Keeping Up with the Joneses Page #9

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Don't forget those pants.

Reminds me of our first date.

And our second.

What's wrong?

We never really did finish

that conversation, did we?

Well, the house did explode.

So...

Look, I just want you to know

I realized something last night

when I was about to fry

Dan's testicles.

I know I'm not the best listener,

but I can change.

What? You don't think I can?

No, no, no. I know you can.

Just don't change too much, okay?

Okay.

Honey, are you ready?

What are you doing?

I was just listening

to some Rascal Flatts.

-Trying to get into character.

-Oh, God!

Patrick leaves these toys

on the stairs.

-Somebody's gonna hurt themselves.

-Karen!

What? Do you like it? Is it too much?

No! Not at all. It's just enough.

Thanks, honey.

Is this the lingerie

you were wearing the other day?

Yeah, I figured if we're gonna

do this, I should do it right.

Yeah.

-You look so handsome.

-Thank you very much.

How much time until

we have to be at the hotel?

We've got 45 minutes.

-Karen. Karen.

-Jeff,

your tie's stuck.

-Karen!

-Sorry, honey.

What?

I think they're having sex.

Goddamn it,

we don't have time for this.

I mean, they're supposed to be

here in 45 minutes.

Nope, they are done.

All right.

Wow! Look, honey. Beautiful design!

-Hey, Karen.

-Yeah?

Thanks so much for the sex.

Go.

Hello!

-Hi.

-Hi. We have a reservation for two

under the name Rascal Flatts.

It's not our real name.

We're having an affair.

Come with me.

Hey, Tim. We're in the restaurant

right now. Everything's going okay.

Honey, sushi.

There's sushi as well.

I'm gonna sign off for right now.

Ciao.

-That's our table.

-No, this way.

Really?

Thank you so much.

Is this the line to

the little boys' room?

-I don't need to use it.

-Come.

I'm confused. I...

It's part of the...

I thought it was just gonna be us.

You fellas with The Scorpion?

All right, they're on the move.

Moving into position.

Thank you.

There he is. Rascal Flatts.

You have any trouble

finding the place?

No. Your henchmen were very...

I'm a little ticklish there.

Your henchmen were very helpful.

This must be the wife. Wow! You guys

really dressed up for tonight.

Thank you. Yeah.

Well, we don't get out very often.

When we do, we really

like to make the most of it.

Awesome. Ivan?

All clear.

Sorry about the frisking. You cannot

be too careful in my line of work.

Let me make it up to you

with some very expensive,

very delicious champagne.

Wow! Look at that gun.

And by the way,

you two have gotta try this dip.

It's amazing.

It's a cheat day for me, so I went

a little crazy with room service.

I hope you don't mind.

Mrs. Flatts makes a great

seven-layer dip. I'll tell you that.

I bet she does.

I do. The secret is an extra layer.

An eight-layer dip.

Sneaky! I love that.

Do I know you from somewhere?

I seriously doubt it.

He's a people person.

Come on, Jeff. Stay calm.

Just do what we talked about.

Well, did the people person

bring this person his computer chips?

Yes. Yes, yes.

You'll find them right here.

Careful.

Denver, 2010.

Were you at the National

Aerospace Convention?

Because I think we were

in the same focus group.

Are we still doing this?

No, we're n-- it's done.

It's really done. It's so done.

Why does he keep

asking those questions?

I don't think he can help it.

It's just what he does.

He connects with people.

-Perfect, as promised.

-Sh*t.

Ivan?

Okay. Here we go. Thank you.

-Okay! We got it. Great.

-Yeah. That checks out.

Well, pleasure doing business

with both of you.

Thank you, Mr. Scorpion and friends.

Thank you. Yeah.

Okay. Grab that stuff.

Hey! You drop your little ball.

That's fine. We have...

I have plenty of those.

Keep it. Keep it. It's a...

-Excuse me.

-Stop!

You're the HR guy.

No, he's not. He's an engineer.

He... Dr. Flatts.

-Yeah, I'm in the rocket sciences.

-He went to college!

-He's very smart. MIT.

-No.

No. You were right.

We have met before.

See from '02 to '05,

I was a mid-level drone at MBI.

-And you are Jeff Gaffney.

-No.

-Human Resources.

-Wrong.

Yeah. You helped me

with my "suicidal depression."

With your little trust exercises

and stress balls!

This entire thing is a setup!

Goddamn it, Jeff!

Decoys have been made.

I repeat, decoys have been made.

We need to extract. Do you copy?

Carlos, take a team out,

lock the hallway down.

Yuri, take four guys up

the stairwell to the roof.

Radio the helicopter, we are getting

the hell out of here.

We need backup to extract

the decoys. Do you copy?

Negative. Collateral damage.

We cannot engage in a public arena.

Pull back and abort.

Do you copy?

Jones, do you copy?

Boris, get some ice tongs

and a cigarette lighter.

Goddamn it, Jones. Do you copy?

Copy, copy. Pulling out.

I repeat, pulling out.

We'll meet you

at the extraction point.

You really wanna

just leave them in there?

Of course not.

They're our neighbors.

Sweetie, everything's fine, okay?

That's why I rent the extra henchmen,

for situations like this.

-Is it Peter? No.

-That's why I paid

-for the whole floor.

-Honey, what are you doing?

-I'm trying to figure out his name.

-Chopper to the jet.

We'll be in Jakarta by morning,

-and when we get there, I--

-Bruce.

You talking to me?

I remember your name.

Your name is Bruce.

Bruce Springstine.

I... No, I think you have me

confused with somebody else.

Nah, I'm the one that mediated

your parking space dispute.

Is that what caused you

to go into a life of crime?

A bruised ego

over a lousy parking space?

Jesus Christ! What is this?

Amateur night?

Wait a second.

Your name is Bruce Springstine?

Yes, Ivan, it is.

It's Bruce Springstine

and it's a perfectly good name

like any other name.

And you wanted us

to call you The Boss?

I didn't want you guys

to call me "The Boss."

I wanted you to call me, "Boss."

All right? And that's just

for simplicity's sake. Okay?

That's just sad.

And that parking space thing

was bullshit, all right?

I'd been there for three years!

They still had me in Lot D!

That's the other side

of the highway, okay?

I had to cross the...

-The footbridge thing. Yeah!

-The little... The footbridge!

A footbridge, every day,

rain or shine!

So, thank you.

-I am really going to enjoy this.

-Okay.

-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

-No!

Good. SEAL team's here.

Go, go, go! Get down,

get down, get down!

Go, boys! Go, go, go!

Shock and awe! Shock and awe!

Honey, I can't hear anything.

They're silent killers.

That's how they got Bin Laden.

-Let's just stay down, okay?

-Okay.

Where's the backup?

Those guys are with him.

There's no backup, Jeff.

They pulled out

when you blew your cover.

What do you mean there's no backup?

You're what they call

"collateral damage."

That's not good. I saw it on Homeland!

What do you me-- You didn't say

anything about collateral damage!

I asked you about the worst-case

scenario and you said,

"Well, the worst-case scenario,

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