Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #5

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girlfriend'll be there.

She'll never believe sh*t.

"An orangutan? Really?"

That's my "black girl

don't believe sh*t" face.

"Orangutan?

"Really?"

Why is that?

Why don't black

women believe sh*t?

What happened?

What happened?

You can't convince

a black woman of sh*t.

"Hey, babe.

Babe, don't walk over there.

"It's real slippery

right there."

"Slippery?

"Really?"

She walk over there anyway,

trips, falls, hits her head.

"Oh, my God,

it's slippery over here.

"They need to

put a sign up."

"B*tch, I just told you,

it was f***ing slippery

over there."

"Did you tell me?

"Really?"

(AUDIENCE ECHOING)

Could you still

have sex with the guy

that can't bend his knees?

If he was aggressive

about it?

That's an honest question.

Could you have sex with a guy

that can't bend his knees?

"Hey! Hey!

"Get over here

and get some of

this lock-knee dick."

"Don't run!

Don't run! Don't run!"

(LAUGHS)

It look like he be

skiing on your ass,

that's what it look like.

When he cums,

it looks like he jumped

a big-ass ski ramp.

Oh!

Look at all

the black women.

"Ski ramp?

"Really?"

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Oh! Stop it. Cut it out.

Stop trying to

make me feel tall.

This is how I think, people.

I'm a drastic thinker.

I'm not worse

than my lady, though.

My lady is the queen

of hypothetical thoughts.

You know what I feel like?

I feel like all women

suffer from this disease.

Women love to

ask men questions

about sh*t that

would never happen.

You love it.

"Babe, babe,

what would you do if...

"Babe, babe,

hypothetically speaking,

but not really, but if it did,

"what could might be, huh?"

You love it.

True story right now.

Me and my lady,

we're on a boat.

Right?

We're on a boat.

We hit a wave.

She go, "Oh, my God, babe,

what if we would've

hit that wave,

"and I would've fell out

the boat in the middle

of the ocean,

"and then a shark

would've started

swimming around me?

"What would you do?"

"I'ma get the camera

and start taping.

"Some sh*t about to go down.

I don't know."

"Stop being an a**hole

and answer the question!"

"What do you mean,

answer the question?

"It's a shark."

Like, I don't know

who she wants me

to be in her head.

Like, what Nigga is that tough

that he sees a shark and goes,

"I'm sick of

this shark sh*t!"

And jumps in the water

to fight the shark?

I'm not that guy.

I don't have that muscle.

She said, "Well, what if

the shark attacked me,

"but I got away,

and I swam back

to the boat?"

I said,

"That would never happen.

What kind of attack was this?"

She said, "What do you mean?"

"What do you mean,

what do I mean?"

"What kind of attack was this?

What did the shark get?"

She said,

"The shark bit off

one leg, one arm."

"The shark bit off

one leg and one arm,

and you swam back to the boat?

"That's what

you're telling me?

"Was it on the same side?

"'Cause on the same side,

you're just gonna go

in a circle.

"This is all you're

gonna do right here,

is one big-ass circle.

"You ain't going

no-f***ing-where."

"Stop being an a**hole, Kevin,

and answer the question."

"I can't answer the question

if you don't make

the question make sense."

She said, "Fine.

Alternate the sides.

"He bit one leg on this side,

one arm on this side."

I said, "So, what,

you wanna know

"what I would say when

you got back to the boat?"

She said, "Yeah.

What would you say?"

"Well, who else

is on the boat?"

She said, "It's just us.

It's nobody else on the boat.

Just us."

"Okay, let me

get this straight.

"You get attacked

by the shark,

"shark bites off

one leg, one arm,

"you swim back

to the boat,

"you climb up

on the boat,

"you're standing in

front of me on one leg,

"it's nobody else

on the boat, nobody else.

"If it's nobody

else on the boat,

"I'ma push you back in.

I'ma push you back in.

"Shark gotta finish that.

He gotta finish that.

I'm not going home with that.

"I didn't leave with that.

Why do I have to

go home with that?

"That's not

what I left with.

"The shark gotta

clean that plate.

Clean that plate, Mr. Shark."

That's what my mom tell me,

"Finish your food.

"You better finish

that f***ing food."

Y'all can think I'm

an a**hole all you want.

This is how I think, man.

I told you,

I'm a drastic thinker.

This is why I told

my family we need to move.

I'm not the father

for the environment

that we live in.

I'm not.

Good thing about my family

is we table everything.

Everything is up

for discussion.

I told my son,

I said, "Look.

I told you I wanna move.

"Tell me

why you wanna stay."

My son told me flat-out,

"Dad, I don't wanna move

because I don't wanna

leave my room."

I get it.

I went all out

for my son's room.

My son used to be

into Spider-Man,

now he's into Batman.

So I went out,

I got his whole room

painted as Gotham City.

I put the bat symbol

on the wall. His bed

is the Batmobile.

Batman is on

the actual ceiling.

When my son first saw

the room, he went off.

(GROWLS) "Dad!"

(GROWLS)

(CHUCKLES)

He was like,

"I love it!"

(GROWLS)

I told you all,

private schools

are f***ing my kids up.

They are.

My son has a lot

of white friends.

They got real long hair.

So my son gets excited,

he does this sh*t.

Listen, listen to me.

It makes me so mad.

Do you understand me?

This sh*t makes me

so f***ing mad.

The reason why is because

his hair looks just like mine.

It's just like mine.

So I'm like,

"What are you doing?"

He was like,

"I couldn't see you."

"B*tch, you see me.

Don't...

"Don't do that.

"You see me.

I'm right here.

"Don't act like

you can't see me."

He was like,

"I just wanna play."

"Fine, go. Go play."

My son goes in his room,

he plays all day.

All day.

It's time for bed.

I say, "Go in there,

brush your teeth,

wash your face, get into bed.

"I'ma kiss you

good night."

My son gets into bed,

I kiss my son good night,

I cut out the lights,

I walk out.

When I walk out,

I hear a bunch of screaming.

"No!

"Don't do it, Batman, please!"

What the f***?

I go running back

in the room.

I run back in the room,

this woman made Batman

glow in the dark.

So Batman...

Batman...

(CHUCKLES)

Batman looked like

he was about to rape my son.

He was just staring

at my son.

Hey, I'm not gonna lie,

I got scared.

I said,

"Get the f*** out

of the bed!

"Get out the bed before

he swoop down on your ass

"and I can't do

nothing about it!"

I can't beat Batman.

My daughter said,

"Dad, I don't wanna move

because I love the space."

My daughter's favorite game

to play at the house,

she loves to hide

from people,

wait for you to walk by,

jump out and scare you.

(SCREAMS)

This girl's patience

is unbelievable.

I've never seen

anything like it.

Like, I've seen

my daughter go hide,

but then I forgot that

she went to go hide.

So, like, five,

six hours go by.

I finally walk by,

she jumps out,

but she's too weak

to scare me.

(SCREAMS SOFTLY)

"What took you

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