Katt Williams: Priceless: Afterlife Page #3

---

None of that.

Stick their real hands

in the water

to get the alligator.

Black people

is at the house, like,

"Don't stick your hand

in there!

There's an alligator

in that son of a b*tch."

But when you see...

you see

that white man reach up

out that

motherfucking boat,

grab that motherfucking

alligator line,

the whole show, just...

"Shoot him, Billy Bob!

Shoot him!

Shoot him!

Shoot him, Billy Bob!

Shoot him! Shoot him!

Shoot him, Billy Bob!

Shoot him! Shoot him!

Shoot him, Billy Bob!

Shoot him!

Shoot him!

Shoot him, Billy Bob!

Shoot him! Shoot..."

Then the whole show

just flips.

Now they showing it

from underwater,

and it's muddy

and bubbling and sh*t,

like the alligator has

a camera on his head.

And he's in the show too.

And then they cut

to commercial.

Every time, I say,

"I will not be here

when you get back."

Just saying, we all need

to be able to laugh.

So for my white friends,

here's something black

you can laugh at.

I've done the research.

I'm pretty sure there's

no coonery in there anywhere.

I just know

every time I see the sh*t,

I fall on the ground

laughing,

almost pee myself.

Okay, may be the funniest

sh*t I ever seen.

There is a commercial

starring a nigga

named Mutombo.

Now...

if you have not seen

this commercial,

you have not lived yet.

Let me say that.

Now, if you don't know

who Mutombo is,

he used to play basketball,

played for the NBA,

maybe, like, in 1979

or some sh*t like that,

but he was one

of the greatest,

known for blocking shots.

That was his sh*t.

Now they got this nigga

just randomly running

through white people's

workplace,

just randomly

knocking sh*t out the air

for no reason at all.

Just, "No, no, no."

What the f*** is that sh*t?

"No, no, no."

Every time I see that sh*t,

I almost pee myself.

Many times I been arrested,

that might be the only thing

I haven't tried.

Stay tuned to TMZ.

If I get pulled over

one more motherfucking time,

that's how the f***

I'm getting out of my car,

just, "No, no, no."

"We already did this sh*t."

Just saying, all got

to be able to laugh.

Motherfuckers

thought that because

I was raised homophobic,

that might have meant

I was homophobic.

Wait a minute,

motherf***er.

Don't speak for me.

I could tell you

how the f*** I feel.

Just 'cause I got

an opinion don't mean sh*t.

At the end

of the motherfucking day,

I thought we

was talking about rights,

and I thought

they was human rights.

I think they human rights,

so if you a human,

you deserve

your motherfucking rights.

The reason for that is

I don't give a f***

what you are doing

in your life,

'cause I'm too busy doing

what the f***

I'm doing in my life.

End quote.

Yes, yes.

Now, now, people thought

that because

I might have an opinion,

that meant I was homophobic.

No, no, no, no.

Let me say...

let me say publicly...

let me say very publicly

if there was a dude

and I had some sh*t to say,

that's not because I was

homophobic, motherf***er.

I'm not homophobic.

I'm pro-p*ssy.

There is a difference.

I think you need

to understand, I...

I was trying to help.

I wasn't coming

from a place of hate.

I thought some of them

had made a mistake.

I'm saying,

if you try a vagina

and it leads you

to a life of a**hole,

wait a minute.

If at first

you don't succeed, sir,

try, try again.

What the...

you must have got

the wrong vagina.

They are delicious.

You should try another one.

All of them are delicious,

I think.

But I realized...

I realized

it was a contradiction...

because if you ask me

about gay dudes,

I have some sh*t to say,

but if you ask me

about lesbians,

I don't have sh*t to say

about lesbians.

I've already had

this conversation with Jesus.

He know I love lesbians.

I don't even think lesbians

should pay taxes.

I really don't.

I think they are already

taking care of two vaginas.

Just saying.

We can't afford to be

judging all the time.

Our life is too

motherfucking hard as it is.

You got to be able to just

laugh some sh*t the f*** off.

I just don't like

when they try

to force sh*t

down our throats.

Had Jason Collins come out

as the first openly gay

basketball player.

That's fine and all,

but, nigga, you can't

suck at both things.

I said we didn't know

you was gay,

and we didn't know you was

a basketball player, nigga.

What the f***?

This nigga averaged

0.3 points a game.

We do that sh*t

from the house.

How the f*** he going to be

the first openly gay

basketball player?

Am I the only

motherf***er in here

old enough to remember

Dennis Rodman?

What the f*** was that sh*t?

That was the first

gay basketball player.

Get the f*** out of here.

I watched that nigga

get 38 rebounds

in foundation, mascara,

eyeliner, eyelashes,

lip gloss, Chap Stick,

lipstick, rouge.

That nigga's the master

of the all-ass defense.

He just...

"You want this rebound,

you going to have

to touch my penis."

"No, no, no."

Sometimes you just got

to be able to laugh.

They had Michael Sam

come out.

He fixing to be

first gay NFL player.

And when that sh*t came out,

everybody had an opinion.

He was right here,

and everybody over there

had an opinion,

and everybody

over there had an opinion,

but nobody's opinion

was solid.

They go up to the player,

"Do you care

that your teammate is gay?"

"Hell, no. I don't care

what he chooses to do

with his own personal life.

As long as he comes in here

ready to win championships

and knows the playbook,

then we have a teammate."

"You mean, you don't mind

sharing a shower with him?"

"I can shower at the house.

It ain't that big a deal,

I'm saying.

I'm generally fresher

than a motherf***er anyway."

Just saying, can't make

judgment all the time.

Sometimes you got

to be able to laugh.

I don't have to be

motherfucking political.

I don't play football.

I'm a football fan.

I ain't in charge

of the NFL.

I love the NFL.

I love to see

football games.

And as a fan,

let me just say,

it's going to be

some exciting sh*t

when the first

gay motherf***er

walk on the field,

and all of y'all think

it's going to be regular.

No, the f*** it ain't.

No, it's going to be

some exciting sh*t.

You think you been

tackled before, nigga?

You think you been

sacked before, nigga?

I bet you ain't

never been sacked

till you get sacked

by a 6'8",

285-pound nigga

that was looking

at your ass anyway.

He's just on the line,

just...

Blue 42!

That nigga's gonna sack you

with love in his heart.

"I'm down. I'm down.

I'm down."

We have

a big dick malfunction.

So anyway, I want to come

out and finish, but...

all of my nuts are out

of these pants right now.

Don't worry.

I ain't went nowhere.

I'm just noticing

my whole

testicles sac is...

I'm going to try to just do

the jokes from right here.

I couldn't see the screen

this whole time.

Ladies, where are y'all at?

Make some noise.

You motherfuckers

ain't sh*t.

Rate this script:2.0 / 1 vote