Kicking & Screaming Page #5

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Yeah, really.

Except, you saddled me

with a bunch of stiffs.

Take me 3 years to get

these guys shaped up.

I'm sorry.

But I got a good idea.

Maybe we take a shortcut, stick

it to your old man real good.

But in order to do that, we

gotta get some fresh meat.

Okay.

Keepa this up,

you get nowhere in meat.

Maria, the prosciutto.

It's almost 10:
00.

Okay.

Umberto!

Hey, coach.

Don't you worry, I

got you bratwurst all ready.

Hello.

Beautiful. Grazie.

Right.

Are your nephews

working today?

Uh, si, in the back.

Go back and take

a look at these guys.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Maria?

Wow!

Oh, they're terrific.

Pretty impressive, huh?

Yes!

These kids are the right age, and

they live in the district. Why not?

Uh, excuse me, mister.

Your... Your two nephews...

Si?

Uh, would... would they be

interested in, uh, playing soccer?

Massimo e Gian Piero?

Yeah.

No, no, no,

they not play soccer.

They come here to apprentice me. Yeah.

They have too much

to learn.

You know, English, meat.

Too much.

So they don't

play soccer at all?

They could learn

from the American kids.

Don't look like that to me.

Please.

They play with American kids,

they... they pick up English.

A lot... lot of famous athletes

have learned English through sports.

Sammy Sosa.

Yeah.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Leon Spinks, uh,

Elvis Costello.

No. No.

Bjrn Borg, Mark Spitz.

Let the kids

have some fun.

Okay! Okay!

Great.

But remember.

Meat first, then soccer.

Yes!

I told you. Every great thing

in life starts with a brat.

Tigers, huddle up.

Get in here. Come on.

Get in here, guys.

Come on. Everybody up.

I know we're on a five-game losing

streak, but I've got good news.

Umberto. I've got two

new players joining the team.

Guys, Gian Piero and Massimo.

Now, these boys

are from Italy, okay?

So they don't

speak English that well.

We're all gonna

help them learn.

They're apprentice butchers.

Did the blacksmiths and the

candlestick makers not make it?

Shut up.

I come back,

pick up 5:
00.

Prima what?

Meat first. First!

Ah, meat first.

Yes, si.

Yes, we love meat.

You fellows, put these on.

Yeah, try them on

and, uh, take the field.

Take-a-the-field.

All right, come on!

Massimo!

Gian Piero!

Follow it.

Wow! Crazy!

Whoa.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yeah, team!

New game plan. Get the

ball to the Italians.

Come on. Guys, bring it in.

Generals! Generals! Yeah!

I just got excited.

Nice job. Nice job.

Pizza at my house.

We won, Dad.

We finally won.

We broke the Tiger curse.

Yes.

Okay, no biting, come on.

Guys? Oh. Settle down.

Everyone.

Get enough pizza?

You definitely had enough

candy, I can tell that.

I just... Ow! That got me

right in the nipple.

Hey, guys, I just wanna say:

"Congratulations

on the Tigers' first victory!"

There's more

where that came from.

That's right. You guys,

you all played great.

So did Gian Piero and Massimo who

couldn't be here because:

Meat comes first!

Right.

Got you a gift.

Soccer Dan Instructional DVD.

We're gonna keep learning

as we go.

This is where we're really

gonna hone our skills.

This will take us

to the next level. Study it.

Watch it. I only watched it for 5 minutes,

I already... I already learned this.

This is called "up and over. "

You can learn things like...

Maybe back over here.

Fakes left,

fakes right, he shoots!

What is going on in there?

Guys, I said no playing soccer

in the house.

You did. You said it a lot.

Who did that?

He did.

He did!

What? Nah!

Kill Phil!

Okay.

Hey! All right!

Goal!

Why don't our

two new players

speak any English?

Because they're

Italian.

You didn't know English

that whole first

year of your life.

You had that

made-up, like,

goo-goo,

gaa-gaa baby language.

It was

really irritating.

Dad.

You learned.

What's that haunting aroma?

I don't know.

Hello.

Hi, there.

Hi, uh,

my name is Phil.

This is my son,

Sam,

and I... I'm brand new

to coffee.

So I don't want too much.

Okay.

Can you take half of the

regular version of the coffee

and mix it with half of

the decaffeinated version?

Or is that... is that

just too weird a thing

to ask for?

Half-Caff?

Right.

Half-Caff.

Half-Caff.

We're... We're gonna have

a Half-Caff.

We're gonna have

Half-Caff.

Yeah.

And, a Half-Caff.

That's me.

Mother of Pearl!

That is hot!

That was hot.

Should have

waited for the jacket.

Yeah. I know,

I got too eager.

Another Half-Caff.

Another Half-Caff.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Uh, you.

Head.

Okay. Go.

OK.

Foot on ball, and pull. Go.

OK.

Yeah!

Tap. Pull.

Okay?

Tap and pull?

Yes.

Mama mia.

You're a real duffer,

you know?

I'm not worthy.

I'm not worthy.

How do you say

"pizza" in Italian?

Pizza. Pizza.

How do you

say "spaghetti?"

Spaghetti.

Italian is easy.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello.

Where're you

from?

Australia.

Oh, that's

a lovely accent.

Thank you.

You still waiting

for your coffee?

Yes.

Make sure you get one of these

sleeves. I burned myself last time.

Thanks for the tip.

It's something you

don't know at first.

Would you look at

those Italians go?

Oh, God, I'm

in bad shape for 11.

Worm! Worm!

Okay, Bucky,

it was, like, so awesome.

You should have

saw it.

They just score and

score and score

and score and score

and score and score.

It was all too much,

I had to take an Advil,

and I'm like, I got,

like, a headache almost.

You should get some

Italians on your team.

It's like ba-boom!

Ba-boom!

Are... Are you guys getting

any playing time, like...

No.

French Roast.

Right.

Guatemalan with

a little Ethiopian.

Absolutely.

Aw.

That's... That's

not coffee.

That's my Russian vodka!

Jack!

No! Mom!

UV index

is very high today.

I'm in the middle

of a game, come on!

I know. But your skin's

more important.

Mom, come on.

Okay, go!

Keep passing

to the Italians!

Go Tigers!

Don't forget

the meatballs!

Hey, hey!

Hey! Here we go!

Hey.

Are you serious?

I'll go change

in my car.

Hurry up.

Yeah.

Hey, Philly.

Smells good.

Yeah.

They're

sirloin burgers.

No, I mean the air.

What?

Smells fresh.

Yeah.

What do you

mean?

Beautiful day.

Yeah.

Couldn't ask for

a more beautiful day.

I'm feeling

fully alive.

Tigers have won

five in a row.

The Italians and Ditka

have won five in a row.

We're 500.

Yeah,

we're 1,000.

Look, Dad,

I got a feeling

we're gonna make

it to the finals.

You what?

Gonna go where?

Yeah.

You're serious?

Yeah, you bet I'm serious.

Looks like somebody needs to be

taken down a couple of notches.

What is the law, Phil?

Stop it, Dad.

The law says:

"You shall never beat

the old man at anything. "

Just serve.

Okay.

Oh, foul, foul, foul!

Come on!

You a little klutzy?

All right.

Okay,

here we go.

Pooh! Boom!

Sorry.

Huevos Rancheros.

You wanna quit now?

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh!

Ol!

You okay?

Serve it.

Phil? Honey?

Don't talk to me,

it's father-son time!

Come on.

Somebody should be

videotapin' this.

Ooh. Who's your trainer?

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