Kicking & Screaming Page #4

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Yeah, so everyone, come

up here and grab a finch.

Come on. Come on, guys.

You can watch them grow, right in

front of your, uh, very own eyes.

We have to keep them?

You get to keep them.

Why is this fun?

I want to welcome you all

to tonight's

Highland Heights Soccer Organization

parent's dinner.

Every year, we like to take

a little time

for the coaches

to come up here

to tell us a little

about their team.

All right.

How about I bring up someone who's new

to coaching in this league,

but is close to me?

I love him like a son.

Come on up, Phil.

Come on, Phil.

Come on, Philly. Come on.

Go. Yes.

Good guy. Good guy.

Good to see you.

Thanks, Dad.

Uh, thanks, Janice.

Hello, uh,

I'm, uh, I'm Phil Weston.

And you got balls!

He's got vitamins.

That's very funny, Dad.

Hilarious.

So when I took over

for Coach Benson...

I hear he's a woman now.

Ooh.

Actually, uh, truth be told, no one knows

where he is right now.

A lot of people

are concerned.

I don't know

why that's funny.

God, I'm going to be honest, I... I didn't plan on

speaking tonight.

I... I was... I was

actually hoping that

my... my assistant coach

would be here,

uh, to kind of...

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce

Mike Ditka.

It's Mike Ditka, everyone!

Say a few words.

Thanks, Paul, thanks, everybody.

It's... It's great to be here

and, uh, gonna have

a lot of fun tonight.

Paul's got the Tigers

on the move.

All right!

You live long enough,

you see everything.

Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil

coaching the Tigers.

I couldn't really hear you.

My Super Bowl ring

was making too much noise.

Ooh.

You see it, Dad? Right there,

Dad. That was a great one.

Read it and weep.

Ditka is a great coach, we understand

that, but he's a football coach.

Understand?

Right.

And we are

still losing, Phil.

Okay, I understand

your concern about our record,

but with me

it's not about win-lose.

We are going to win one game

eventually, right?

Well, we've had

a rocky start,

but with a strong team

effort, we will win some

I think.

Remember,

there's no "I" in team.

But there is an "I"

in win.

There is an "I" in win.

Hey, wait.

Uh, parents,

Honey.

I didn't see you step up

when the team was in need.

Okay.

Okay.

Phil is not the greatest

coach in the world,

I'll give you that,

but at least he's trying.

I can defend myself,

please.

You think he enjoys losing

week after week,

in front of his own son?

You're making it worse.

You're making it worse.

What's with the birds?

That was weird.

I've got my hands full with

Hunter. I don't need a bird.

Okay, you know what?

You got me. All right?

The finches were

a bad idea.

And I wasn't going to say this,

but I think some of them have salmonella.

A fair amount, in fact.

What?

I may have inadvertently

poisoned your children.

You and I,

we got something going.

You know, maybe we can coach

the Little League together.

You really think that, huh? Yeah.

Coach Ditka?

Yes?

Hi. Um, uh, our son, Byong Sun, he's

very shy and I was just wondering...

Sure. Yeah, I'd be glad to.

Thank you so much.

How do you spell that?

It's, uh, Byong Sun.

B- Y...

I think I got it.

Oh, oh, okay,

Okay?

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Thanks, Phil.

Yeah. They're great.

Just a wonderful couple.

Yeah.

Bing Bong?

Hey, Philly.

Yeah, Dad.

Hey, I've been

meaning to talk to you

about this Ditka thing.

I don't like it one bit.

Yeah, well, he's right here.

I'm not blind.

What, are you trying

to stick it to the old man?

You go to my mortal enemy

for help?

That's no way

to talk about your neighbor.

Oh, yeah?

He's right.

I hated him from the first

time I laid eyes on him.

Maybe even before that, because I

know you're the guy that wrote

"Ditka sucks" on my driveway.

What are you

even doing here?

You're just doing this

to get under my skin.

I'm glad you figured it out.

And I'm getting under

your skin.

It's gonna get a lot

worse before it gets better.

In your dreams.

Ooh.

Hey, why don't you take that

pretty young wife of yours and go home?

What did you call her?

Hey guys, please.

It's a compliment.

I said she's lovely

and she's young.

She's the light of my life.

You don't talk about her.

I go home when I want.

It's Mike Ditka. He's big.

Stay out of this.

I'll tell you for

the last time. Hit the road!

Who's gonna make me?

I am.

You're acting like... Oh!

I took a punch from Hall

of Famer, Mike Ditka,

and I did not go down.

Sure, I wobbled a bit,

but I did not go down.

That Ditka has fists

like a small truck.

Come here.

Okay.

Yeah, you need to relax.

Yeah.

You should've seen the

look on my dad's face.

Priceless.

'Cause that punch

was meant for him,

that's what

makes me feel so good.

Okay, Phil,

can we please not talk

about your dad or Ditka tonight? Please?

I... I... You just need

to relax.

You're right.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Yeah, I just get...

I'm in

way over my head.

I got punched in the face

and it hurt.

Honey, come on,

the kids need a real coach.

Phil?

Yeah?

I love you.

What does that have

to do with anything?

Okay. I quit. I give up. I

give up. You go talk to Ditka.

What for? He scares me.

Have you ever

looked into his eyes?

Or at his hair?

Well, he's been coaching

for a long time.

Share your feelings

with him.

You want me to share my

feelings of inadequacy

with Mike Ditka?

Uh. What else can you do?

Okay. You're right.

You're right.

You're always right.

I'm sorry.

I'll go talk to him.

Okay?

Okay.

And, Phil...

Yeah?

Try not to cry

in front of him.

Hey, hey, get a grip

on yourself, okay? Man up.

I can't.

You better or else

I'm gettin' out of here.

Here, drink this coffee.

I don't like coffee.

It's a vasoconstrictor.

Hey, coffee is the number

one drink in the world.

Everybody drinks it.

Even little kids in Mexico

drink coffee.

Well, I'm not a little kid

in Mexico.

Okay? In fact, I

don't know who I am.

I took a long hard look at myself in

the mirror, and you know what I saw?

What?

Nothing.

My dad, he's something.

I mean, I've never lived

up to my dad's expectations.

And to top it all off, I'm

letting Sam down. My own son!

Ah. Hey!

Ow!

Knock it off.

I don't care about that.

Why is everyone

slapping me lately?

Drink the coffee. It'll

make you feel better.

I don't... I don't like...

Um, uh,

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's good.

Picks you up.

It calms you down.

It's the lifeblood that

drives the dreams of champions.

Oh.

Now, you gotta tell me

the problem,

but if you cry,

I'm out of here.

I... I can't do it. I can't

coach. I can't beat my old man.

You can beat your dad!

He's just a man.

This coaching business,

Paul, is tough stuff.

Phil.

Whatever. It's tough stuff.

And when you lose,

it all comes down on you.

But listen, when you

put it all together,

and you win, it's the

greatest feeling in the world.

It's like

winning the Super Bowl.

Really?

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