Keeping Up with the Joneses Page #5

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-Okay.

I'm going to put the wine glasses

in the dishwasher.

Right. Okay, so you got--

You wanna narrate!

Okay. All right. I got you. So...

And then... This is so much fun!

The blood leaves Jeff's head

and slowly makes its way

to his midsection.

I don't know why we're in the closet.

-It seems very un-erotic to me.

-Honey, listen!

Listen! Because

our neighbors bugged us!

Told you something

was wrong with them.

Makes a little more sense

what Tim was doing in your den.

And do not tell me

that he had to poop.

He did not have to go number two.

And now I know what Natalie

was doing at the caf.

It was a drop!

A drop? What are you talking about?

I can't believe she duped me

into this lingerie.

But she was in her underwear

and I was in my underwear and--

Oh, my God! She was so persuasive.

Wait. You were both in your

underwear at the same time?

Get your mind out of the gutter!

It was a charade!

Okay, Karen, I just wanna make sure

this isn't another case of paranoia.

Remember the time you made me sleep in

the car 'cause I ate that hot pepper

and you thought I was possessed?

Your eyes were all red. You were

trying to have sex on a school night.

I know, but it was just the jalapeeno.

That's my point.

God! We gotta call the cops!

Call the cops and tell them what?

Our neighbors bugged the house?

-Yes!

-That sounds crazy!

What happens when

we really need the cops?

They won't come to our house. Why?

Because we're on some kind

of crazy list. That's crazy.

You're right. We need more evidence.

-And it's a jalapeo.

-Karen. Karen!

Karen!

Kar-- Karen, look.

I know that you miss

Mikey and Patrick,

but parents weekend

is not for two weeks.

Get down!

Parents weekend isn't for two weeks.

Maybe we can do some

breathing exercises to center you.

Jeff, I don't need to do any deep

breathing exercises! I'm centered!

It's quiet over there.

It's too quiet.

They're probably watching us,

watching them.

They're not watching us! They're at

a restaurant with Stacey Chung.

How do you know that?

Because we talked about it

at the indoor skydiving place!

Why didn't you tell me?

Karen, stop!

Darling, stop, please!

Think about what you're doing.

You'll go to jail

for something like this.

Only if I get caught.

See? No fingerprints.

Now, people move in,

they always change the locks,

but they never change

the garage remote.

I forgot to give it back when Bridget

and Dave went to Myrtle Beach

and asked me to feed Smokey.

Are you coming?

You're gonna need to cover your hands.

Cover my hands? With what?

Use your socks.

Oh, God! It looks like a show home.

-They painted over Bridget's mural.

-That's a real tragedy.

Look, there's nothing weird here.

Let's go, let's go!

Karen! There are windows everywhere.

Get down! Get down!

So weird.

Stand up!

These pots have never seen

a lick of flame.

Little weird for someone

with a cooking blog?

Well, it's a new house, new pots.

It makes sense to me.

And an empty spice rack. She wows

the neighbors with her appetizers.

No spices.

Never judge a woman

by her spice rack, Karen.

Check for stuff about

Sri Lankan orphans.

I bet that's another web of lies!

Sorry, Tim, for breaking

into your house.

I just wanted to be your friend.

This certainly isn't

a friendly gesture.

You know what, honey? I can hear you.

And it hurts my feelings

when you're not supportive.

Karen, this is ridiculous!

It's gotta be here somewhere.

Karen! Karen, Karen, Karen!

Look at them. So perfect.

Karen, come on, let's go.

Look at this.

Okay. So, they're gamers. Let's go.

Karen! Don't! What are you doing?

Stacey Chung.

Isn't she out with the Joneses?

Yeah.

Ted Wallace.

He works with you, right?

Yeah. Maybe it's just some

kind of social media thing.

Dhameer Mustafa?

There's Dan.

Sanjay.

Oh, God! They're targeting MBI.

There's some kind of missile.

These are all the people

he was asking me about.

Oh, my God! I told him everything.

-Oh, God.

-We've gotta go.

Switch down the computer, honey.

We gotta get out of here.

I can't get any purchase on the mouse

because I have a sock hand.

-Okay, hold on.

-Switch it off! Put it back.

-Karen...

-Put it back the--

No! You don't understand!

They're spies.

-Karen, please, okay? Just shh!

-We gotta go right now!

I need to write these names down.

What are you doing? We gotta go!

They could be back at any second.

What are you staring at?

What is that? A pen?

What?

-What?

-You have a...

Oh, God! Oh, my God! Now what?

Oh, sh*t, I killed her.

Karen!

Karen!

Thank God!

Honey.

Okay, we gotta go. Karen, wake up!

Oh, God.

Okay. Okay. Damn!

Sorry. Sorry.

-You're welcome, baby.

-Okay.

-You're so cute!

-Karen, shh!

Okay. Okay.

Why are you shushing me?

They haven't any dogs.

I thought Chili's

was supposed to be fancy.

Yeah, I don't think you ordered well.

Remember when we were in college,

and your parents, they almost caught

us in the bushes, and we hid!

Yeah.

Wait, I met you after college.

Oh, my God!

It's almost like our wedding night.

Why did we do that? What are we doing?

What do we do?

Jeff, you're being so serious!

-I'm Jeff. I'm so serious.

-Karen, Karen, Karen!

-Why are you being so serious?

-Okay.

-Stop licking me!

-Yeah.

Okay, listen. Oh, sh*t!

Sh*t.

-I'm getting on top!

-I--

I'm getting on top.

-Karen! Karen! Karen!

-I'm on top!

That makes me feel weird.

Karen, please.

I'm not into this right now,

sweetheart.

I'm not really into this.

-Cuddle me.

-No cuddling! Our neighbors are spies!

-Our neighbors are spies.

-I wanna cuddle. Cuddle me.

Look at them up there.

Probably going upstairs to make sex,

and they won't even think about us.

You broke my heart, Tim Jones.

You broke my heart.

I'm just saying,

the place is called Chili's.

-It's a Mexican place.

-I can't believe...

-I don't know why you would...

-...we're still talking about that.

...order anything remotely Asian.

Okay. I guess we can cross off Stacey.

She's not going to give us anything.

Hey, do you know what a Grillbot is?

What?

It's this thing. Jeff was telling me

about it the other day.

It's this little robot

that cleans your barbecue--

I hope this is not going to be

a problem.

What?

First rule of what we do. Don't get

too close to your targets. Remember?

Actually...

the first rule of what we do, is to

not fall in love with your partner.

Right? Wasn't that the first rule?

Tim Jones.

What am I going to do with you?

I don't know.

-You don't know?

-I don't know.

-I have a few ideas.

-I have some ideas too.

You do?

-Should I start now?

-Yes, you should.

Okay. Okay.

Well, that might be a problem.

Hey, buddy. Can I use your computer?

I need to check

my fantasy baseball roster.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Thanks.

What is happening?

You okay, Jeff?

You seem kind of distant.

No, I'm fine. I'm just...

sifting through the wreckage

of every value I once held dear.

Good. I was worried

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