

What are you guys doing?

It's so warm!

-Is that your dick?

-Just try to hurry, 'cause I'm gonna piss.

You almost had it.

Here, here.

I gotta get in there bareback.

It's getting weirder and weirder.

This is awkward.

Grab the boxers.

Pull 'em down, man!

God! It's like a river.

Bros.

-Feel better?

-No, because of the balls!

Yeah. Yeah!

See? That's what I was talking about.

It was blocking it.

Do an intro, Winter Fat Fucks.

This is Winter Fat Fucks.

All right, now I'm ready to rock.

Hit the Winter Fat Fucks.

F***!

-Hey, grandma.

-Eat sh*t, fat f***.

It's the slow sh*t I hate.

-Oh, my God!

-Yeah!

I did it!

So good!

This is a woodpecker,

and this is a Wood Pecker.

What's gonna happen next?

By the way, this is Dr. Jesse Merlin,

our resident bird expert.

Can I place the woodpecker

on the limb now?

If you would, please.

This is a breakthrough.

Thousands of years of medical science

have led to this beautiful moment.

Here, Woody. Here, Woody.

-Have led to me losing my dignity.

-Woody. Woody.

-Here you go, look. Woody.

-Believe me.

He's into me right now.

My day's gonna go terribly wrong.

-This is where the magic happens.

-Don't move.

Boy!

I don't envy you.

It's dented.

Get in there.

We have a puncture.

Someone give me a stick

to bite on or something.

I don't wanna scare him.

Don't move 'cause he's standing on you.

It's hard to hold my ground right now.

No you can't move

because he's fully on your schlong.

I'm gonna be careful...

That was flesh!

He's chewing on my pee hole.

Okay. One second, one second.

Chewing on my pee hole.

Sorry, man, that freaked me out.

That's not what I expected.

Oh, God, it stinks.

You gotta see this.

-Cute little butthole.

-Look how disgusting that is.

Like, what if you had to do that?

It's like a stunt.

Let's just do it. Let's go do it.

That's a formidable scent.

-Is that from the smell of that?

-Dude, the smell is really...

If I did a sh*t,

it still wouldn't be good as this.

F***ing disgusting.

I can't be there.

Sounds like that bull

is just dying to shoot.

He's making lots of noise,

and I know that's not doing one thing

for Wee Man's confidence.

He looks pretty nervous, too.

It's f***ing nerve-racking, man!

When that bull sees you

and comes at you,

it's no joke.

I'm Wee Man, and this is the Yoga Ball.

Get away from the fence.

-He survived.

-Wee Man! Wee Man!

Get up here!

Oh, my God!

That's so scary!

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