Kevin Hart: What Now? Page #11

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lose respect for me

if you find out

that I be raw-butting

these toilet seats.

Listen, the reason

why I had to go

to the bathroom was

because I drank coffee.

I don't drink coffee.

My lady drinks coffee.

She had a vanilla latte,

I tasted it.

I said, "God damn, babe.

That's good.

What is that?"

She said,

"A vanilla latte."

I said, "Yo,

I'm gonna get me one.

"Where'd you get it from?"

She said, "Starbucks."

I said, "I'm going."

She said, "Babe,

"I should go with you

'cause you've never been."

"Girl, shut up. I'm grown,

"I'ma go by myself."

"No, babe, I'm serious.

"You don't know

how it works there.

Let me go with you."

"Girl, shut up.

I'm fine."

I get in the car,

I drive to Starbucks.

She keeps calling me

while I'm on

the way to Starbucks.

"You get there yet?"

"You okay?"

"You need my help?"

Now I'm getting nervous.

Like, what the f***

is this place?

I'm really getting nervous.

I get to Starbucks,

I've never seen

anything like it.

I open the door,

it's mayhem.

All I hear is noise.

"Gimme the frappe whap.

"Frappe whap.

"Frappe what,

frapped lat.

"Frappe whap, fat lat."

I've never seen

anything like it.

I'm scared.

I'm in line.

I don't even know

how I got in line,

but I'm there.

I'm like, in the middle.

I'm trying to fit in,

but I know I don't.

I'm sweating.

I'm next.

Here's what

I don't like.

I don't like

the pressure

that the barista

put on me for not

knowing the lingo.

It's my first time ever

going to Starbucks, people.

My first time.

I'm like,

"Good morning.

"Um...

"It's crowded, right? Sh*t.

"Um, what do I want?

"Let me get a...

"Let me get

a vanilla lattet."

"I'm sorry, sir,

what'd you say?"

"Is it...

"Lemme get

a vanilla latex.

"Lattet.

Let me get that."

"You mean latte?"

"Yes, that's what I mean.

"Let me get

a small vanilla latte."

"Okay, sir, that's

one tall vanilla latte."

"No. That's not

what I want.

"I don't want a tall,

I want a small."

"Sir, a tall is a small."

"No, it's not.

"If that's the case,

I would be tall.

"Tall is tall,

a small is small."

You know what,

I don't wanna cause a rut.

"Whatever your

version of a small is,

lemme get that."

"How would you

like that, sir?

"Would you like

that iced or hot?"

F*** is going on, man?

What you talking about?

Like, when I get nervous,

I just repeat sh*t.

"Would I like it

iced or hot?

"Would I like it

iced or hot?

"F***. Um...

"Sh*t.

"How would you get it?"

The lady behind me

was like, "Mmm."

She only had one shoulder.

I stopped talking

to her immediately.

I said, "Let me get it iced."

She said, "What'd you say?"

I said, "Hot.

"Hot ice. Icy hot.

"Put it together like that.

"That's how I want it.

That's how I drink it."

"Sir, would you like

it whipped or blended?"

(SINGSONG) "Would I like

it whipped or blended?

"Sh*t.

"F***.

"Would I like it

whipped or blended?

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

"You know what, whip it.

"Whip it, whip it real good.

Just do that."

"Sir, for $2 more,

do you wanna

make it a skinny?"

"Well,

you know, I ain't trying

to leave with the fat b*tch.

"Do what you gotta do, man."

"Sir, what kind of milk

would you like?

"Would you like

whole milk, skim milk,

2%, soy?"

"I didn't even know

there was that

many milks, man.

"F***. Sh*t.

"What, you all

got the heat on?

"God damn,

my f***ing ass

is sweating.

"Can you back up?

"God damn, back up!

"You don't see

I'm trying to

take this test?

"Sh*t.

"How many? You say

there's four milks?

"F***.

"Put them all in there.

Give me every milk you've got.

"I want every

goddamn milk you got.

Put it in there."

"Sir, would you like

to cut it with caramel,

put cinnamon on top?"

"You know what?

I just want to cancel it.

"I don't even know

what I have at this point.

"Am I getting a latte

or am I baking a f***ing cake?

"Just let me...

"Let me get a banana.

"Can I get that banana?

"Just put some

water in my hand

"so I can put it on

my face real quick."

"You want that water

to be hot or cold?"

"What the f*** is

your problem, man?

"God damn!

Will you back up?

"Back up!

"Sh*t!

"Relax, bend your knees."

"I can't bend my knees

because I got attacked

by an orangutan."

The black girl popped out.

"Orangutan?

"Really?"

(AUDIENCE ECHOING)

I'm gonna be

honest with y'all.

I don't like people that

drink Starbucks coffee.

I really don't.

Matter of fact, if you're

a real Starbucks drinker

and you're here tonight,

make some noise.

If you're a real

Starbucks drinker.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Okay, all of y'all

can suck my balls.

I wanted you all to know

who I was talking to.

Here's my question.

Who the f*** do

you think you are?

Like,

do you hear

what you order?

Do you hear what

you're asking people

to bring you back?

Have you ever made

an innocent Starbucks run

for somebody?

You don't even drink it,

you're just being nice.

"Hey, man, I'm going

to Starbucks real quick.

I'ma get a bottle of water.

"Somebody want something?"

It's always one guy.

You can tell he

drinks way too much coffee

'cause he got too much energy.

(GRUNTS)

"Hey! Yay!

Hey-yay-yay!

"You going to Starbucks?

"You going to Starbucks?

You going to Bucky's?

"Do me a favor, man.

Let me get a, um...

"Let me get

a caramel macchiato.

"Caramel macchiato.

"Light ice. Not heavy.

"If it's heavy,

I'm not gonna drink it.

"Do me a favor.

"Tell 'em to put

a little bit of soy in it.

"Not a lot, just enough

for me to taste it and go...

(SMACKS LIPS)

"'Oh, boy.' Okay?

"Three whips.

"Take that third whip

to the top of the lip

"so I can take a sip,

you got it?

"You ain't got it.

I'ma say it one more time.

"Caramel macchiato.

"Caramel macchiato.

"Light ice. Not heavy.

"If it's heavy,

I'm not gonna drink it.

"Do me a favor.

"Tell 'em to put

a little bit of soy in it.

"Not a lot, just enough

for me to taste it and go...

(SMACKS LIPS)

"'Oh, boy.' Okay?

"Three whips.

"Take that third whip

to the top of the lip

"so I can take a sip,

you got it?"

"Let me make sure

I got it.

"Let me say it back to you.

"Black coffee.

Did I get it?

"Is it black coffee?

"'Cause if you think

I'ma go across the street

and say what you just said,

"you can suck

the back of my dick

twice on a Tuesday.

"Not a lot, just with

a little bit of soy.

"Enough for you to

suck my dick and go...

(SMACKS LIPS) 'Oh, boy.'

"When you get to

the top of my dick,

"slow down so I can know

you really sucked that sh*t."

Philadelphia,

my name is Kevin Hart.

Thank you!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Thank you!

God damn it, thank you!

I love y'all!

Thank you, man!

(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING)

Thank you!

From the top of

this goddamn stadium

to the bottom, thank you!

I love y'all, man!

I'll tell you what,

Philadelphia.

This is

a f***ing moment, dude.

This is a moment.

You hear me?

It's a moment.

When you look

around this room tonight,

what I love the most

is that I see

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