Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #8

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fall in my hand.

Don't know how.

I don't really care.

I land,

I run out the front door,

get in my car,

start the car up,

I start laughing.

I start dying laughing.

The reason why I was

laughing is because

I realized that

I don't give a f***

about my family.

I was like,

"I don't care.

"I don't care!

"I don't care!"

I didn't go wake my son up.

I didn't go check on my lady.

To be 100% honest

with you all,

I don't even know

if that was my daughter

or not.

In my mind,

that was the little b*tch

from The Conjuring

that was clapping at everybody

goddamn near her.

I turn around and

back out the driveway,

my dad is sitting in

the backseat of the car.

I said, "What the f***

is going on here?"

My dad goes...

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

"Did you hear that sh*t?"

I said, "What?"

"Did you hear that sh*t?

"We gotta get

the f*** outta here!"

I said, "What about Connie?"

He said, "What about her?

"I can't carry

that goddamn chair

downstairs by myself!

"I locked the back brakes.

"The back brakes are jammed.

"I can't get

the back brakes unjammed.

"We gotta get the f***

outta here right now!"

I said,

"If you was that scared,

"then why didn't

you leave already?"

He said, "'Cause a raccoon

kept coming to the car

"going 'bang, bang,'

and then he grabbed his dick,

"disappeared into the dark.

"We gotta get the f***

outta here right now!"

He pulled out his iPhone

and he said,

"Cyrus, wake your ass up!

"Get my ass up

outta here right now!

"We ain't got time for you

to be f***ing asleep, Cyrus."

"It's Siri,

you dumb b*tch. Siri."

The toughest part

about that night

was the next morning

when I got back home.

Oh! Oh, no, we left!

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Yeah, we left.

Me and my dad made

an executive decision

to save ourselves.

We got the f***

up outta there.

The reason why

the next morning

was so tough

'cause as soon as

I walked in the house,

my lady was in the kitchen.

She was like, "Where

did you go last night?"

And I told her,

I was like, "I left."

She said,

"What do you mean, you left?"

I was like, "I left.

I saved myself.

"The only reason

why I came back

"is because I didn't see

anything on the news

"so I knew you

were still alive."

I told the truth.

I did.

The reason why I told

the truth is because

I told myself

that I'm not

gonna lie anymore.

The only way

I'll lie is if the truth

doesn't sound believable.

Ladies, please, please

try to understand that.

That doesn't mean

I was out cheating

or f***ing.

It means that

whatever I was doing

just doesn't sound right

when I say it out loud.

That's it.

That's all it means.

Everybody that

follows me knows

that all my comedy

comes from a real place.

First and foremost,

understand that

I'm older now.

I'm 36.

My friends are older

than me.

42, 46, 47, 48.

We go out,

we do older guy sh*t.

Me and my friends

go to a lounge,

this is a true story.

When we get to the lounge,

for some reason,

we're watching

ping-pong on TV.

We are locked in to

this ping-pong match.

Outta nowhere,

my friend Joey goes,

"You'd better be lucky

we don't have

a ping-pong table.

"If we did, I would

bust all y'all's ass."

I said, "Bet money, b*tch."

That's me

and my friends'

biggest problem.

We're competitive.

The word "bet" sets off

that competitive nature.

I said, "Bet money, b*tch."

Harry said, "Bet."

Wayne, "Bet."

Spank, "Bet." Joey, "Bet."

"B*tch, bet." "Bet." "Bet."

"Motherf***er, bet." "Bet."

"Nigga, bet."

"Bet." "Bet it, b*tch."

"Bet." "Bet."

"F*** you, bet." "Bet."

We get in the car,

we drive to Walmart.

We drive to Walmart,

we buy a ping-pong table.

We go back to Joey's house,

we set the ping-pong table

up in the kitchen.

We get to playing ping-pong.

Our game looks

nothing like the game

that we were watching on TV.

So we decide to add

alcohol into the mix.

Hit the ball into the net,

gotta take a shot.

You get slammed on,

gotta take two shots.

You get slammed on

and you miss the ball

completely,

gotta take three shots.

Somewhere along the line,

the game got so competitive

that Joey decided

to cut his jeans

into jean shorts

'cause he said

he wasn't getting enough

lateral movement

in the house.

Here's the f***ed-up part

about that.

It was Joey's house.

All Joey had to do

is go upstairs

and change into a pair

of goddamn jean shorts.

Here's the second

f***ed-up part about that.

Joey went upstairs

to get the scissors

to come back downstairs

and cut his jeans

into jean shorts.

Somewhere along the line,

I get slammed on.

I go to return the ball,

I miss the ball,

run into the wall,

fall down, black out.

I wake up, it's 10:00 am.

Holy sh*t.

It's 10:
00 am!

I wake up,

I look at my phone,

I got 37 missed calls,

47 text messages.

Fellas, I'ma tell you

something.

The worst thing

that you can do in life

is not respond to

your lady's text messages.

Do you hear me?

That's the worst thing

that you could do.

The reason why I say that

is because your woman

will then proceed to having

a conversation with herself

through the messages

that she's sending you.

Listen to me.

This is what

that conversation

looks like.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(SINGSONG) "So this

is what we doing now?

"Wow!

"I guess this

what we're doing now.

"You know what?

"I hope that b*tch

is worth it.

"Wow!

"So you telling me

that b*tch is worth it?

"You know what?

"Don't even come

home tonight.

"Wow!

"So you really not gonna

come home tonight?"

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

She's drawing conclusions

and answering the conclusions

that she drew by herself.

It's a sickness, ladies.

It's a disease.

First thing I do,

I haul ass into Joey's room.

"Joey! Wake your ass up!

"What the hell you

let me sleep over here

till 10:
00 am for?

"You know damn well

I gotta be home."

He said, "Let me stop

you right there, Kev.

"First of all,

I don't know where

you have to be. Okay?

"What I do know,

is that I'm where

I'm supposed to be.

"I know that.

I know that much."

He said, "It sounds to me

like you need to make

better life decisions."

I said, "Joey,

don't start that sh*t.

"Don't start that.

"This is serious.

"It's 10:
00 am!

"I can't just

walk in the house

"with nothing wrong

with me at 10:
00 am.

"I'm not drunk,

I'm not injured.

"I can't stroll in

the house perfectly fine

and be like, 'Morning,'

"and just go to bed

like everything's all right

at f***ing 10:
00 am."

He said, "Why not?

That's your house."

"I don't give a f***

whose house it is, Joey!

"It's the principle!"

I said, "Reverse it.

"Let's reverse it.

"Let's say your lady

stayed out all night.

"You'd been calling and

texting her all night,

"she ain't responded

to nothing.

"She just walks in

the house at 10:
00 am.

"In your mind,

what was she doing?"

"Oh, that means she was

out there sucking dick,

"that's what that means

she was doing."

I said, "That's my point.

"That's what she's gonna

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