Kill List Page #3

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- Crackers.

- Excuse me?

Novelty key rings. Paper hats.

Plastic fingernails. Doggy charms.

- They're my speciality.

- Sorry?

You wouldn't be, love, honestly.

You don't look like sales.

- Have the rooms got free Wi-Fi?

- No.

I'm afraid that card's been declined.

Let me just try that one more time.

Yeah, do.

I'll just ring for authorisation.

It's OK I'll get it.

Don't worry about it - I'll get it.

Hello, Shel?

Yeah, they just declined my card

at the hotel.

Yeah, they declined it.

No, there's no money in it.

One I look like a right mug,

and two it draws attention to me and Gal.

Straight away - who are these people

who can't afford to pay for the room.

- My name is Richard.

- (Receptionist) Nice to meet you.

Friends call me Dick.

(Jay) I can't believe

you haven't had ten minutes to do it.

You could have done it on your phone.

The soap's nice.

- Is it still in the wrapper?

- Yeah.

Nice. I f***ing hate dirty soap.

So, what do you reckon?

Do the usual,

follow this guy around;

see what he gets up,

who he hangs out with?

What, do it properly, you mean?

Not just mow him down in a hail of bullets

like some Hackney crack head.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(Laughing)

He's 45 and lives

in 14 Coldwater Road.

If he's got a dog,

do we shoot the dog too?

Yeah, well...

Dogs are ten a penny,

aren't they?

I just wanted to say 'thank you'

to Justin.

His teachings have helped me put

everything in perspective.

I haven't had an anxiety attack

in three weeks.

Don't listen to them.

It's like a f***ing worm

boring through my skull.

It's like a graveyard and they still

f***ing plod up next to us.

(Justin) ...you could intersect

with the group

when I saw you having trouble

rationalizing your emotional response

to Duncan's departure.

I can't wait to see him rationalise

your emotional response.

- Don't.

- (Chuckles)

- I'm gonna kill 'em, Gal.

- Don't kill 'em, mate.

I am, I'm gonna massacre

that table of people now.

In a hotel.

I ain't gonna shoot 'em, Gal.

I'm going to do 'em one at a time

and do 'em slow.

- With a butter knife?

- Yeah.

(Group member) We should have a song.

We should have a song.

- A song... OK, shall I get the old guitar?

- Yeah, go on then.

Oh f***, here we go.

You're expecting Jeremy Beadle,

aren't you?

- But he's dead, he can't help you!

- He's not going to play that guitar, is he?

J' Onward, Christian soldiers

J' Marching as to war

I With the cross of Jesus

J' Going on before...

(Gal) I even know this one.

I At the sign of triumph...

Look at 'em,

f***ing happy bastards.

J' On then, Christian soldiers,

on to... I

You're giving me indigestion.

Oh, sorry.

Apology accepted.

Sometimes God's love

can be hard to swallow.

Not as hard as a dinner plate.

(Chuckles)

God loves you.

Does he?

Well, tell God from me...

If you're the kind of people he hangs

about with, stay out of my way.

No more guitar mate,

not in restaurants.

There is a time and a place.

And your time and place

is in a very isolated location

where no one is likely to be

for about a f***ing hundred years.

OK?

Cos Jimmy Hendrix you ain't.

(Guitar smashes onto floor)

Very sorry about my friend,

please accept my most humble apologies.

And if you are speaking to the big man,

put a word in for us, will you?

Get them all a drink, love.

Double orange juices all round.

It don't look like

the house of a major villain, does it?

Oh, for f***'s sake,

a f***ing priest! Brilliant!

You'll enjoy this one, Gal.

Yeah well, at least it's not a toddler.

What's he got there?

Oh, a new brief case.

You're worried.

Maybe.

He's probably shagging kids.

Might get you a pass

on all the other terrible sh*t you've done.

It's complicated.

As a parent I'd do them all,

even if I weren't getting paid.

Just for the record,

I've hardly done any terrible sh*t.

(Music plays over dialogue)

Turn round.

Thank you.

Why do you think he had that smile

on his face?

Probably at peace, you know.

Don't know how much at peace I'd feel

if I was getting a bullet

in the back of my head.

(Jay) 'Can you see me, yeah?'

(Shel on speaker)

'Yeah, sorry I just woke up.'

- 'Sorry.'

- 'No, it's fine!

'It's just... Sam was up in the night!

- 'Is he all right?'

- 'Oh yeah, he's fine.

'Bad dreams about the cat.

'How's your room?

I couldn't tell when I booked.'

Yeah, it's all right.

- 'On schedule?

- One down.

- 'Clean?'

- Yeah, course.

Don't worry, I'm all right.

'Babe, Fiona came round.

'With a present for Sam.'

That's a bit weird.

'I didn't like her at first,

but I don't mind her now.

'What do you think?'

- You could do with the company.

- 'Yeah, that's what I thought.'

- Don't let her anywhere near the garage.

- 'I'm not an idiot.

'I've got to go - Sam's calling, all right?'

- Do you miss me?

- 'Of course I do.

always.

'Love you.'

(Distant thunder)

(Gal) Looks like nothing this bloke.

(Jay) They all look like nothing, Gal.

He does look

like my uncle Terry though.

Uncle Terry, that's a new one.

(Laughs)

He wasn't a special uncle,

he actually was my uncle.

- Right.

- Yeah, he was a c*nt.

He wasn't one of the people

your old man took money off of

to be your special uncle?

Oh, come on now. it's a family do.

Have you spoken to Fiona?

No.

She's been round at the house,

talking to Shel.

- Really? That's interesting.

- Yeah...

Says she's waiting.

What, for me?

Well yeah, I'd imagine so.

I'll leave her dangling a bit longer.

Do you know what I mean,

keep 'em keen, eh?

Gal, give her a ring.

I don't want some...

...glary eyed phantom kipping

in my front room when I get home.

Don't you dare

talk about my Fiona like that.

She's a good looking girl.

She's a bit of a f***ing demon in bed

as well, I tell you.

- Yeah?

- Oh!

F***ing hell!

- Details?

- You know...

Put it this way, I had to shave

my pubes afterwards.

Gal?

What, are we off?

Right, we'll go and see

what is in that lock-up first.

Really?

I thought we were

just going to observe?

No, we are going to go

and have a look, mate.

Lovely... it's a wank den.

You don't get shot

for having a wank den.

Porn business?

There's not enough of it.

No, you're right.

(Scream on TV)

F***.

- Uh.

- What?

You don't want to f***ing look

at that boy, I'll tell you.

Well, I've got to now, haven't I?

F***ing hell, mate.

(Screaming and wailing from TV)

(Screams) Help. Help!

(Glass breaks)

There's been a mistake.

Oh, yeah?

Mistaken identity.

Just remembered we're your burglars?

Really?

If you are, take what you want.

(Gal) I could do with some reassurance

that the world's

not full of murdering perverts.

We saw the lock-up.

- Christ.

- (Gal) Yeah.

(Gal) It's game on, big lad.

Yeah, don't bother. F***ing freak!

(Gal) Listen mate...

I've seen your wee film.

I'm just the librarian.

Who for?

This is not fair.

I'll show you 'not fair'.

Please.

Don't - because it makes me

hate you more, yeah?

Who films it?

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