Katt Williams: Priceless: Afterlife Page #5

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it's some cops in here.

We do not mean y'all.

Y'all are doing

a great job.

We appreciate it.

Just doing your job,

keeping us safe out there,

and thank you so much.

It's the ones outside

we talking about.

They on some different sh*t.

The police used to be

serve and protect.

Used to be you are

presumed innocent

until you are proven guilty.

Police is

on some different sh*t.

They done figured out

they can kill your ass today

and come up with a story

for the news tomorrow.

They done figured

that sh*t out,

and they done got so good,

they can show us the truth,

and we can see the truth

with our own eyes,

and then they can lie to us

at the same time

and confuse us

about the truth

we just saw

with our own eyes.

Okay, the first time

we all saw it

was at the Boston Marathon

bombing.

Everybody was

looking for the fake-ass,

bullshit-ass terrorists.

He had

a four-day head start.

He could have been anywhere.

But we knew

he was in the boat

'cause they told us

he was in the boat

from a helicopter.

"That's him in the boat

right there.

That's him in the boat."

Drew a picture around him.

"That's him laying down

at the bottom of the boat.

That's..."

Then they said,

"The police are here.

We going to back up,

let the police go in

and begin negotiations."

And all we heard was...

Then they cut to commercial.

By the time they came back,

that motherf***er had

20 holes in his chest,

a tunnel in his throat.

The next day, they say,

"He was in a gunfight...

...but he didn't

have a gun."

Ask a nigga,

that is not a gunfight.

That's a drive-by

right there. That's...

that's an execution

you got caught in.

Second time we saw it...

second time we saw it

was in LA

when they was looking

for the ex-black cop,

Christopher Dorner.

That was some scary sh*t.

They wanted that nigga bad.

Let me just tell you

I was in LA at the time,

and let me just say you

do not want to be a nigga

when they are looking

for niggas.

That was some scary sh*t.

I didn't realize how much of

my time I spent being black

till I had to try

to drive white for two days.

I'm all up

on the steering wheel.

Them motherfuckers

wanted that nigga bad.

They shot up

two Hispanic women

in a pickup truck

delivering newspapers

at 4:
30 in the morning

looking for a nigga.

Wait a minute.

That is too early

and too late for niggas.

We not fixing to be nowhere

at 4:
30 in the morning,

not even

if we supposed to be.

But we knew

he was in the cabin

'cause they told us

he was in the cabin.

"He's in the cabin.

The police have him

completely surrounded.

There's nowhere

for him to go.

We're going to back up,

let the police go in

and begin negotiations."

And all we saw was,

"Get that motherf***er!"

Then they said, "It looks

like he committed suicide."

They just barbecued

this nigga on national TV.

I know the police

is on some different sh*t.

You don't have to tell me.

I found out the hard way.

They did some sh*t to me

I didn't even know

they was allowed to do.

I knew they could take

a nigga to jail.

I thought that was it.

These motherfuckers put me

in a real mental institution

with real crazy people.

What the f***?!

I might have thought

I was crazy

till you put me in here with

the real crazy motherfuckers.

Now I know I'm sane as sh*t.

You ain't lived till you

try to break up a fight

with a motherf***er

and hisself.

"F*** you, nigga.

F*** you."

"One of y'all is right.

That's all

I'm trying to say.

I ain't trying to be

in your business or nothing."

It's f***ed up.

Here the f*** I tell jokes

for a living.

These motherfuckers

got me handcuffed

to a nigga who's scraping

demons out his face.

He...

I'm over there like,

"Jesus, this is

your humble servant, Lord.

There's clearly been

a miscommunication, Jesus.

Just saying this burden

is a little bit too heavy

for your servant, Lord.

If you could just remove

this boulder

off a nigga's back, Jesus,

I'd really appreciate it,

Lord.

I'm just...

I'm just saying, Jesus,

my cup runneth over, Lord,

is what I'm saying,

and, thing is,

I ain't even thirsty, Jesus,

not a little bit.

You can take this whole cup,

the pitcher, the carafe,

all of it, Jesus."

F***ed up.

You in that motherf***er,

and all you thinking is,

"I can't wait to get

the f*** out of here,

and there ain't sh*t

going to make me stay

in this son of a b*tch."

But they got some medication

in the crazy house

that will put an elephant

on his back.

And I don't know if you

can see from your chair,

but I'm not even

a baby elephant,

and they still gave me

the whole elephant's pill.

I have a trunk,

but I am no elephant.

They had me

on five, six medications

at one motherfucking time,

just trying

to break a nigga.

They had me on some sh*t

named Seroquel.

I don't know what the f***

is in Seroquel,

but I think Satan's penis

is in it, I really do,

because it's from Hell.

That sh*t...

if you whisper

"Seroquel" to me,

I become a different nigga.

Just... Seroquel.

I'm just trying to find

my happy place.

I love these soft-ass pants.

It's f***ed up.

I got out that motherf***er.

I said I'm going to fix

every motherfucking thing

that's wrong with me.

I'm going to f***ing

get all my sh*t together.

That's when I realized

you can't even trust

simple sh*t.

We used to think our doctor

gave a f*** about us.

We used to think our doctor

wanted us to get better

so we would be better.

Our doctor don't

give a f*** about us.

That motherf***er

is making money,

and that is it.

He is a drug dealer

just like the drug dealers.

Ain't no motherfucking

difference.

It's f***ed up.

It's f***ed up.

'Cause

the medicine commercials

have really

gone over the top.

They don't even

give a f*** about us

as people

any-motherfucking-more.

Do you remember

when they used to at least

have the common decency

to whisper the side effect

at the end of the...

you could barely hear

the f***ed-up sh*t

that could

possibly happen to you.

They just,

"Possible side effects are...

Now these motherfuckers

say the motherfucking

side effect

so motherfucking

loud and proud,

you forget what the f***

they were supposed to be curing

in the first place.

And they just keep

going and going, just...

"Are you tired of hangnails

ruining your life?

Well, just take

this simple pill,

and in two weeks,

you'll be jumping rope

and running back to usual.

Possible side effects are

loss of the rest

of your toes,

f***ed-up ankles,

dislocated kneecaps,

separation of thigh meat,

hip dysplasia,

innie-outie belly button,

female breasts.

If you have

two Adam's apples,

if your chin falls off,

if you go blind or deaf

for any reason..."

What the f***?!

Just cut

my goddamn toe off, b*tch.

I got sh*t to do.

Just saying you got to try

whatever you can.

If you in a relationship,

you can't afford to take

that sh*t for granted,

'cause you don't know when

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