Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #10

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"Say something!"

She said,

(IN SQUEAKY FEMALE VOICE)

"I can't feel my mouth."

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

I said, "What?"

She said,

"My mouth feels numb.

"I can't feel my mouth."

I look down, slobber

and sh*t coming out

the side of her mouth.

It dawned on me

she done sucked all

the numbing cream off.

But as a man,

you can't tell

on yourself.

You gotta take

this to the grave.

So I just made

some sh*t up.

I said,

"You must be allergic

to these pillowcases.

"These are

new pillowcases."

She's like, "I know."

She said,

"I know, I'm gonna

throw them in the trash."

I said, "Yeah.

"We gotta get rid of these."

This is what almost

made me sh*t on myself.

She said...

She said,

"I don't feel pretty."

"You don't look it right now.

"This is f***ed up.

"This is bad for everybody.

"You over here with

that permanent

"going-down-on-

the-roller-coaster face."

This is f***ed up.

"Oh, no. Oh, no."

I let, like, a week go by,

then I told her.

I told her

what happened.

I didn't give a sh*t.

I told you guys,

I'm 36.

36 is the perfect age

to stop giving a sh*t.

The sh*t that

I used to care about,

I don't care about anymore.

Like when I wear

white underwear.

Now, I don't care

about wearing 'em.

Back then, if I had, like,

sh*t stains in my drawers,

I would try to get my drawers

before she saw them.

Get 'em out of the house.

Get in my car,

drive, cut 'em up,

throw 'em out at

different exits.

"She ain't never

gonna find these.

"CSI couldn't find these."

Why do women love to argue

about obvious sh*t?

Like, she found

a pair of my drawers

with sh*t stains

in them one time,

she confronted me.

"Uh, excuse me.

"What is this?"

"B*tch, it's sh*t.

"What do you think it is?

It's sh*t.

"It's perfectly placed

in the crack of my ass.

"What else would it be?

"What,

you think I got a Sharpie

and I'm f***ing with you?

"You think I got

a brown Sharpie,

"and I'm like, 'She's gonna

think this is sh*t?'

"Smell it,

it smells like sh*t."

I got mad 'cause I

knew where I hid them.

So I tried to flip it.

I was like,

"What the f*** you doing

behind the dresser?

"I hid those

behind the dresser!"

Sh*t that I used to

care about, I don't care.

I don't care about

not giving a sh*t

as long as I don't go crazy.

I don't wanna become crazy.

I respect crazy

people too much.

The reason why,

I've had too many situations

with real-life crazy people.

I'ma tell you,

the craziest situation

I've ever been in,

one night, I'm drunk.

I'm hungry.

Everything's closed,

so I stop at a gas station.

I go to the gas station

and it's crowded.

There's like

13 people in line.

I want my chips

and snacks that bad

that I'm willing

to wait in line.

I decide to

open up my chips.

I start eating them

while I'm in line.

Out of nowhere,

the guy in front

of me snaps.

"Sick of this sh*t!

"B*tch on the register

all f***ing slow!

"I bet you'll speed it up

"when I start shooting

these motherfuckers

in the head!"

When I turned back around,

we locked eyes.

We're looking

at each other.

I panicked, I was like,

"You took the words right

outta my goddamn mouth!

"I was about to

say the same sh*t!"

He said, "Yeah, 'cause me

and you brothers, that's why.

"Don't worry,

I got this one.

"You get the next one.

You can leave."

I said, "Thank you."

I left real fast.

I didn't say sh*t.

I just walked out.

Let me tell you something.

One of the most

uncomfortable moments

in my life was the day

that I had to

walk by 13 people

that have just been told

that they was about to die

when I got chose to live.

The reason why I was mad

was 'cause they kept staring

at me on my way out.

I was like, "What?

"He chose me.

"What do you want

from me?"

This one lady was like,

"Call the cops."

I was like, "I can't.

"My phone's dead.

"Just like you."

And I walked out.

I was like this.

I was just happy

to be alive.

I got stories

like that for days.

I can give you guys, by far,

this is probably

my most uncomfortable

moment in life by far.

I'm at the airport.

I just landed.

I'm on my way

to baggage claim.

While I'm walking

to baggage claim,

out of nowhere,

my stomach tells my ass

that I gotta sh*t right now.

I've never felt

anything like this

in my life.

I had to shut

my body down.

Don't nobody

know what's going on

except me and my ass.

I had to lock my ass up.

That's when you

just get tight ass.

I'm having

a conversation

with my ass.

"Come on, man.

"You really gonna do

this sh*t right now?"

My ass was like,

"Yup, right now."

"You can't wait 20 minutes

till I get back to the house?"

"Nope, you got 20 seconds.

"Clock starts now.

"19, 18, 17, 16, 15..."

I say, "You got

to be shitting me."

He said,

"I'm not, but I will."

"Okay, wait, wait,

wait, wait. Wait. Wait!"

I don't wanna go

to the bathroom

at the airport,

but I don't have

a choice.

The reason why I don't

wanna go to the bathroom

at the airport

is because I don't want

people taking pictures of me

going to the bathroom

and coming out, posting it.

#KevinHartStinkybutt.

People play too much.

Social media sh*t

has gotten out of hand.

But I can't hold it,

I have to go.

I make the decision to use

the bathroom at the airport.

I'm in

the bathroom stall, right?

Once again, people,

you cannot make

sh*t like this up.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

This is what it

looks like, people.

No, I'm for real,

this is a life-size photo.

This is really

what it looks like.

This is how small I am

on an actual toilet.

I'm in the bathroom.

It's 6:
30 in the morning.

I'm by myself.

By myself.

It's quiet.

It's just like this.

Quiet.

This is what I hear

outta nowhere.

"Yo, Kev Hart,

how long you gonna be, man?

"I wanna get a picture

with you when you come out."

Immediately I put my feet up.

I did this right here.

I said, if he can't see

my feet, he'll go away.

He's like, "Come on, man,

I saw your feet already.

"I know you're in there.

"Just gimme a timeframe.

"How long you gonna be?"

"Gimme like 15,

20 minutes, man."

"Come on, man,

that's too long.

"My flight leaves in like 10 minutes.

Just pinch it.

"Pinch it off for me."

"What the f***?

"What? No, man.

"Ain't nobody's pinching nothing, man.

"Just get outta here."

"Kev, don't do me like that.

"I'm your biggest fan, man.

"I support everything you do.

"What would you do if you was me?"

"I would let me sh*t by myself, man.

"Just get outta here."

He said, "Kev, come on.

"You know what?

"This is what I'ma do,

I'ma get my picture real quick.

"I'm just gonna put

my phone over the stall,

"I'ma snap a picture real quick."

The fear that went through my body

of looking up and seeing a camera flash.

Oh, my God, I was scared because

I didn't put toilet paper on the toilet seat.

I didn't have time.

I didn't want that picture to get out

'cause I didn't want my fan base to know

that I be raw-butting

these toilet seats sometimes.

I said y'all gonna

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