Keeping the Faith Page #8

and I'm not coming back.

This is my apartment. You get out.

(PHONE RINGS)

- It's for you. Who calls at this hour?

- I'm sorry.

I was dreaming

about my mother's sausages.

- Hello?

- Brian? (SNIFFLING)

What's wrong?

I need to talk to you.

Can you come over? Please?

Don't move. I'll be right over.

No, I'll be right there. Okay.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(ANNA SOBBING)

- Are you okay?

- Terrific.

- I came running right over.

- Sorry, I didn't mean to call so late.

No, it's fine, don't worry. What's wrong?

- Everything.

- What?

- Me!

- You? You're perfect.

- I am a loser!

- You're not, what are you saying?

- I'm a workaholic.

- No, you're not.

(SCOFFS)

Okay, yes, you are. But you're our

workaholic, and we're proud of you.

- Brian...

- What?

You're my friend, and if I ask you

something, you'll answer honestly?

Of course, you know I will.

When you look at me,

when you look at my life,

do you think, "There's a girl

whose values are all out of whack?"

No, and certainly not in that voice.

- Have I got no spirit?

- What?

I know I'm fun to hang out with,

but does my life seem shallow to you?

- Am I spiritually empty?

- No, are you crazy?

You've got more spirit in you

than most guys in robes out there.

You're a natural, you radiate.

Trust me. What's going on here?

What's this about?

I don't even know where to begin, Brian.

You're my best friend,

and I've been keeping stuff from you.

All these feelings...

Now something has happened,

and I can't keep it from you anymore.

- It's okay.

- It's not okay.

There are things I have to say,

and I feel bad.

- I have things to say, too.

- Mine are big and bad. I need to...

No, please, just listen...

- I love you, too.

- What?

I love you, that's what you want to say,

but you're scared, so I'll say it first.

- Brian...

- It's okay, trust me. Trust me.

We can't fight it,

it's too strong. It's okay.

No, Brian, I can't!

It's the vows, isn't it?

It's the vows, they make

you feel guilty. I can't believe it.

I shouldn't have had

that sex talk with you, I knew it.

I knew it. In my head,

a voice said, "Don't go here..."

You don't understand.

Right now, for the first time ever,

I feel jealous of Jake.

I envy him. This would be so easy

if I was him. I picked the wrong gig.

- Let me talk to you!

- Admit it!

If I was a rabbi,

you could love me without guilt.

- Listen to me!

- What?

I am in love with a rabbi.

- Sorry?

- I'm in love with Jake.

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

I'm stunned.

I'm stunned, I'm paralyzed... What?

Excuse me, my mouth just went all dry.

I can't believe this.

When did this happen?

- We've been together since July.

- July?

(SQUEAKS) Oh!

July?

We should have told you,

but we weren't sure how you'd react.

I'm glad you saved it, because

it's definitely less weird for me now.

Brian...

Let's talk about this. You don't drink.

In light of recent revelations,

no one is in a position

to say what the other one does

or does not do with much authority.

Oh, God!

You must think I'm such an idiot.

- No, Brian.

- No, I think I'm an idiot.

I mean, all these moments with you

I've been walking on a cloud,

it's just been the reflected glow

of you and Jake.

That's not true.

I'm so embarrassed.

God, talk about a bad case

of the third wheel!

- Brian!

- I feel like I'm on some bad TV show.

- Melrose Priest!

- No...

I don't get this. Why now?

Why tell me like this?

After months of lying, why call me

over tonight and cry to me?

He broke up with you, didn't he?

That moron broke up with you,

and you called your friend, the priest.

- I...

- It makes total sense, it's just...

Tonight, I really didn't want to be one.

Oh, Brian...

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(SOBBING)

(CUBAN SPANISH SONG PLAYING)

(RECITING HEBREW BADLY

IN CRACKING VOICE)

Yes, I heard about that.

My grandfather and father were mohels.

Excuse me, I'd like to make a toast...

BRIAN:
Rabbi Jacob Schram!

Rabbi Jacob Schram!

Oh, Rabbi Jacob...

Oh... Hello!

- May I help you?

- Yes, I'm Father Brian Finn.

I'm looking for my old friend,

Rabbi Jacob Schram, and there he is.

- Brian, what's going on?

- Looking smart and breaking hearts.

- What are you doing?

- Don't smile at me.

- I'm on to you, and I'm in no mood...

- What's going on?

- You're drunk.

- I'm not drunk.

I'm not drunk, I'm Irish.

This is milk to me.

What's going on?

- It's okay.

- It's not! My best friend lied to me!

- And he stole my girlfriend, on top of it.

- Come here.

- Did they change the rules?

- Take your hands off me!

Give me that! I can't believe you!

Don't lie here, this is the big room.

God doesn't look favorably on it.

He throws lightning bolts! At liars!

- How did you find out?

- How? How do you think?

- She told you.

- She was crying on my shoulder.

What did you expect?

Did you think she'd just take it

on the chin after how you treated her?

- Hey, wait a minute!

- Listen to me!

Anna is very special,

she's not like other girls.

You said some things

to her that I resent.

You can't just write her off

like one of your dates, I won't let you.

Brian, I'm in love with her! Okay?

I'm sorry you found out like this,

but the fact is,

that it's between me and her.

It was between you and her,

but now it's between you and me.

Why is it between you and me?

- Because I love her.

- I know, I love her, too.

No... I'm in love with her.

- What?

- It came as quite a shock to her, too.

- You're in love with her?

- No one seems to have noticed this...

It's very strange.

I mean, she's like your sister, Brian...

Yes, thank you for adding

new depths to my confusion.

Damn it, Jake. You have a whole city

full of women at your feet.

Why go for the first woman

I've ever had any romantic feeling for?

Wait! Listen to what you're saying.

You're saying I should have

sensed the possibility

that a Catholic priest had a crush

on my secret girlfriend!

BRIAN:
So what? You know how much

I care about her.

You could have known

it would end this way.

I know? What does that mean?

Your casual relationships

with women never work,

because they always fall for you,

because you're smart, funny and cute.

- Don't put this all on me.

- You could've had a fling with anybody.

- Why'd you pull her into your bed?

- She pulled me into her bed!

I don't believe that.

It's the truth. She's a woman,

not the Virgin Mary!

Ow!

Let me get this straight.

I'm talking to a priest

who went on a bender because

his best friend, a rabbi, stole his girl?

Right.

Thank you. I want to thank you

for telling me this story.

- Why?

- Because now I can retire.

You have to give me advice.

That's what this is about.

Oh, God, what do I know?

I'm a half Punjabi Sikh,

one quarter Tamil separatist,

my sister's married

a Jewish doctor from New Jersey,

and our grandmother was an Irish nun

who left me this bar,

which is a very long story.

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