Kill Buljo: The Movie Page #3

that cute cop neither.

There was something between us.

My stomach turned

every time I thought of her.

Was it love? Or was it

the corn dog I ate 20 minutes ago?

Anyway, I had to find them.

And there was only one person

who could help me.

FORTUNE TELLER:

CLOUDBERRIES:

- Fortune Fiona?

- Husj!

Do you see anything?

No, this is my dinner.

So...

What can I do for you?

I need to find The Deadly

Saapmi Assosiation Squad.

Wait, I see them.

They're on a mountain.

In a cabin in Langfjorden.

I see a woman.

Woman?

What does she look like?

She has long black hair

and brown eyes.

- And big hooters.

- It's Unni!

Her hard buns

are calling out for you.

Jooompa!

Spank me, Jompa!

Spank me, whip me!

I have a cab waiting.

You've been a great help.

You wouldn't happen to know

the Lotto numbers as well?

- Oh, Jompa, I knew you would come.

- Relax baby. Jompa is here.

F***ing boy scouts!

We have to get out of here.

Quick!

First I'm to kill every last one

of those motherfuckers.

You can't.

They're too many, you'll be killed.

You're such a nag.

Nag, nag, nag.

Had I known you couldn't shut up,

I wouldn't have untied you.

Jompa, let's go. I'll tell Wisloeff

you're innocent. We must leave now.

Fine.

But then you have to lick my balls.

Come on.

Quick, after them!

My dad is gonna kill me.

Are they gone?

Hang on.

Five a day keeps the belly at bay.

I want answers.

Why did you try to kill me?

Because you stuck your big fat nose

in our business.

Now I am gonna finish what I

should have done a long time ago.

Junior High? How the hell has

an idiot like you made it this far?

I had a full tank of gas.

Jompa.

So much for keeping a cool head.

Now you listen to me, you old hag.

I am about to drive over there

and beat you to death -

- with your own wheelchair.

My mother.

Wisloeff,

the pictures are back from the lab.

We have identified

the people next to Jompa.

Could you be a bit more up front?

The pictures are back from the lab.

We identified those next to Jompa.

Moron. No more talking

out of you. Go sit down.

Peggy, the people in the picture, -

- besides Jompa have been identified

as Tampa Buljo, Kjell Driver, -

- Crazy Beibifeit and Bud Light.

We found Bud Light dead two hours

ago. Somebody cut his head off.

I have a feeling

that our little Lappish friend -

- Jompa Tormann

may be innocent after all.

But it looks like he is

on his own personal vendetta.

F***ing Lapps.

They have only two feelings.

Thirsty -

- and bloodthirsty.

Why do you hate the Saami people?

What did they ever do to you?

Oh, I'll tell you.

The year was 1979.

The government decided to put up

a huge dam not far from here.

LET THE RIVER LIVE

Don't touch me,

I am carrying a lovechild!

I was doing my job as usual,

when suddenly nature came calling.

Are you guys here protesting?

No.

You look clean, boy.

Are you clean, boy?

I did shower back at the station

if that's what you're referring to.

You look young to be a cop.

Are you young, boy?

Are you fresh?

I should be heading back.

There is a lot of people...

Drop your pants.

Drop your pants.

I think I should leave them on,

I have a bit of a cold.

Don't be modest.

Drop your pants.

Long underpants, too.

Beautiful.

Get down on all fours.

Scream like a pig.

Scream for me. Scream like a pig!

A small parrot.

Monkey, monkey.

An ostrich, be an ostrich.

A little kitty.

And now a sea lion.

Not a sea captain. I said sea lion.

Watch it, or it's back to pig.

Bravo!

Question:

Have you ever

had your sh*t shoved in?

Drop the underpants.

Because Santa is about

to enter your chimney.

Wisloeff.

We need help.

If those f***ing Lapps hadn't been

protesting like they did that day, -

- none of this

would have happened.

That's why I hate Lapps.

That, and because

they smell like cat piss.

But you're not even sure

if those two were Lapps.

I don't know anymore, Peggy.

I don't know what's

up or down or left or right.

Everything

is going to be fine, Wisloeff.

Kato.

Touch me again -

- and I'll rip off your face

and shove it up your ass.

So that every time you take a sh*t,

it'll be on your ugly f***ing face.

Unni, you're so easy to talk to.

It feels like I've known you -

- for hours.

Let me tell you a story -

- about a little boy.

He was beaten and picked on -

- constantly for 9 years.

Once, a bunch of guys came to

his house to invite him out to play.

He was so happy.

But nobody

really wanted to play with him.

When he got outside all they did

was beat the living sh*t out of him.

I can still hear them laughing -

- as he is running home

with his underwear over his head.

- Jompa, that kid was you, wasn't it?

- No, I also used to beat him up.

I was the one who pulled

his underwear over his head.

- Why are you telling me this?

- I don't know.

Maybe because I now know

what it feels like to be all alone.

Oh, Jompa!

Jompa,

I'm not wearing any underwear.

Talk about being forgetful.

I feel there is something special

and unexplainable between us.

Relax, it's just my dick.

Ooh, Jompa... Jompa.

Less talk, more f***ing.

Unni, I went to kill Beibifeit.

Luv ya baby.

PS:
You were a great f***!

Jompa

How the hell

did we end up in this situation?

- Somebody please explain it to me.

- Well, the simple explanati...

Shut up!

Any news on Jompa Tormann?

No. Nobody has seen him

since he cut Bud Light's head off.

We have to hurry this thing along.

The press will be here in two days.

And we still

have rock carvings to finish.

Can you tell me why Tormann

hasn't been to the police -

- or even the press?

- Because he's an idiot?

- Probably.

But if I know that crazy Lapp,

he'll be coming for us.

When he does, we're gonna kill

that bastard once and for all!

Only then can we start on

my next big project: Waterpark.

Buljo's rock carvings and waterpark.

It will be the most popular -

- tourist attraction in the country.

Who said it doesn't pay to be bad?

"Beloved Bastard."

Now you're on "The deep End".

Eat that!

You have a "Date with death".

Come here you little...

Needs more alcohol...

F***!

Here is Jompa!

Sh*t, I used that already.

A**hole!

I can see! I can see.

Yeah, but you didn't see the fan.

F***, f***, f***!

Buljo and company have vanished

from the face of the earth.

And we have no idea

where to find them.

Hello!

- What are you guys doing here?

- Where the hell have you been?

Buljo and his gang kidnapped me.

After our fight, I decided to...

Why is it that every time you take

a sh*t, you also have to pee?

Always.

But when you have to pee,

you don't have to take a sh*t.

They're trying to kill Jompa.

- Where are these rock carvings?

- 12 miles from here, by the dam.

I came here to find Jompa. He's

probably up there. He needs our help.

I never thought the day would come

when I would utter these words.

But what the hell,

let's help the little Lapp-bastard.

Buljo.

I've finally found you.

What the hell are you talking about?

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