Kindergarten Cop 2 Page #3

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And last but not least,

the winner of the name our intramural

gender-neutral wrestling team"

is Quinn Stevens.

The Magic Markers.

Have a great day

and be the change.

Good morning, friends.

Today is such a special day.

Children, this is Mr. Reed.

Good morning, Mr. Reed.

Morning, kids.

Wow, they're so well-behaved.

Well, we strive to create

an environment of learning

that fosters emotional safety

and respect for boundaries.

I'll leave you to it.

Uh, lesson plan is on the desk.

If you have any questions,

just ask.

Now, children, remember,

Mr. Reed is a citizen

of Earth just like you.

Be kind to each other.

Good luck.

Well...

Listen, children.

Good news.

Today is technology day

at Hunts Bay.

We're gonna learn

about computers.

Who knows what this is?

Yeah, you.

Bumblebee dress.

It's a flash drive.

My dad says the government

is taking away our rights.

Okay, good.

Now, did Mr. Flaherty ever

show you one of these before?

Yes. Our guinea pig's

name is Meeja.

Oh.

Okay.

Good to know.

But we're talking

about flash drives.

We wanted to name her Shahbo Beebo but Mr.

Flaherty already said her name was Meeja

and if we called her a different

name, she'll get confused

and sometimes she like

makes very big poop.

Do you want to hear the poem

we wrote about Meeja?

Not really. No.

The guinea pig Meeja...

ls a rodent and...

Meeja is her name.

Super. Great.

Every guinea pig loves...

Carrots...

And...

People love guinea pigs.

Awesome, guys.

Great job. Love it.

Now, let's focus and talk about

Mr. Flaherty and flash drives.

But it's story time.

No, actually,

it's technology day,

so that will make it

flash drive time.

No, it's story time.

Says who?

"Rainbow Bird gave his

shiny silver feather

"to the crow who only

had black feathers.

"He gave his radiant red feather

"to the seagull who only

had white feathers.

"But when the Rainbow Bird

gave away his last feather,

"he realized he wasn't

special anymore.

"All his wonderful feathers

"that were as colorful

as a rainbow were now gone.

"But the Rainbow Bird

wasn't sad.

"He didn't have his

beautiful feathers anymore,

"but sharing his gifts

with the other birds

"was even better."

Come on! Seriously?

Kids, this book

is full of liberal BS.

Do not listen to this book.

Let me tell you,

sharing is overrated.

If you have something special,

you don't need to

share it or hide it

or feel sorry

for the other losers

that aren't as talented

as you are.

Never apologize for abilities

that makes you better

than other people.

I thought

this was a good teacher.

My dad is gonna teach me

how to shoot his gun.

Good.

Maybe you should

wait a couple years,

but, yeah,

better safe than sorry.

Taser.

Hey.

Can I help you?

Oh, hey, there, yeah. They...

They told me I could find

a flash drive in here.

Oh, hey, you must be

the new guy.

Zack Reed.

Hey, Hal Pasquale.

I teach computers

and technology.

Okay. Well, I better...

So, are you married?

Uh, no.

Ah. Same.

But I'll tell you, some of

the teachers here are fine.

Oh, God, it's just so cool to

have another dude working here.

I really feel like my cycle's

starting to sync,

if you know what I mean.

Uh, not really...

Yeah, you and I,

we should hang out sometime.

I know a lot of clubs

around here.

It's like shooting fish

off a fence.

Yeah, sounds awesome.

We should do that. Great.

So when's good for you?

Well, I gotta check my schedule.

Oh, yeah, I hear you.

I got a...

I got a lot of stuff

going on, too.

You just enter your number there

and I'll give you

a text sometime.

Yeah.

Great.

Whoa!

All right, I'll check you later.

All right. Hey, hey, hey.

Pound it out.

There you go.

Hey, I'll text you later.

Maybe after school

we can go for a brewski.

Okay, get your lunchboxes, guys.

Can you heat up my tofu?

Really?

Wow.

Okay. Come on.

You can't microwave the plastic.

Why not?

'Cause the plastic

leeches into the food.

My moms only use

BPA-free plastic,

but still, you're not supposed

to microwave the plastic.

Okay, whatever.

All right.

I'm gluten-free.

Congratulations.

Gluten makes you fat.

Well, I do 90 minutes of cardio

and weight training

every morning,

so I think I'm good.

Gluten can also

cause Alzheimer's,

so you'll probably die.

I'll take my chances.

Mr. Reed,

can you open my lunch?

Okay, sure.

Really?

Doesn't anybody eat

turkey sandwiches anymore?

It's Meatless Monday.

Oh. Good.

Lucky I brought a PB and J.

What's a PB and J?

Peanut butter and jelly.

Peanuts?

Peanuts?

Peanuts?

Peanuts?

Hey, what's going on?

Hey! Come on, kids.

You're not gonna die.

What's going on?

You're not gonna die!

Hey, no! Stop!

What is your malfunction, kid?

What is going on in here?

I don't know!

They just started freaking out.

Is that peanut butter

on your face?

Yeah. So?

- Put Cowboy down immediately.

- Ow!

All right.

This is a

peanut-free zone.

Seriously?

That means no peanuts,

no tree nuts, and no legumes.

Cowboy is highly,

highly allergic.

Cowboy, honey,

let's go to the nurse's office

in case you need a shot

with an EpiPen.

I don't want to die.

You're gonna be fine.

Ooh.

You were supposed

to bring him to me.

We tried.

But he got away.

I want that drive.

But he's in federal custody now.

"Federal custody now."

Okay.

I guess that's it.

Put it on the grill.

All right,

everybody, snack time.

I brought a special treat for you

guys 'cause today's my first day.

And, Cowboy, look,

no peanuts. I checked.

Who wants some

chocolate chunk cookies?

Do they have 78% cacao?

No. This is real chocolate.

Milk chocolate.

With processed white sugar?

Who cares?

It's chocolate.

Okay, guys, you're in for an

awesome surprise. Come on.

Well, good to eat some real

chocolate once in awhile, huh?

You guys earned it.

Anyway...

So, I just wanted to talk to you

about your old teacher,

Mr. Flaherty.

Did he ever play any

hiding games with you?

Okay, everybody gather around!

Hey! I am not...

Put that away!

Stop! Put that thing down!

Settle down!

Settle down! Hey!

Back off, guys!

Step up, front and center!

Settle down, kids.

Quiet!

Hey, you!

Don't touch the paint!

Come on, guys!

Hey, stop it!

Mr. Reed, I have to

go to the bathroom.

Yeah? Well, good for you.

Yeah, go ahead.

I have to go really bad.

Okay, so go! So go.

I want you to take me.

I'm not taking you, kid.

Hi.

She peed on me.

Oh. Oh, God, okay.

Sophie, I'll get you

cleaned up, sweetie.

Hey, guys,

just keep coloring, okay?

It's okay.

Okay.

Shh. Okay,

go sit down.

Come sit down, guys.

Okay. I want everyone

to close their eyes.

It's meditation time, remember?

Good job.

So take a deep breath in,

deep breath out.

Good job.

Keep breathing, guys.

Breathe in.

Close your eyes.

Deep breath out.

Good job, guys.

Keep breathing.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

You're a lifesaver.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Things can spiral out of control

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