Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #7

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he got an attitude.

"Dad!

"Wi-Fi's down!"

What the f***?

What?

"Well, you want me

to reboot it?

"'Cause nobody else

seems to care."

"Go! Go, reboot it, man. Go."

"I'm thirsty,

could I have a Capri Sun?"

"Son, get the f*** out

of my face.

"Just go. Go!

"Them tight-ass pajamas.

"Take your ass upstairs. Go.

"And put on some

loose pajamas!"

Now, I don't know

what made me more upset.

That, or my friend going,

"Who the f*** is Wi-Fi?"

I said,

"What did you just say?"

"I'm saying, he said that

they're gonna reboot it.

"If they're strapped,

we're strapped.

"I'ma die for mines."

"What the f*** are

you talking about, man?

"It's the Internet,

jackass!

"It's the Internet!"

"Well, you need

to say something,

"'cause we almost

lost a life today."

"Whose life?

"You was gonna kill my son?"

"Depending on

what side he was on."

What?

My dad called me

over the holidays.

"Hey!

"I miss you.

"I miss you,

I miss them babies.

"I wanna come see y'all."

I said, "Dad, all you

gotta do is tell me when,

I'll put you on a plane."

He said, "Well, I wanna

bring Connie with me."

"Dad, you wanna bring Connie,

you can bring Connie."

"Well, before I bring her,

I need to know

"if your house is

wheelchair accessible."

"Well, Dad, nobody

in my house is

in a wheelchair,

"so I never felt the need

"to wheelchair-accessorize

my home."

"Well, you need

to get it right.

"Connie's in

a wheelchair now."

"What the f***

happened to Connie?

"Why is Connie

in a wheelchair?"

"It's a long story.

"She got hit by a car."

"Okay, first of all,

you just told the story.

"It wasn't that long at all.

"Second of all,

how'd she get hit by a car?

"What happened?"

"Look, boy, I ain't got time

to talk to you about that.

"I was driving,

she was in the street,

it was raining.

"Legally, I can't talk

about it

"'cause the case

is still open."

"The case?

"You got a case?"

"Look, boy, just get

some wheelchair sh*t

for the house."

"Fine."

I don't know what

wheelchair sh*t is,

people.

I have no idea what

wheelchair sh*t is.

True story.

I went out, I bought

a handicapped sign,

I put it in the driveway.

True story, swear to God.

'Cause that way,

when they pull up,

I look like I support.

Like, hey.

Hey.

Look who's welcome here.

Like, hey.

They get there,

my dad takes

the wheelchair out of the car,

puts Connie in the wheelchair.

He rolls Connie

in the house.

Connie gets in the house,

she goes off.

"Oh, my God!

"I love it! I love it!

"I wanna see

the whole house!"

She says,

"Spoon, push me all over

so I can see everything."

My dad snapped. "No!

"No!

"Sick of this pushing sh*t!"

That's what he said.

"I've been pushing

your ass all over

the place all goddamn day.

"Wherever I sit you is

where you're gonna have

to stay

"until I feel like

moving you again."

I said, "What?

"Why can't she just

roll around the house

by herself?"

He said, "'Cause

when I sit her down,

"I'ma lock the back brakes

so she can't move."

"For what?"

"Because I love her!

"And I don't want her

rolling out of my life,

that's why."

"Okay, all right, stop.

"Everybody, stop. Stop."

I said, "Look,

y'all just landed, man.

"Everybody's

a little bit on edge.

"This is what

we're gonna do.

"We're gonna have

a family night.

"I'ma order some food,

we're gonna watch a movie.

"That's what we're gonna do."

I order some food, I say,

"Connie, go in the other room.

"Go pick out a movie

you wanna watch."

Connie goes in the room,

she picks out a movie.

She comes back.

The movie she picked out

was called The Conjuring.

For those people here

tonight who do not know

what The Conjuring is,

The Conjuring is

a scary-ass movie

that came out

a long time ago.

I said, "Connie, I don't

think it's a good idea

for us to watch that

"because of everything

that's been going on

around the house."

My dad says,

"Stop being a b*tch."

I said,

"No, Dad, I'm serious.

"A raccoon shot at me twice,

grabbed his dick,

disappeared into the dark.

"I don't have lights

in my driveway."

He said, "Stop being a b*tch!

"Connie wants to

watch the movie,

"we're gonna watch

the movie." Fine.

We watch The Conjuring.

After the movie's over,

it did exactly what

I thought it would do,

scared the sh*t out of me.

My dad and Connie,

they wanna go upstairs

and they wanna go to sleep.

Me and my dad pick Connie

in the wheelchair up,

carry her upstairs,

Connie and my dad

get into bed,

they go to sleep.

Me and my lady get into bed,

my lady goes to sleep.

I'm up.

I can't go to sleep,

'cause I got

The Conjuring

on my mind.

I hear this in the hallway.

(THUDDING)

(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Every man in this room tonight

has done this at least once.

(RUMBLING CONTINUES)

"Hey, babe, are you up?

"I just heard some sh*t

in the hallway."

"No, I'm asleep.

"Just go see what it is."

"Go put some shoes on

so you can go see

what it is with me,

"so we can both go see

what it is."

"Stop, Kevin, I'm asleep.

"Just go see what it is."

I hear it again.

(THUDDING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

You ever get so

scared that you don't know

where to put your hands at?

"All right!

"Don't make me

come out there!

"'Cause if I get out there,

I'ma be there!"

I don't even know

what that means.

I was scared.

It was the first thing

that came to my mind.

She said,

"Stop yelling at my ear,

just go see what it is."

"Well, you're up.

It don't look

like you're asleep,

"so you should come with me.

"Fine, fine.

I'll go by myself."

I sleep naked,

so I had to get up,

I had to put a robe on.

I grabbed my robe,

I start scared-walking

towards the hallway.

Scared-walking is

when you're walking,

but you're leaning

backwards just in case...

Just in case

some sh*t goes down,

you can get the f*** up

out of there real quick.

It's quick.

I'm scared-walking.

Scared-walking.

I get to the hallway.

As soon as I get

to the hallway,

I cut the lights on.

(SCREAMS)

I don't what it is,

people act like

lights can stop a murder.

Like...

Like a murderer will

see lights and be like,

"Man, I was about to

stab you in the neck,

"but you got these

f***ing lights on,

I ain't gonna do it now."

They don't give

a sh*t about lights.

I start scared-walking

down this way.

Scared-walking.

I'm scared-walking.

Scared-walking.

Out of nowhere,

my daughter jumps

from behind the wall.

(SCREAMING)

Listen to me.

Scared the living sh*t

out of me.

All I can tell y'all

is that she learned

from her past mistakes.

She had a canteen

on this hip,

she had a fanny pack

on this hip with snacks

and sh*t.

I don't know how long

she was there,

but it had to be

for a long time.

I was so scared,

I turned around,

I jumped down

my flight of steps.

I got 15 steps

in my house.

I just jumped.

When I jumped,

the air got

the best of my robe,

it blew my robe up.

My dick, my ass,

everything is out.

Somehow my car keys

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