Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Page #8

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- ...the couch is good.

- What? Stop. Harry.

Or I can keep drinking

until it goes away.

Harry, seriously,

if you're at all uncomfortable...

...I am more than happy

to do something.

- For chrissake, no.

- Why not?

I don't want you to offer it as-

Not, "It's a courtesy freebie. "

- You're so anal.

- I don't want the backup:

"Let me just give you a hand here"...

...as a kind of, like,

default backup thing.

You're gonna stop calling me.

No. You know, that's crazy.

I swear to God, this is it.

You are the dream girl.

You always have been.

This is destiny.

Okay.

Before we do this...

...I have a little confession to make.

My best friend! You said you were going

to drop by his house, wave goodbye.

I was leaving for L.A.

I was never gonna see him-

- He looked sad.

- He looked sad?

- Yes, he did.

- You slept with Chook Chutney.

F***. For chrissake, Harry,

it was forever ago.

Come on,

I was a different person back then.

- You slept with Chook. Excuse me.

- Come on.

- Watch your hand.

- Harry!

- Yeah.

- Harry, was she raped?

The Dexter girl, was she raped?

No, the ME's report showed no

indication of rape stuff.

You slept with Chook Chutney.

Wake up. Harry, wake up.

- Get up.

- What's up?

Harmony's in trouble. Get dressed.

Let's go.

Perry, it's me. Listen,

this Veronica Dexter business stinks.

I'm gonna go

check on something Harry said.

Call me. If I'm right, you'll sh*t.

- What did you say to her?

- Nothing.

- I don't get what's happening.

- She solved this thing.

That sly little minx of yours has solved

this case, and now I can't find her.

- You're worried.

- You're not worried?

Of course. If you are, I should be.

Now, what did you say? Think.

- You said something about the case.

- Yeah. Yeah.

What?

I tell him about destiny.

He's shaking his head.

About dream girls, he doesn't care.

I mention the underwear thing...

...he has a f***ing conniption.

And you?

How about it, filmgoer?

Have you solved the case

of the dead people in L.A.?

Times Square audiences,

don't shout at the screen.

And stop picking at that,

it'll just get worse.

- This won't take a second.

- Right.

Hi. How are you doing tonight?

They gave away my crickets.

Excuse me, you wouldn't, by chance,

happen to have seen this woman?

No. I don't like him.

Kurt Cobain, he took my cricket.

Of course. That's sad.

Ma'am, I hope you won't be offended

when I ask you...

...if you're wearing anything at all

underneath your hospital blues.

Any undergarments. It's important.

That's the clue.

Veronica Dexter was a patient here.

Private mental clinic,

where even nice girls don't wear undies.

How could she be here and meanwhile,

she's out having parties?

Think. First she hates her dad, then loves

him. Has a lawsuit, withdraws it. Why?

- I'll tell you why.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

So it's two different girls, right?

He stashed his daughter in here,

and then he put the ringer on the street.

He needs someone who looks like her

to withdraw the complaint.

- It's been 10 years.

- This is nuts.

- It's right out of a Gossamer book.

- Of course...

...because the guy who planned

the crimes has all the books.

He's read them all. They're in his house.

Plus, he was in that piece of sh*t...

...movie.

You're telling me the girl imposter-

A desperate man needs

a replacement daughter.

Along comes a girl, Harmony's sister.

- Fresh off the bus, looking for her dad.

- I'd say I found my imposter.

Let's get out of here.

- So where did she go from here?

- Shut up, I'm thinking.

By the way, this thing:

Single gayest thing you've ever done.

- Evening, gentlemen.

- Hi, we are so incredibly lost.

Mr. Van Shrike, hello.

You look chilly. Come back inside.

I'm from back East.

I'm kind of digging the cold.

- F***! He's the one who said it.

- Or I can kill you here.

Harry, I was thinking some more

about this reality versus fiction.

Like in the movies, when a guy sticks

a gun at some schmuck's back and says:

- "Let's take a walk. " He's got a hostage.

- I've seen that movie.

In reality, the pros like about

five feet of separation.

That's so the schmuck doesn't take

the gun back and make him eat it.

Doesn't that suck?

I just hit you for no reason.

Watch it.

- Tell us where Harmony is.

- F*** you, Mary.

You don't get it, do you?

This isn't "good cop, bad cop. "

This is fag and New Yorker.

You're in a lot of trouble.

For chrissake, who are you protecting?

It's all over. Dexter is going down.

- Down.

- I know about Veronica's lawsuit.

I know Dexter was facing ruin.

I even know he switched daughters.

Which, for God's sake, actually

did work for a while, till last week.

- Then he had to kill her, huh?

- Put a sock in it.

- I'm asking a question.

- If you ask questions...

...then it seems like

we don't know anything. Okay?

And for the record, it was the boyfriend,

the guy from Paris.

He would've spotted the fake and said,

"That's not Veronica. " Am I right?

- F*** you!

- Exactly.

So Dexter had Veronica killed,

threw a dress on her...

...dumped the body and walked away

clean, except for one little thing.

- Underpants.

- One tiny little pair of undies.

Yeah.

You think that's funny, huh?

I'm gonna break your nose now.

I want you to picture a bullet inside

your head. Can you do that for me?

F*** you.

- Anyway, that's ambiguous.

- Ambiguous? I don't think so.

He means when you say,

"Picture it inside your head"...

...is that "a bullet

will be inside your head"...

- ...or "picture it in your head"?

- Harry, will you shut up.

I don't know anything about a girl,

seriously. I was bluffing.

- I think that you are bluffing right now.

- Harry, what are you doing?

What I'm doing for the guy

who likes to bluff...

...is I'm playing a little game called

"Am I Bluffing?" Where is she?

Where the f*** is Harmony?

You want to play hardball?

Where is the girl?

What did you just do?

- I just put in one bullet, didn't I?

- You put a live round in that gun?

Yeah, there was like

an 8 percent chance.

- Eight? Who taught you math?

- Maybe it was more. I don't know-

Sh*t!

- Hello?

- Perry, is that you?

- Hey, it's me.

- Hi, Harmony.

- What's going on?

- Where are you?

- At home.

- You're at home?

I just got back. I was in the Hills

all day. Shitty reception.

- You don't sound so good.

- Why aren't you following your lead?

Oh, forget it. It's just crazy.

No, it's not crazy. Listen-

- It's right out of a Gossamer book.

- Don't talk. Listen.

- Eight percent.

- And you, stop multiplying.

No, not you. Listen, call downtown...

...see if Veronica Dexter's body

has gone to the mortuary.

If it has, see if there's

a cremation scheduled.

- Wait, Perry.

- Call me back right away.

Look, he was gonna kill you anyway.

He said so.

Cover him up. I'll get the car.

- All right, that's pretty much all done.

- Harry-

I got an idea. I say we take

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