Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #9

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think I was doing."

"Your lady gonna think

you was sucking dick,

that's what you telling me?

"Well, you ain't

sucked no dick over here,

I'll tell you that.

"This ain't

the dick-sucking house,

"so I don't know

where you did that at."

"Joey, shut your dumb ass up!

Shut up!

"Bottom line,

I'm not going to

my house like this."

I said, "Joey, I got a plan.

"This is what I'm gonna do.

"Get up, get dressed.

"Put on the same clothes

you had on last night.

"We're gonna get in my car.

"I'm gonna run my car

into a wall, okay?

"That way the airbags deploy.

"When they deploy,

I'ma take a selfie.

"I'ma post it.

"I'ma be like, 'F***!

Another accident!

Sh*t happens.'

"#HospitalReady.

"#iLoveMyLadyTho."

Um...

"#TheDevilisALiar.

"#JesusTookTheWheelAgain."

The point that

I'm making is that

I was willing

to go through all

those drastic measures

just to avoid

telling the truth.

The truth is,

I was playing ping-pong.

But if I walk in

the house at 10:
00 am,

as soon

as I walk in the house,

my lady in the kitchen,

and she like,

"Where the f*** was

you at last night?"

And I go,

"I was playing ping-pong!"

And then her black

girlfriend pop out

and she like, "Ping-pong?

"Really?"

(AUDIENCE ECHOING)

I'm in trouble.

I know my lady, people.

I'ma tell you the worst thing

about my woman.

The worst thing about her

is her sense of humor.

After I proposed, I had to

go to Atlanta for two months.

I'm in Atlanta,

I'm filming a movie.

I get to my hotel,

I unpack my bag,

I find a pocket p*ssy

in my bag.

For those people here

tonight who do not know

what a pocket p*ssy is,

a pocket p*ssy...

A pocket p*ssy is a p*ssy

you put in your pocket.

I don't know, people.

It's self-explanatory.

I think the definition

is in the title.

All I know is,

I didn't put it in my bag.

I call her.

"Hey!

"You put this pocket

p*ssy in my bag?"

"Yes.

"Yes, I did."

"For what?"

"Because you're gonna

be gone for two months.

"If you get the urge

to do something,

I suggest you do it

"to that pocket p*ssy."

"Girl, get off

my phone. Bye."

"Bye."

I hang up the phone,

unpack my bag,

I put the pocket p*ssy

on the table.

I walk by that pocket p*ssy

for three days, people.

Each day became more difficult

than the day before.

Day one...

Day one, I was cool.

"Ha!

"She bought a pocket p*ssy,

put a pocket p*ssy in my bag!

"She crazy,

bought a pocket p*ssy!"

Day two.

"Let me read the package.

"What does it say?

"Like, what is it?"

Day three.

"I'ma open it

'cause I wanna smell it.

"Is it real?

"Like, what is it?"

Day four was

the saddest day

of my life.

Day four was the day

that I decided to f***

the pocket p*ssy.

Let me tell you

when it got bad.

It didn't get bad

until I caught a reflection

of what I was doing

in the mirror.

I was going to work

on this pocket p*ssy,

people.

I swear to God.

I was butt-ass naked,

sweating, talking sh*t.

"You think I'm just gonna

walk by you every day?

"That's what you think?

"You asked for this.

"You wanted this

just as much as I did."

I was so disappointed

in myself.

Let me tell you,

here's why I was mad.

I was mad at the fact

that they make contraptions

for men.

Like, fellas,

if we wanna use something

to please ourselves sexually,

we look like creeps.

Perverts.

Women, you got it made.

You got cute sh*t.

You got the bullet.

The bullet is this big.

You can fit it in

your coin purse.

Use it at your desk at work.

(MAKES BUZZING NOISE)

(MOANING)

(MAKES BUZZING NOISE)

(MOANING)

"You all right, Carol?"

"I am now."

"What the f***

happened to you?"

It's not the same for men.

I've been to the sex store.

The sh*t that I saw,

it disgusted me.

The pocket mouth.

The pocket ass.

The pocket titties.

I was disgusted.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

I bought all of it.

I did.

No, I know. I know.

That's one of

the longest walks

I've ever taken back

to my car in my life.

When they give you

that pitch-black

pervert plastic bag,

you're trying

to look normal.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

You look like

a f***ing creep.

Everything about

you says "creep".

You're trying to speak,

"How you all doing?

Everybody all right?"

"Get your freaky ass

outta here, man!

"I see that

black plastic bag

full of d*cks.

"Get your dick-in-a-bag-ass

outta here, man."

"Right, all right. Got you."

I was excited

when I got back

to my hotel.

I laid it all out

on the bed.

I was like, "All right.

"Who's gonna get

this dick first?"

I was excited.

I was excited

'cause I created

the perfect woman.

I had the black ass,

the white titties,

the Latina mouth.

Whoo-hoo! Oh, man.

It looked like somebody raped

Mrs. Potato Head and

left it all over the place.

(LAUGHING)

"I couldn't do it.

I can't do this sh*t.

"I can't use this."

There's only one thing

that I've ever used

for sexual enhancement.

One thing.

One thing.

I don't give a sh*t,

I'll tell the truth.

I'll be honest with you.

I was having

a bad week.

It was a bad

sex week for me.

I was cumming fast all week.

It was a premie week.

That's what I called it.

It didn't get bad until

my lady gave me that

frustration deep breath.

(EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE)

Your lady

ever give you that?

She roll over on you...

(EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE)

"You want me

to rub your back?

"You all right?

You want me to

do anything?

"I'm not

drinking enough water,

that's the problem.

"I'm not drinking

enough water.

"I'm dehydrated.

"I really think

that's the problem."

I've only used one thing

for sexual enhancement.

One thing.

Good thing about

me and my friends

is we f***ing... We talk.

We confide

in one another.

I called Nate.

I said, "Nate,

I don't know what's going

on with my body, man.

"I've been cumming

fast all week, dude.

"Is this

a medical issue?

"Like, really,

do I need to go

to the doctor?

"Is my blood level low?

Do I need a pill?"

He said, "Shut your ass up.

You're a man.

"Happens to

the best of us."

He said, "If you

wanna fix this right away,

I've got this numbing cream.

"You put the numbing cream

on your sh*t before you do it,

"it'll numb you up,

you'll last forever."

I said, "Nate,

I need that tonight."

True story.

I go to Nate's house,

he gives me the cream,

I put it on at his house.

I call my lady,

I start talking sh*t.

"Hey, you've been

running your mouth

all week.

"As soon as I get home,

"Operation

Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back

is in session.

"As soon as I get home."

"Whatever, whatever."

"Ain't no whatever.

"Hole-In-Your-Back as

soon as I get home."

I get home,

we go at it.

She stops me,

she starts giving me head.

(MAKES SUCKING NOISE)

I stop her.

We start doing it again.

I'm talking sh*t.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh!

"You did this!

"You did this

to yourself!

"Look at you sitting there,

looking all stupid.

"With that dumb-ass

goddamn look on your face.

"Can't say sh*t now.

"Say something!

"Say something!

"Say something!

"Say something!

"Say something!

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