Kicking & Screaming Page #3

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introducing yourselves,

and telling me

your... your strengths

on the soccer field.

All right.

Start with you.

Hey, I'm Hunter.

Hey, Hunter. I'm Phil.

Hi, Phil. Uh, I-I'll

eat this worm for $5.

How would that help us?

I'd have an extra $5?

No, you're not going to

eat that, are you?

Ugh!

Did you just eat that?

Yeah, I ate it.

Now you owe me $5.

I didn't agree to pay you $5.

Forget it.

Pass it to someone else.

I'm Byong Sun.

Hi, Byong Sun.

I am a very kind person.

Oh, that's sweet.

That's very sweet.

Anything that relates

to soccer?

No, sir.

You know, maybe you and

Ambrose could... could team up.

He's big. You... You might

form one mega-person.

Okay, forget that

I just said that.

Uh, pass it

to... to someone else.

I'm Mark Avery.

You know, I like to keep

my pimp hands strong.

You dig, cracker?

You feel me?

W- What does that mean?

I really don't know.

I heard it

on a rap video once.

Oh.

But, I'm, like, really funny.

I got like a million jokes.

Great. Okay, yeah.

I'd love to hear one. Shoot.

Remember when

you called us out

onto the field

and you fell over?

Right. Yeah?

Man! I got you good!

Somebody call the burn unit.

I got you bad!

How did I get burned?

Apparently,

I don't get it, okay.

Doesn't matter.

Uh, you know what?

Let's just do some drills.

Now, this one,

all the great players have

done at one time or another.

It's called "the snake. "

Player in the back

dribbles the ball

in a weaving fashion

around the player

and stops 3 feet

from the first player.

Hey!

Okay, that's not the snake.

Uh...

Honey,

it was your first practice.

It'll get better.

No, it's gonna get worse.

You need to give it

some time, Phil.

No. I already know.

It was awful.

The kids were

just running around.

They weren't

listening to me.

They were like

And I don't even know

what a whirling dervish is,

but that's... that's what

they were like.

You know why?

'Cause I'm not a coach.

Okay? I don't know

what I'm doing.

My dad. He's a coach.

He knows the game.

He's confident, he's smart,

witty, dynamic,

vicious, brutal, vindictive.

A monster.

And he will win

through intimidation

and forceful tactics

if need be.

I'm not like that.

In fact, I don't know

anyone like that.

Do you?

So, Paul,

what's on your mind?

Uh, actually, it's Phil.

You mean, it's not Paul?

No, it's Phil.

What's the difference?

Come on. Spit it out.

Uh, here it is.

Mike!

Hold this.

Oh, no. No, no, we do not

allow smoking in the house.

I- I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

Here, I'll

get rid of it, honey.

Anyway, uh, I-I'm coaching

my son's soccer team.

And... And I... I didn't

know if you might be willing to help.

Soccer?

Actually, uh, I... I want you

to assistant coach.

Your assistant coach?

You really don't know

who I am, do you?

You're right. Silly idea.

I just... I just

need some help

and you're such

a great coach.

My dad's gonna be riding

me all season, so I just...

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho,

your dad?

You mean I get to coach

against your dad?

Well, yeah.

Mike, I smell smoke!

Nobody's smokin'!

Mike!

For Pete's sake!

So, like, it's me and you

against your old man?

I mean,

there are other teams.

Gotcha!

No smoking means

no smokin'!

Okay, come on, Phil.

I'll throw this out

the window, honey.

Uh, I-I'm sorry, Mrs. D...

I'm sorry.

You should be.

It's a nasty, filthy habit.

Hey.

You can count me in.

Really?

Let's bring your

old man down. Oh, great.

Give me a drink.

It's just a great group.

Okay, uh, Tigers.

Look who's here.

I'll give you a hint.

Hall of Fame?

Chicago Bears?

Sammy Sosa?

No, no, no.

Come on.

No, football.

Coached the 1986...

'85.

Uh, '85 Bears

to a Super Bowl victory?

It's Mike Ditka.

Yeah.

Do you know Sammy Sosa?

Hey, zip it, kid!

I'm a coach that knows

about winning.

I'm gonna push you guys like

you've never been pushed before.

Some of you are

gonna wish I was dead.

It's true.

I know it's a weird thought,

but it's true.

I eat quitters for breakfast

and I spit out their bones.

Delicious.

Now this is gonna be the

hardest most difficult thing

you ever attempted

in your entire life.

You know what when it's

over... It will get emotional.

When it's over...

When it's over...

...you guys are gonna

be champions. Champions.

By God, you're

gonna be champions.

All right, everybody up.

Come on.

Come on, hands in.

Come on, everybody. Let's

go out and kick some butt.

Here we go. On three.

Let's have fun.

One, two, three.

Let's have fun.

"Let's have fun?"

What's that?

I just made it up.

On the ground, give me

the pushups, come on.

If you guys

were with the Bears,

I'd fine you each

$10,000 apiece.

This calls for some

drastic measures.

We're gonna make

some changes around here.

Come on, move it.

Move it! Faster! Faster!

Faster. Faster.

Move it! Move it! Put some

pressure on those legs!

Faster. Faster.

No candy! Your mother said you

can't have any candy!

Please. Give me it back.

No candy.

Please. No. Please?

Hey! I got eyes

in the back of my head.

Come on,

girls. You gotta move it.

You gotta move it.

All the way!

Come on, move it. Move it.

But, coach, how is this

gonna help me with soccer?

It's not gonna

help you with soccer,

but I'm gonna get

my trash taken out, okay?

Come on, Beyonce, let's

get that back end done.

Uh, Coach? Shouldn't we

be going to soccer practice?

I'm not going to soccer

practice with a dirty car.

Here we go, gang.

Let's go, Tigers. Come on.

Let's go get them.

Come on, kick butt out there.

You're great.

Hey, Sam.

Yeah?

What is it, Dad?

How you doing?

Good.

Good. Good.

Ow!

What was that for? Jeez!

Did you just

kick your son?

Yeah.

Stop them! Come on.

Stop them!

Stop them! Stop them!

Are you following me?

No.

Oh.

Oh.

Uh.

Oh.

Shake it off, Sam. Get some

circulation back in your skull.

Go, Jack, go.

Yes.

Yeah! Good job, Jack!

That's a legitimate goal,

right?

That's a real goal.

Okay, then,

that's a real goal.

and we're in business.

Look at me, I'm the ref.

I'm the ref. I'm the ref.

All right. Very funny.

You can't catch me if you

want, because I'm the ref.

Okay. Very funny. Very,

very funny. Very funny.

All right. You all had

a laugh? Fine! Play on!

Sorry about that.

How much do you think

those things are?

I have no idea.

Oh.

Man!

Shut up you little rats!

They're just showing

their appreciation.

Forget the appreciation.

I wanna win a soccer game!

Okay.

Hey, can I have this?

Yeah, go ahead.

All right!

Uh, good game, everyone.

Great effort.

Come on, let's go.

We'll just reconvene

at a later time.

All right, everyone.

Uh, if I could

have your attention.

I got a little something

for the Tigers here

to express my... my gratitude

and, well,

just a big thank you

for all the hard work.

All right!

So, uh...

So what'd you bring, Phil?

Finches.

Fishes?

No! No, no, no. No.

Finches. Birds.

I'm holding them.

They're tiny birds.

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