Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #4

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'cause he stopped.

He started doing

this sh*t right here.

He started looking around.

When he looked at me, I said,

"See, that's why I don't like

doing that sh*t.

"Go, you're all right.

Finish. Finish."

He put the trash

in the trash can,

starts walking back.

Outta nowhere,

my son takes off running.

I mean, running, haul assing

towards the house.

Running as fast as he can.

I got scared

because I couldn't see

what he was running from.

I couldn't see it.

So I closed the door.

I closed the door.

No, I did.

I know it was wrong,

but I did it.

I don't wanna lie.

I shut the door.

I told myself,

depending on what it was,

was gonna determine

if I open up

the door or not

when he got back.

If it was something crazy,

I was just gonna put

my hand on the glass.

I was gonna say,

"Son, touch the glass

one last time.

"I hate that it

had to be this way."

My biggest fear in life

is seeing somebody that

I love

get attacked by an animal

that I can't beat.

That's a fear.

What do you do?

What do you do?

You look happy.

Are you in love, man?

What do you do

if you see your lady

running down the driveway

as fast as she can?

Outta nowhere,

the Tasmanian Devil jump out,

grab her face

from the back?

You wanna know the answer

to that question?

Not a goddamn thing,

that's what the f*** you do.

That's the Tasmanian Devil.

You ain't never

seen no sh*t like that.

If you look outside

and all you hear is...

(SNARLING)

You're not f***ing

going out there.

(SNARLING)

All you gonna do is react.

(SCREAMING) Oh! Oh! Oh!

"Get the f*** off of her!

"She had enough!"

My lady got mad at

me when I said that.

She got pissed off.

She got pissed off.

She said, "So if I got

attacked by an animal,

"you wouldn't come

out there and help me?"

I said, "It depends

on the animal.

"If it's a cat, I'll come out

there and kick the cat.

"I'll kick the sh*t

out of a cat.

"But if it's

a mountain lion, f*** no.

I'm not going out there.

"Ain't no way in hell."

She says, "So you

would just let me die?"

"If that was God's plan.

I'm not gonna...

"I'm not gonna

f*** with God's plan.

"Who am I to rewrite

what God wrote?

"That's what God wrote

next to your name.

"It said 'death by

mountain lion attack.'

"Who the f*** am I

to rewrite that?"

I'm being honest

with you all.

You know the real reason

why I wouldn't help my lady

if she got attacked

by a mountain lion?

I don't know if I wanna be

with a woman

that survived

a mountain lion attack.

I don't...

I don't know if I'ma feel

the same way about you

when you come

out of that attack.

Like, what if

he got you good?

What if he bit

your neck up?

Or if he bit

your shoulder off?

You ain't got

no shoulder no more?

That's tough.

That's tough.

I can't be with no girl

that don't have no shoulder.

I can't. I'm sorry.

You can call me

an a**hole all you want.

I can't be with a girl

that can't do this.

Mmm! If you can't do that...

If you can't

shoulder shrug, b*tch,

I can't be with you.

You can't

shoulder shrug, b*tch?

Mmm!

You know how many times

you shoulder shrug in a day?

You know how many times

you shoulder shrug?

Look, you did it

a little bit just now.

Little bit.

Look at you. Little bit.

Ladies, let me

tell you something.

You don't know

how important

your shoulders are until

you lose one of them.

Life will change

without both shoulders,

I promise you that.

I tell you what, you could

kiss halter tops good-bye.

That's over.

Every shirt you put on

gonna look like

a goddamn toga outfit.

All that sh*t

coming across the chest.

I don't wanna be

with a toga b*tch.

I don't want her.

The girl that look like

she won a pageant every day.

(LAUGHING)

You won every day?

Oh! Here come Michelle.

Here come Miss America.

I don't wanna be with her.

I tell you what,

if you got one shoulder

and we get pulled

over by the cops,

we're going to jail.

We're going to jail.

'Cause everything you do

is gonna come off as sarcasm.

"Ma'am, do you know

why I pulled you over?"

"No."

"Get the f*** out of the car.

Right now! Get out the car!

"You wanna be a smartass?

You're going to jail."

"I'm not! I'm not!

This is how it is.

I'm stuck with this.

"Don't do this, please."

Cop have a tough time

grabbing you out the car.

"Get your ass

out the goddamn..."

You can't be cold

with one shoulder.

You can't shiver

with one shoulder.

Ain't nobody gonna

believe you.

"What the f*** is

wrong with you?"

"It's freezing in here."

"No, b*tch, you twitching.

That's drugs.

I know drugs when I see it."

"Get your high ass out

of my goddamn house.

"You're high!"

If you only got

one shoulder,

the only game

you'll be good at

is a game of tag.

Can't nobody tag you.

You out there

dipping everything.

(GRUNTS)

"Sh*t!"

(GRUNTING)

"I can't tag this b*tch, man!

"She out here

dipping everything."

"You gotta go for

the shoulder side."

Ladies,

I can feel you judging me.

Stop judging me. I feel it.

"Kevin, you wrong. You wrong.

"That woman loved you.

"She was with you

from the beginning.

She held you down."

Let me tell you

something, ladies.

You can't hold nobody down

without two shoulders.

It's a scientific fact.

You need two shoulders.

I'll start it

with you guys.

I'll ask you a question.

Sweetie, do you think

you're the type of woman

that could

stay with your man

regardless of

any freak accident?

Yeah?

You know why I love asking

women that question?

Because your answers

are never realistic.

See, women answer

questions with emotion.

Emotion made you say yes.

"Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!"

That's emotion.

You don't even know

the f***ing scenario.

You don't even

know what happened.

So I'ma give you

a scenario.

Let's say you

and your man

taking a walk.

Beautiful day outside.

You look at

your man, you say,

"Babe, I love you more today

than I did yesterday."

Out of nowhere,

an orangutan hops the fence,

attacks your man.

The orangutan

takes his kneecaps.

He can never do

this again in life.

He is straight-legged

for the rest of his life.

You can deal with

this right here?

This ain't gonna

f*** with you every day?

Every goddamn day,

this ain't gonna f***

with you?

Looking at this?

Butt-ass naked,

going to the bathroom

like this.

This ain't

gonna f*** with you?

You a goddamn liar.

One of those days,

you're gonna f***ing snap.

"If you don't go sit your

straight-legged ass down...

"Walking all straight

all over the f***ing house!

"Sit your

no-knee-bending ass down!"

You're gonna get mad

'cause you still wanna

do knee-bending sh*t.

"Hey, babe! Babe!

We still going

bowling on Tuesday?"

All your friends hate

when you bring him

'cause he takes

too long to bowl.

They get mad.

"I can't stand when

she brings his ass!

"He can never relax.

He's so uptight!"

You get mad.

"I can't relax

'cause I ain't

got no knees!

"I got attacked

by an orangutan!"

Your black

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