Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Page #9

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the son of a b*tch Dexter down.

To the racetrack and buy

the son of a gun a drink.

What do you say, Perry?

Oh, f***, no fair. No f***ing fair.

Aurelio, give Mr. Van Shrike

a little pat down.

F***ing maricn.

Toss it here. Let's see who it is.

We're in trouble. Dexter's got us.

He just asked a carpet-cleaning service

to save him.

Sorry, kid. Good hands, though.

Thanks. Used to be a magician.

And for 39.99 we'll carpet

up to three rooms in half the time.

That's a $40 value. Act today.

That chick in the casket,

she won't even match up with that...

...ringer you been toting around.

You ever think about that?

He did, Harry.

That's why he's cremating the body.

Yeah, you ready?

Speak of the devil. Gotta go.

Perry, nice to have known you.

- Harry.

- Harry. Yes, of course.

Harry from New York.

I hope you don't judge Los Angeles

based solely on your experience tonight.

I'm kind of scared here, Perry.

Aurelio, why don't you give

the kid a break?

Do unto others and all that.

It's Christmas.

- Who else knows?

- I don't know anything.

I'm not even from here, you f***-up.

Mr. Dexter, the coffin's good to go.

Okay, let's burn the b*tch.

You could zap his chest.

It'd be easier.

But we know why you gotta do

it down there.

You like looking at his Johnson,

don't you?

Admit it, dude, you got it in you.

Enough! Look me in the eyes and

tell me you've never been with a man.

- F*** you, maricn! F*** you!

- That's what you want, isn't it?

- You want to f*** me.

- Stop helping. Stop helping.

- If you are not gay, just say so.

- F*** you, maricn!

- Look at him. He can't even say it.

- Stop helping!

- Cant wait to have you as a patient.

- Bet you can't.

- This is what you want. Here.

- Shut up!

Take a look. You want some of this

right here? Look at this.

Just shut up!

Yeah!

Homophobes never check there.

Thank God you had a gun in there.

I thought it was a gay thing...

...like somehow

you guys could do that. Sorry.

- Are you okay?

- Not really, no.

Gentlemen, let's wrap it up

and get out of here.

- Who's driving?

- I tell you what, I'll flip you for it.

All right.

- This way, come on.

- Sh*t!

- Yeah.

- Hey, Harmony, it's me.

Oh, God, how did you get away?

I shot him with a small revolver

I keep near my balls.

I can't get to my car. We're near Olive

and the freeway. Can you pick us up?

I'm in a van with the body.

I'll be there in 30 seconds.

All right, be where I can see you.

Be ready to move.

Sh*t, they're on my tail. I gotta go.

Right there. She's right there! Sh*t.

Harmony!

Harmony!

- Harmony!

- Harry, don't!

Come on, we gotta go. They're coming

back around. Harmony's down there.

Perry, what's wrong?

Come on, breathe.

Harry.

Harold.

Harold...

...use your awesome might.

Save me from this hopeless plight.

Harold...

Harmony!

Captain F***ing Magic.

Come on!

No.

There, all done.

Finished.

Harry.

- Did you call me?

- Harry, you're shot.

No, no. Look, you want

to see something cool?

Cool! This stopped the bullet, Harry.

No, not really.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, God, Harry.

Harry.

- Hi. Welcome back.

- Yeah.

- How many fingers?

- Put that cat down, because I'm allergic.

You feeling okay? How's your...?

- My what?

- Well, your....

- Everything down there.

- I can't believe he told you that.

It's Christmas,

where's my present, Slick?

Your present is you're not in jail,

fag-hag.

Yeah, boo, hiss, I know.

Look, I hate it too.

In movies where the studio gets all

paranoid about a downer ending...

...so the guy shows up, he's magically

alive on crutches, I hate that.

I mean, sh*t,

why not bring them all back.

But the point is, in this case,

this time, it really happened.

Perry, like, lived.

Yeah, it's a dumb movie thing...

...but what do you want me to do,

lie about it?

So you found something out?

Yeah. But you're not gonna like it.

Dexter didn't murder your sister.

That's crazy. He was using my sister

to impersonate his daughter, Perry.

Never happened.

I talked to my police guy.

The ringer was a girl named Mia Frye,

When she wasn't impersonating

Veronica Dexter...

...she wore a pink wig.

But my sister sent you up

to Big Bear Lake, to his cabin.

Your sister was convinced

that Dexter was her natural father...

...so she started following him,

hanging around.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

One day your sister came calling,

and she saw Dexter...

...in bed with the pink-haired girl.

What she thought

was father and daughter.

Remember,

that's how it would appear.

It was too much for her.

First the old father,

now the shiny new one.

She couldn't handle it,

and she took her own life.

What she hired me to film

wasn't murder, but incest.

I'm sorry.

So much for unreality.

I said goodbye...

...watched Johnnys world

go back on the fiction shelf.

But while it lasted, brother...

...it was one for the books.

You should've told me

you were arrested five times.

I should be pissed.

You should have told me that when you

go home, you put on lady's underpants.

- That's cross-dressing, imbecile.

- Whatever.

Half those guys are straight.

Perfect fathers, love their kids.

How about you?

Did your father love you?

Sometimes. You know, when I dressed

up like a bottle. How about yours?

Well, he used to beat me in Morse code,

so it's possible...

...but he never

actually said the words.

- Harry.

- What?

Don't steal any more sh*t.

You're not a punk.

You bet I'll turn around.

You like that, huh?

I saw him in the commissary twice.

What is he, like 6'4"?

He doesn't know he's gay.

Look how he walks.

So that's pretty much that.

We went back to Indiana,

the three of us, for Jenna's funeral.

Don't worry,

I saw the last Lord of the Rings.

I won't have the movie end 17 times.

There is, though, one final scene

for your viewing pleasure.

Do I know you?

No. Just in town for the funeral.

What do you want?

The zoo was closed, so I thought

I'd come here and look at an animal.

Son of a-

Who do you think you're talking to?

I buried my daughter today.

No.

You buried her 20 years ago.

Harmony was right,

her sister was murdered.

You pulled the trigger. It just took

this long for the bullet to hit.

Who are you?

I loved my girl.

You f***er!

If I could get out of this bed-

Yeah? Well, you can't.

You bastard!

An old man that can't defend himself.

Big tough guy.

Yeah, that's right.

Big tough guy.

I prefer Genaros, but what do I know?

I'm a bear. I suck the heads off fish.

That's it. That's the true story

of what happened last Christmas.

That was some pretty harsh sh*t

with the old guy back there, right?

But whatever, he's creepy.

F*** him. Don't worry about him.

Anyhow, so....

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for taking the trip to L.A.

with me.

If I had to sum it up,

and I do-

Because, you know,

it's, like, the end.

- I would say that this movie is about-

It's about friendship.

- Friendship is sacred.

- What are you doing?

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