Keeping Up with the Joneses Page #8

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-Karen.

It's probably just a fuse.

Because a house exploded, it could

just be a problem with the grid.

Yeah.

Maybe you should check

the fuse box, honey.

-Okay, yeah.

-And I'm gonna just...

stay here and pack.

Maybe you should

go with me to the fuse box.

That way you're not alone.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah. There we go.

There it is. There it is.

Okay.

It was just the circuit breaker.

-It's okay.

-Good Lord!

Don't scream. It's not what you think.

What, you didn't kidnap our friends

and tie them to chairs?

It is what you think. But it's

not for the reasons you think.

Dan is the one

selling secrets from MBI.

What?

-You're right. She's very good.

-Told you.

Dan, is that true?

And how are you two alive?

Your house exploded.

Jeff, things aren't

always what they seem.

You should know that by now.

So?

How could you not tell me

you were feeling this way?

Well, look...

To be honest, you are not exactly

the easiest woman in the world

-for a man to admit his fears to.

-What?

How can you say that to me?

I'm compassionate and sensitive.

You can say anything to me.

Well, calling me a p*ssy

in Hebrew is not helping things.

Run.

You dove headfirst

through a plate glass window?

It's not as hard as it seems.

Who's behind all this?

Who's trying to kill you?

It's an international arms dealer

who calls himself The Scorpion.

The Agency's been after him for years.

And your friends here

were about to sell him these.

That's what we make at MBI?

-What are these?

-Microchips.

In the wrong hands,

the information on those chips

could be used to undermine the entire

U.S. missile defense system.

For the last three months, Dan's been

smuggling them out of the building.

Prison-style.

Wait. Prison-style? What do you mean?

I think that means he put 'em in

a balloon and stuck 'em up his butt.

What?

Oh, God!

Why did you do this, Dan?

That's exactly what

we're about to find out, Jeff.

Yeah.

Tim!

Spread your legs, Danny boy.

Mrs. Jones has some work to do.

Natalie...

Jesus. Jeff.

Jeff, please, do something!

Either you talk...

Jeff, stop her please!

She's a psychopath!

Tim, can I just have a word with

you guys for one second, please?

Please don't hurt me. Please.

-Okay, okay.

-Get this psycho away from me, Jeff.

Relax.

We're excited that

you guys are still alive.

But this is our basement. This is not

a Abu Ghraib, you know, scenario here.

-Our kids play down here.

-I don't like it either.

But this is

a national security situation.

Yeah, but you can't torch a man's

scrotum and expect him to speak.

You'd be surprised.

These are human beings.

You gotta connect with them, okay?

-Let me talk to 'em for two minutes.

-He's a people person.

You have 90 seconds.

Okey-dokey.

Okay, Meg.

Dan, I want you to know...

like the HR department, this basement

is a place of non-judgment, okay?

And even though

you stole from the company

and betrayed your country

and cul-de-sac,

and, you know, placed microchips

in your darkest cavity,

mistakes happen!

Oh, my God! Can we please waterboard

them and get this over with?

We live in confusing times.

And I think that the lines between

right and wrong become blurry.

It's hard to even know what those

words mean, isn't it, Dan?

What is this? Good cop, good cop?

Look, I might not know

what's going on, on the sixth floor,

but did you know that every time

an employee requests a raise

it comes through the HR department?

And I've seen your requests.

And I know that they've been denied,

every time, for the last five years.

That's a lot of time, Dan. Lot of

good time you gave to the company?

-Where's your piece of the pie?

-Exactly.

You know how hard it is

to raise four children

on a rocket scientist's salary?

Oh, God! Shut up, you idiot!

No! You shut up, Lady Macbeth!

Okay.

You're the one who pushed me

into this, you know that?

With all your constant demands

and trendy needs.

I did not tell you

to go on Jeff's computer

and make a deal with an arms dealer!

Well, you didn't tell me not to.

Jeff...

I was at the end of my rope.

The financial pressure was crazy.

Groceries and tutors and...

I got four kids under 13 in braces.

Do you understand? Do you, Jeff?

I do. You know I do. I mean...

if kids have crooked teeth,

we can't have crooked teeth

in this society.

This isn't Great Britain, you know?

There's all sorts of things

you have to keep up with and...

New tires for the minivan,

piano lessons,

you know, and, because all that...

Carl Pronger is dead!

Hang on! Get a hold of yourself!

I never wanted anyone

to get hurt, Jeff, I swear.

We were protecting you.

The Scorpion doesn't even

know who you are. Karen!

Shut up, Meg! Brooklyn Loft is stupid.

All right, not helping.

I'm crying.

Where did you get an onion?

-Who? Me?

-Yeah, you.

I got it from upstairs.

From our kitchen.

Is this your phone?

Is this the Scorpion calling?

I'm gonna answer this

and you're gonna talk to him.

And you're gonna lead us to him.

He'll sniff me out in a second.

You know what he's capable of.

-Answer the phone now.

-Natalie...

No more games.

Look, I can't. I'm not a spy!

I'm a soccer dad!

He never misses a game.

Oh, my God. All right,

I'm gonna answer it.

No, we can't.

Our cover was blown, remember?

Well, I don't have a lot of options.

What do you want me to do?

Hello?

Hello? Mr. Rascal Flatts?

I needed a cover name.

Hello?

Hi!

Yes, this is Rascal.

Are you and your wife

ready to make the deal?

Yes, Mrs. Flatts and I

are very excited about it.

Tomorrow night.

The Odyssey Hotel. 9:00 p.m.

Go to the V-Bar.

A table will be reserved for you.

Bring the requested item and wait.

V-Bar. Okay thank you very much.

Just out of curiosity,

is there a dress code?

I'll... I can look that up online.

Okay.

What have I done?

No, no. You did everything great!

You did everything great.

-Okay.

-You did!

-I did.

-Jeff and Karen, welcome to

the sexy and exciting world

of international espionage

and covert operations.

Buddy, I think it's time

we get you in a proper suit.

Nice! Is it an extra medium?

A killer dress.

That's all of it?

This tie has been fitted

with a miniature surveillance mic.

It's completely undetectable.

I don't know if I can walk in these.

The heel is equipped

with a tracking device

that allows us to monitor

your every move.

Natalie and I will secure

a position right upstairs on the roof.

And establish a command center.

Now, you know at some point,

you're gonna have to put on pants.

Yeah. I know. I'm just nervous still.

It's gonna be okay.

Simple in and out job.

Make the exchange, leave the hotel.

Got it. In and out.

Just out of curiosity,

what happens, you know,

worst-case scenario?

Worst-case scenario?

We radio for backup,

and we storm the place

with the full force

of the United States government.

Okay. Got it.

-Okay?

-Yeah.

You look good.

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