Kickin It Old Skool Page #5

---

You don't take me out.

You think I'm a whore?

I am no whore!

- I-

- You like that? Huh?

Do you? What's my name?

Say my name.

- Who's your father?

- De-de-de-de-de!

- Oh! Oh, oh!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doin'?

That's what adults do

on the Internet.

They get naked and ask each other

their names, right?

- Shave!

- Come on, man.

This is clearly not workin'.

Okay, what we need to do is,

we need to move to phase two.

What? It's muscle.

Just not toned.

Okay. All right.

Now, Justin, here's what

I need you to do.

You see that?

I need you to slowly-

slowly make your move

for the breasteses.

- You get it. Do it.

- There you go. Now come on.

- That's it.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Now go slow. Slow.

- Slow, slow, slow, slow.

- You don't want to hurt her.

- Like this?

No, no, no, no.

Why you got the hand turned? No, no.

Straight up like that.

Exert your manliness.

- You just squeeze it.

- Wh-Wh-What are you showing him?

You have to play it

like a soft, little...

tiny violin.

Ow!

Knock that off.

Yeah! You know, it's not a twist off.

You don't just twist the thing.

- You knead it.

- Shut up! It feels good like that for girls!

- You don't know.

- I'm doin' the lesson here! Yeah, now work it.

Now work it on your own.

Yeah, there you go. Now knead. Knead.

Lean in on her.

By now she should be likin' all that.

Lean in on her. Lean in on her.

Get in on it.

Now blow on 'em. Blow on 'em.

That's it. Now, work it. Work it.

- Yeah, work it. And lick your lips.

- Yeah.

You're a monster.

That's it.

- Come on now. Make your move.

- Stop it! Ow!

- Dude. All right!

- Justin, move on in.

Stop!

I'm a man!

I am a man, all right?

This is a man. I'm not a woman.

- All right.

- I'm sorry.

How was that?

Did I pass?

Oh, you're like

a sexual machine animal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were good.

You were kneadin'-

I was feelin' it. I was feelin' it.

Justin!

All right.

Okay, now go take a shower.

Take a shower now. Take a shower.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Damn. He's never gonna get laid.

- He gonna die a virgin.

- Ever- Die.

My man just needs a little something

to get him through the night, you know?

Put him in the zone.

If only there was something really awesome

we could get for him to say or maybe wear.

Or drive.

- So where are we goin'?

- My ride should be here any minute.

Justin.

Oh, you must be Jen.

Uh-

And you're-

A young loner on a crusade to champion

the cause of the innocent...

the powerless, the helpless...

in a world of criminals

who operate above the law.

- Whoa.

- Right.

Well, you two, he's all yours.

Justin, remember...

He's getting a little old.

Oh, and, Justin...

like a little violin.

Thanks, David Hasselhoff.

Looks like they forgot my burger.

Oh, that's too bad.

Robble, robble.

I'm sorry.

Can you say that again?

I said, that's too bad

they forgot your hamburger.

Stinks, you know.

You must be hungry.

Robble, robble, robble.

Robble, robble, robble.

Give it back!

That's mine.

Hey, give me back my burg-

Robble, robble, robble, robble.

- Ro- Ro- Robble.

- Hey! Gimme.

Why are you marrying Kip?

Excuse me while I go

look at that thing over there.

He's a total homo-

jerk-wad.

He doesn't care

about what you want...

he's mean and he- he dresses like someone

Crockett and Tubbs should shoot.

Kip's not so bad.

We lost touch for a while and met up

after college. And, you know-

I missed everything.

- Don't say that.

- It's true.

Gremlins 2, Ghostbusters II.

I just found out they made jeans

washed in acid...

which is awesome.

But I missed that too.

Stupid coma.

It's not all bad.

You missed out on pimples...

hair-metal power ballads, prom.

- Bleh.

- No, I bet prom was nice.

No. They make it sound all nice

with rainbows and unicorns.

They forget to tell you

you're gonna get your period...

in your white dress.

I wish I could have

taken you to the prom.

I would have bought you

one of those flower things...

for your wrist that matched

the color of your period.

And then the deejay would have played

El DeBarge, and we could have slow danced.

Sounds like here's your chance.

You know, now that

you're taller than the girls...

your hands go here.

Justin, we can't.

Wait.

I almost forgot.

I can't believe you kept this.

I was in a coma.

Made it kinda hard to throw out.

But I would have never

thrown this out.

This is the most important toy

I've ever owned in my whole life.

It's a good thing David

had my seats Scotchgarded.

Justin, could you please not-

I'll never...

play video games again.

Let me just shut that off.

Oh, my God.

It's Kip.

Oh, my God.

What am I doing?

Oh, my God. I'm engaged.

What am I doing?

Seriously, what am I doing?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Justin, I'm so sorry.

Justin, I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry, Justin!

- Why are you sorry?

- Kip!

- That was awesome.

Justin. Justin!

Justin. Justin! Relax.

- Tell me now. What happened?

- Okay.

We kissed on the face.

And then she opened up her shirt.

And then she- she-

I touched her left booby.

And then she cried and ran away.

What base is that?

Nigga, that ain't a base.

That's a crime.

- Justin, you just can't-

- Party!

Hey, Jen!

Aki, Hector.

Great to see you guys.

Wow. You two are like a bad buddy cop movie

waiting to happen.

What are you, Detective Rice

and Detective Beans?

Could you guys give this

to Justin for me?

We're not stayin'?

Justin will be back in a second.

He just went to the bathroom.

Yeah!

Oh, Jen!

Hey, Jen!

Hey, Jen! Hey.

Isn't this place cool?

Hey. Oh, I won this

playing Skee-Ball.

Hmm. Garfield.

That's sweet.

Yeah. Twenty-one tickets.

No big whoop.

Let's play Whaca Taco.

Come on.

Oh! Oh!

Sorry.

Hey. Number nine.

Is that number 10...

for ya, fatty?

- Justin, we need to talk.

- Okay.

But you gotta talk

and whack at the same time.

I wanted to buy you something

that you could wear...

since we're both going steady.

- But since I didn't get my allowance this week-

- Justin, we're not going steady.

But last night.

Last night was a mistake.

I'm with Kip.

We're getting married.

We have stability,

we're talking about starting a family.

I can't just give up on that because of

what we had 20 years ago.

I don't get it.

I don't expect you to get it.

It's complicated.

You're still just a kid.

May I see the Garfield eraser

for a second, please?

Calm down.

Stop it!

Try not to hate me.

I hate you more

than Garfield hates Mondays.

I thought Garfield hated lasagna.

Garfield loves lasagna!

I wish they would've

taken me off life support.

Work it, Hector!

Work it, Hector!

Oh. Yo, man!

Oh, uh-oh. What you got?

What you got, Justin?

Go, Coma! Go, Coma!

Go, Coma! Go, Coma!

Go, Coma! Go, Coma!

You can dance in a video game...

but can you dance on the street?

Ooh.

- I'm leaving.

- But you're gonna miss all the fun.

That sounds like a challenge.

Oh, it's definitely

a challenge, son.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes