Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #6

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so long, Daddy?

"I haven't eaten

anything all day.

"I'm so hungry.

"My lips are dry,

they're bleeding.

"I need some water right now,

I swear to God."

My kids are characters,

but my kids are

my best friends.

Honestly, they're

my best friends.

I love the fact that

me and my kids talk.

We communicate.

Now, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna act

like it's all perfect,

because it's not.

We butt heads.

I recently got mad

at my kids

because I feel like my kids

don't put a lot of thought

into the gifts

that they give me.

This sh*t pisses me off.

I'm serious,

they're making me mad.

I go all out for my kids.

So I feel like

when it's time to do

something for me,

put the same time,

energy and effort into it

that I do when

I do sh*t for you.

This is what made me mad.

For my birthday,

my son gave me a handprint.

This boy dipped

his hand in paint,

put it on a piece of paper,

said, "Happy birthday, Dad.

Love, Hendrix."

Came home excited.

"Dad, I got you something

for your birthday.

"You're gonna love it.

Close your eyes."

I close my eyes.

I'm emotional,

I start crying.

"Boy, don't do this to me.

"Don't do this.

"Not today.

"Don't do it today.

What is it?"

He said, "Open your eyes.

"Happy birthday, Dad.

I did this because

I love you."

I looked at it, I said,

"I'm gonna be honest

with you, son.

"I don't really

feel like you do.

"I don't think this is

a good representation of

your level of love for me.

"This is a shitty gift.

"It's a f***ed-up gift."

Out of the corner of my eye,

I saw my daughter

pushing a macaroni plate

back down into her book bag.

I saw her.

I said,

"What the f*** is that?"

She looked me in the eye.

"Mmm, trying to figure it out.

I don't know yet.

"I don't know what

I want it to be."

Now, I'm not gonna

lie to y'all and say

I didn't hold a grudge,

because I did.

I held a grudge.

I held a grudge all the way up

until my son's birthday.

My son's birthday came,

he woke up, he was hyped.

"Dad! You know

what today is?"

"I sure do, son,

it's your birthday.

"We gonna turn up

like we always do."

My son goes to school,

gets home.

When he gets home,

I got a bunch of presents

wrapped up in boxes

laid all out on the bed.

He opens 'em up.

I had 57 handprints

in all the boxes.

He saw it,

he starts crying.

He was like,

"What is this?"

I said, "Those are high fives.

"I got you high fives."

He said,

"But I didn't ask for these."

I said, "Neither did I."

You selfish son of a b*tch.

You better be lucky

I didn't take a picture

of my ass

and put it

in that box,

tell you to kiss

my f***ing ass,

that's what I should've did.

"I should've let Batman

rape you." I said that.

Swear to God,

I said that.

I know it's wrong,

but I said it.

When I really wanna

piss my kids off,

I let my dad

spend time with them.

That's how I really

get to them.

Here's the thing.

My kids love their grandpop,

they really do.

They just don't like to be

with him for too long

'cause my dad is too loud.

It's like the older you get,

the louder you get.

This isn't even a joke.

This is how my dad

walks in my house.

This is his entrance.

"Where the babies at?

"Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!"

That's his entrance.

It's at the point now

where I can't even

let my dad watch

my kids by himself.

I gotta watch my dad

while he watches my kids.

'Cause he does too

many stupid things.

I caught my dad giving my kids

raw candy out of his pocket.

Candy with no wrapper.

It was loose.

It was just in his pocket.

He said, "Huh, huh,

y'all want one of these?"

"What the f*** is that?

What are they?"

He said, "Peppermints."

"Ain't no goddamn peppermint.

"Where the lines at

on that peppermint?"

He said, "My jeans

must have rubbed it off."

"Nigga!

"You're not

about to give my kids

no jean-dyed peppermint!"

"Fine, more for me."

Takes the peppermint

out of his pocket,

puts it in his mouth.

Five minutes go by,

I saw my dad take

that peppermint

out of his mouth,

put it back in his pocket.

Those were half-sucked

on peppermints!

He's not gonna give my kids

no goddamn suck-and-saves.

That's a suck-and-save!

That's an old people trick.

Old people love to

suck on candy and save it.

"I'ma save this

till after church."

"Nana, eat that f***ing candy!

"Little piece of

candy left, Grandma.

"Eat that f***ing candy!"

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

My dad is a character.

The sh*t that

I'm telling you,

you can't make up.

I bought my dad

an iPhone 6 for

his birthday.

I've never seen

my dad use the phone.

Never.

He comes downstairs one day,

he goes, "Hey!

"I wanna take the kids

to go get some pizza."

I said, "First of all,

you're not going anywhere

"with my kids

by yourself.

"We can go as a group."

I said, "Where you wanna go?"

This is true sh*t.

You cannot make this up.

My dad takes

his phone out of

his back pocket,

this is what I hear,

"Cyrus, where is

the closest pizza spot?"

"What did you just say?"

(SHUSHING)

"Cyrus, where you at?

"Talk to me.

"Looking for a pizza spot.

Wake up.

"Wake up, wake up,

wake up, wake up."

He starts shaking the phone.

"Wake up, wake up,

wake up, wake up."

My dad thinks there's a Nigga

living in the phone!

"It's 'Siri',

you dumb b*tch!

"'Siri'!

"Not goddamn Cyrus."

He's a character.

I love him, though.

Hates the fact that

I don't whup my kids.

Hates it.

My dad is old school,

old generation.

Old generation believes

in whupping the kid's ass.

That's all they believe in.

It's not that I don't.

It's not that I don't.

I don't want y'all

to think that I don't.

I just don't feel like

I need to whup my kid's ass.

My voice is enough.

"Shut the f*** up!"

That's enough.

Private school kids,

they get scared fast.

(SCREAMING)

"Dad's going crazy again!

"Let's go to our secret spot!"

Private school kids.

I'm not gonna lie

to y'all.

It does piss me off

that my kids

don't have any edge.

I want my kids

to have edge.

But they're not.

I'm not a thug,

I'm not a killer, people.

But I got some edge to me.

You need edge to

survive in life.

My kids aren't

gonna have that edge.

The reason why is

because they're growing up

different than I grew up.

My son definitely

doesn't have it.

I gave up.

I don't even give a sh*t.

It is what it is.

Swear to God,

it is what it is.

I'ma tell you

the day that I gave up.

The day that I gave up,

I got some of my friends

over to my house

that I grew up with.

We're in the kitchen,

we're having a thug-like

conversation about our pasts.

"Yo, Kev.

"You remember

when Ronald got shot

"in the back of the head?"

"God damn, I do.

"I really do.

"Died on the spot."

"What about Terry?

"You remember Terry

got shot in the back?"

"F***! I remember that."

I hear my son

coming down the steps.

I hear his flip-flops popping.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

They're popping fast.

(CONTINUES CLICKING)

So that means

he's walking

with a purpose.

Something's wrong.

He gets downstairs,

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