Keeping Up with the Joneses Page #6

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it might be something real.

Hey, Dan.

Dan!

The Joneses aren't

who they say they are.

What are you talking about?

Your phone.

Okay. Okay.

The Joneses are spies.

Spies?

Spies?

Yes! They planted a bug in our house.

I can't believe I let Tim diaper me

dupe me

Have you told anyone?

I'm meeting with Carl Pronger

in Security

But it's not like that, I swear!

Sometimes she picks up on things.

This time she was right.

You have to take this upstairs, Carl!

This company, my neighborhood,

Western civilization as we know it,

they're all at risk.

And it might be my fault.

All right, Gaffney.

I'll do some digging.

Okay. Thank you.

See what I can learn

about these devices.

And if I find out they're real,

and not from some hobby shop,

-well, you wait for my call.

-Okay.

Go for Jeff.

I gotta say, Gaffney,

you and your wife were right.

You know those devices you gave me?

I was talking to a friend of mine.

Ex-military.

And well, this line is unsecured,

so I can't go into details,

but let me just say,

this stuff is the real sh*t!

God! Okay. Who are the Joneses

working for? Are they Russian?

Damn it, Gaffney.

What is it about the word

"unsecured" that you don't get?

Look, I'm gonna do some more digging,

and then you meet with me

before work tomorrow.

Okay.

You know the old MBI building? On 75?

7:
00 a.m. Just look for the van.

Why are we meeting there?

Well, so we can strategize

before we take it upstairs!

My buddy says the last time

he saw tech like that

was on a dead man.

Dead man? Why would you say--

Jesus!

"Jesus" is right.

Gaffney, this is the big time!

I mean, we are going all the way.

-Not now, Carl. Not now.

-Don't try to give me the brush off.

If you think you're gonna

handle this yourself...

-Okay, okay.

-...you're making a big mistake!

-Work buddy.

-Gaffney, don't mess this up!

-Carl! Okay, yeah. Good.

-7:
00 a.m. Bring lattes...

You okay there, buddy?

You almost ran me over.

Yeah, I was looking for Bernie.

He keeps pooping

in my yard and I was just--

I mean, his dogs keep

pooping in my yard. I was distracted.

How are you?

You don't seem like yourself, Jeff.

You don't seem like yourself, Tim.

What's that supposed to mean?

I was... You said it to me. I was...

What did you mean when you said it?

We think we had a break-in last night.

-What?

-Yeah. I know. Really rocks your

faith in the notion of trust,

doesn't it?

Tell me about it. My gosh!

You'd think in a neighborhood

like this

you wouldn't have to worry

about something like that.

I'm so sorry about that, Tim.

Yeah, well, Jeff,

here's the thing about trust.

Once it's gone, bad things happen.

I heard that.

Okay, well, I should go.

Karen and I are supposed to

take a bath.

Yeah, a little warning.

Carl can be a bit prickly,

but he's a top notch security man

and he happens to like the way

-your mind thinks, okay?

-Okay.

Is that him in the bathrobe

hanging laundry?

I don't know.

Maybe he's having a yard sale.

Gaffney, right on time!

And you brought the lattes.

Knew I could count on you.

This is my wife Carl.

I mean, this is my wife, Carl.

Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Karen Gaffney.

Yeah, well, welcome

to my home away from home.

Or to be more accurate, my home.

But not for long.

Here, please. Thank you.

Sit down here.

Let me just clear this stuff away.

Get this laundry outta here.

It's the maid's day off.

Not at all. It's just that

when you told us to meet you

at the van,

I didn't realize

you'd be living in it.

Yeah, well, the truth is...

you know, I've been living

in the old Westfalia here

ever since my wife left me

and took everything I had.

-Sorry, Carl.

-That's terrible.

And now thanks to you for bringing me

in on this deal, Jeff.

I think things are finally

starting to break my way again!

What do you have for us?

Oh, boy, what have I got?

Let me show you here.

You know, here's something that Jeff

never thought he'd hear. Gaffney...

are you ready for a level four

security clearance?

-Okay.

-Okay. Here we go.

-Carl.

-Yeah?

You got like a red dot

on your forehead.

It's called adult acne.

Thank you very mu--

God!

I've been hit!

I've been hit! I've been hit!

Oh, my God! Sh*t.

-Are you hurt?

-I've been shot!

God! No, honey, it's just the latte!

It burns! It burns!

Oh, sh*t! It's the Joneses!

Try not to shoot them.

Let's run for Carl's house.

Oh, God!

Get in the car! Now!

Let us get on with

our stupid little lives!

Get in the car now

and I will explain everything. Mostly.

I'm tired of your

silver-tongued lies, Jones!

Do you wanna get killed

out here? Get in the car!

Why? So you could kill us in there?

There were no spices

in your spice rack!

I said get in the car.

We're gonna get in the car.

For Patrick and Mikey. Right, honey?

Guys, now. It is very dangerous. Now!

When I count to three

we're gonna run, okay?

One... Two...

Jeff!

-Oh, my God!

-I said three!

Jeff, please, would you

just get in the car?

I was making a head start!

On your wife?

You two are acting like children

right now.

Now, get in the car.

Right now. Get in this car.

Put your seat belt on,

for Christ's sake.

-Oh, my God.

-Come on!

-Go, go, go.

-Let's go, let's go.

What is going on here, Tim?

Are you stealing secrets from MBI?

We're not stealing secrets from you.

-There they are.

-I see them.

We're spies.

His seat belt is jammed! Pull over.

-Shut up!

-Jeff gets car sick in the back!

-Quiet!

-Shut up!

You broke into our house.

What kind of neighbors are you?

You planted a bug in our house.

What kind of neighbors are you?

You know, they kind of have a point.

It's so hot in here.

-Put the AC on. Please!

-No.

Can you turn the

air conditioner on, please?

-It's not going on!

-It's hot.

My seat belt's not on! Wait!

Okay, it's about to get weird.

About to get weird?

Quick question. Are you guys

the good guys or bad guys?

What do you think?

-I think the guys in black...

-Sh*t!

...on the motorcycles shooting at us

might be the bad guys.

Get down, get down, get down!

What is that?

It's camp.

What?

Hey, sweetie. How are you?

-The cookies are for both of you.

-Karen!

Mikey, if you split it,

he gets to choose first.

-Karen!

-Because that's fair!

Get down! Get down

Karen, get off the phone!

Because otherwise you would

make one piece bigger.

And then you'd pick that one.

Put Mikey on, put--

Just split the cookie!

Just split the cookie!

Oh, sh*t!

To the right, Natalie.

Thanks, Karen.

Brake!

Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Please get out of the way.

Please get out of the way

so I can see.

There's something blinking on the back

of the car. Is that bad?

Yes, Jeff, that is decidedly bad.

You need to go out there

and take that off.

-Wha... I need to take it off?

-Yes!

-Well, can you slow down?

-No!

-I'm driving. We're being chased.

-Get it off!

I'm not gonna slow down.

They're trying to kill us!

Right. Coming from the guy who

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