Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #3

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have an answer for it.

I'm alive.

I'm still experiencing sh*t,

which still means I have stuff

to talk about.

For example,

people, I'm engaged.

I'm about to get

married again soon.

Okay?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yes.

I told my lady, I said,

before we get married,

we gotta move.

I did tell her that.

It's not that I

don't like where we live.

I just don't like the area.

It's not the house,

it's the area.

See, I don't

wanna be in Hollywood,

staring at all

the Hollywood sh*t.

So I moved out

to the suburbs.

F***ed around, moved

around a bunch of wildlife.

I don't like the animals

around my house.

This is real sh*t right now.

Right now, I have

a raccoon problem, people.

Not raccoons.

A raccoon. One raccoon.

This raccoon's a b*tch.

I can't stand this raccoon.

I got glass doors

in the back of

my house, right?

I'm sitting in

the living room,

I can see into my backyard

through the glass doors.

Outta nowhere,

a raccoon walks up

to the glass doors.

But not like a raccoon should,

not on all fours.

Raccoon's on two feet.

Motherf***er walked up

to the doors like this,

swear to God.

This is real sh*t.

Scared the sh*t outta me.

It looked like a Nigga

was walking in my backyard.

That's what it looked like.

I saw him,

I said, "Oh, sh*t!

"Look at that goddamn

raccoon right there!"

He saw me, I see him,

we're looking at each other.

This is what scared

the sh*t outta me.

To get a better look

in my house,

he put his hand

on the glass,

and started

looking in the window.

I see him, he see me.

He starts f***ing

with the locks.

(GRUNTING)

When he couldn't

get in, he got mad.

He fake shot at me twice.

Bang, bang!

Then he grabbed his dick,

disappeared into the dark.

This is a true story.

You gotta understand, people,

I don't like raccoons.

I can't stand raccoons

because I don't like

the way they look.

They look like criminals.

They got a black mask, gloves.

Everything about

a raccoon says crime.

My lady gets home, I said,

"Babe, we gotta get

the f*** out this house.

"A raccoon came up

to the glass doors,

"put his hand on the glass,

saw me, shot at me twice.

"Bang, bang!

"Then he grabs his dick,

disappeared into the dark."

My lady goes,

"What do you get

out of lying so much?

"Like what does

that do for you?"

I said,

"Who the f*** is lying?

"Who makes up

a lie about a raccoon

come up to the window,

"going bang,

bang, grabbing his dick,

disappearing into the dark?

"Like, whose life is

that bad that they gotta

sit at home all day,

"and make some

sh*t like that up?"

She said, "Obviously you,

because you're lying, Kevin.

"You know how I

know you lying?

"'Cause a raccoon

can't go, 'Bang, bang.'

"You know why?

'Cause a raccoon

don't have no thumbs.

"So how can

a raccoon go,

'Bang, bang'?"

"B*tch, maybe he did this.

Maybe he just did

this right here.

"What difference

does it make?

"The point is that

he grabbed his dick,

disappeared into the dark.

"We got a dick-grabbing

raccoon on the loose,

"you worried about

his f***ing thumbs.

"You need to get your

priorities straight,

that's what needs to happen."

I got a lot of

animals out there, people.

Coyotes, mountain lions,

rattlesnakes.

It's at the point now

where I don't like

taking out trash.

I'm being honest with you.

The reason I don't like

taking out trash at my house

is 'cause to

take out the trash,

I gotta walk outside,

I gotta walk down

my driveway.

Trash cans are at

the end of my driveway.

My driveway is

long as sh*t, people.

Okay?

It also gets real dark

in my driveway.

Reason why it gets so dark

in my driveway at nighttime

is because I turned down

the option to get lights

going down

the side of my driveway.

Reason why

I turned down the option

is because

I thought the contractors

were trying to

take advantage of me

because they knew

that I had money.

I don't trust people

that do this when they talk.

Like that's how

you talk to me, like,

"Hey, man,

you gotta get some lights.

It gets real dark out here.

"You gotta get

some lights."

I don't need no

f***ing lights.

It's a driveway.

You drive in, you drive out.

What the f*** I

need lights for?

I was wrong, people.

I need lights.

Can't see sh*t in

this goddamn driveway.

You gotta understand,

I don't like

being in the dark,

hearing animal noises,

especially when

I can't see the animal.

It fucks with me.

When you're by yourself

and you get scared,

you do stupid sh*t.

When you hear this...

(CHITTERING)

(HISSING)

You do stupid sh*t

when you get scared.

(SCREAMS)

"You bite me,

I'll bite you back, b*tch!"

You start doing sh*t

you saw in the movies.

"What are you waiting for?"

It got to the point

where I start

grabbing the trash,

running down the driveway,

throwing the trash

in the trash can,

running back

to the house.

One day I locked

myself out of the house.

Scariest 17 seconds

of my life, people.

"Open up the door!"

(SCREAMS)

(CRYING)

What is this

when you get scared?

(CRYING)

Whenever you're afraid,

the first person you

see is fully responsible

for whatever you

were afraid of.

"B*tch,

where the f*** was you at

all that time I was outside?

"Some sh*t licked my neck,

I'm out here calling you.

"You in here cooking,

that's your problem."

It got to the point

where I told my lady,

I said,

"Yo, I'm not taking

out trash anymore.

I'm not gonna do it."

She said,

"Well, I'm not gonna do it."

I said, "You don't have to."

"It's not a woman's job,

it's a man's job.

"I'ma make my son do it.

"He's seven years old.

"It's time for him

to start pulling his

weight around here.

"He don't do sh*t."

That's the beautiful thing

about being a dad.

You can do what you

want when you want,

can't nobody

say sh*t about it.

I woke my son up at

2:
00 in the morning

with a complete

bullshit story.

I kicked his bed.

"Get your ass up! Get up!

"Didn't I tell you

to get that goddamn

trash out last night?"

First of all, that was a lie.

I never said that.

Never said anything

like that.

He woke up,

he was confused.

"What? What? No.

"You never said that. What?"

"You calling me a liar?

You telling me I'm lying?

"Get your ass up.

Get that goddamn trash out."

Private schools

are f***ing my kids up.

My son, he said,

"All right, all right.

All right."

He goes,

"Let me get my flops."

What?

"Your flops?

"Boy, if you don't get

your black/white ass down

these goddamn steps,

"get this f***ing trash,

I'ma knock your head loose

in here."

My son goes downstairs,

he grabs the trash.

He's about to walk outside,

he sees it's real dark.

He goes,

"Dad, it's real dark outside.

Can you come with me?"

"No. No, I cannot.

"No.

"It's not my journey, son.

This is your journey.

"It's about you

becoming a man.

"You gotta do

this by yourself."

My son grabs the trash,

he's literally

walking outside.

He goes down

the driveway.

I could tell

when he got scared,

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