Knocked Up Page #10

'Cause Debbie's a pain in the ass

and Pete's awesome.

Why don't you just come over

then, and we'll just diffuse

the situation a little.

I'm just saying the music industry

is different now.

You can't...

Steely Dan would never

even have a chance.

Well, maybe it's 'cause

Steely Dan gargles my balls.

They're incredible.

They really

aren't good, man.

Old Steely Dan.

If I ever listen to Steely Dan,

I want you to slice my head

off with an Al Jarreau LP.

Oh, I should get going.

I'm supposed to see this

band tonight in Hollywood.

Actually, they're playing

in Laurel Canyon,

so I'll call you 'cause

the reception's terrible

over there, so...

Okay.

And I don't want you to worry

'cause I know you worry.

I'm just gonna jump

in the shower.

It would be terrible if I smelled

worse than the band.

Okay. Have fun.

All right.

You guys are crazy.

He's acting totally normal

and hilarious.

She doesn't have a gun,

does she?

No. I don't think so.

Looks like no one's home.

Why was the door unlocked?

Wait here.

I kind of feel bad for Pete.

What?

This isn't a good way,

you know.

If you're gonna

get caught cheating,

it shouldn't be like this.

Well, maybe he should've

thought of that

before he was cheating.

Pete!

Stop it.

I coughed.

What do you want from me?

There's nobody up there.

Thank you.

I guess I was wrong.

I told you.

Can we get out of here,

please?

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

Suck it!

Did you hear that?

What?

I didn't hear anything.

Carlos Delgado.

Excellent choice.

Too bad I got him

three rounds ago.

You're still on the clock.

Oh, sh*t!

You gotta do something.

We need a name.

Hideki Matsui.

You just took

my whole outfield.

Sorry, Charlie.

What is this?

Debbie.

What the f*** is this?

It's our fantasy baseball draft.

We said no wives.

Your fantasy what?

It's our draft

for fantasy baseball.

I told you all about this.

Got Matsui.

Sh*t!

Hey, Pete, don't let

the door hit you

in the vagina on the way out!

Come on, who's going?

Prince,

you're on the clock.

I should have told you.

What else have you

been lying about?

Nothing...

That guy said,

"Don't let the door hit you

in the vagina on the way out."

Yeah, I heard him.

That was hilarious.

It's just that I know you've

been mad 'cause I've

been working so much,

and I didn't want

to upset you.

I wouldn't be mad.

I don't get mad.

It's a fantasy baseball draft.

I'm not cheating or anything.

No, this is worse.

How is this worse?

This is you wanting

to be with your friends

more than your family.

Look, the reason I make

that up is because if I told

you what I was really doing,

you would just get mad.

So you think I'm seeing

a band, I do my fantasy draft,

and it's win-win.

Well, what'd you do last

Wednesday night when you said

you went to see a band?

I went to the movies.

With who?

By myself.

What'd you see?

Spider-Man 3.

Why do you want

to go by yourself?

Why didn't you ask me to go?

Because I needed

to get away, you know.

With work and you

and the kids, sometimes I just

need some time to myself.

I need time for myself.

I want time for myself, too.

You're not the only one.

It's not that big of a deal.

I like Spider-Man.

Okay, so let's see

Spider-Man 3 next week.

I don't wanna go see it now.

I don't wanna have

to ask you to ask me.

I want you to just come up

with it on your own.

I don't even know what to say.

What do you want me to do?

You just think because

you don't yell that you're

not mean, but this is mean.

I'm not being mean.

I'm being honest.

You're telling me

I need to be honest.

No, you're not. You're lying.

I'm doing it because I need to

keep my sanity a little bit.

You know what?

I don't want you

at the house anymore, okay?

Come on.

Sh*t, she's coming back.

How come we go to

the gynecologist so often?

I bet we have to go so much

so we can pay for that

$300,000 machine he has.

I cannot stop thinking

about what an a**hole Pete is.

That's a little strong,

I would say.

Really?

'Cause that had to be

one of the most selfish things

I've ever witnessed.

It's understandable,

I would say. I even think

it's kind of funny.

What's funny about it?

Well, you won't laugh now,

I wouldn't imagine,

but, you know, the situation.

We break into this stranger's house

thinking we're gonna find him

sleeping with a woman,

and it's a bunch of nerds

playing fantasy baseball.

If you saw that, like,

on television, you would laugh.

Is that what you think?

Is that what you wanna do, Ben?

I don't even

like baseball.

I'm just saying,

when you're a guy and,

you know, you have a family,

you have responsibility,

you lose that male camaraderie.

And I get that.

I totally understand

where he's coming from.

Why do guys always go

to that place?

"We miss male camaraderie."

Why do I give a sh*t?

Go hang out with your bearded

freak friends. I don't care.

You wanna hang out with guys

that look like the shoe

bomber, it's all on you, man.

What the f***

am I supposed to say to that?

You should just support me!

You know, you should just

support everything I say

because at this juncture in my life,

I'm allowed to be wrong!

So if you're wrong,

I have to support it?

Yes!

I can't tell you that

you're acting like a lunatic?

No.

No? Okay.

That's helpful.

You have to do nothing!

I've sacrificed

a lot of sh*t to do this!

You haven't

sacrificed anything!

I have.

I've had to sacrifice my job,

my body, my youth, my vagina!

You've sacrificed your vagina?

Yes! It will never look

the same after this!

Well. Fine. I'm sorry,

I'll pay for vaginal

reconstructive surgery.

You can't pay for sh*t!

You can barely buy spaghetti!

You're right! Fine! Okay.

You know what?

Get out of the car.

You know what? How...

Why don't you not threaten me?

You should just get out

of the f***ing car.

I'm not gonna get out of the car

in the middle of nowhere! No!

Get out of the car!

No.

I own this car!

Get out of my car!

No.

Get out of my car!

No.

Get out of my f***ing car!

Can you let me back

in the car, please?

Have you calmed down?

Did you take a breath?

I have no clue where we are!

Fine. Go.

Great.

Okay.

Maybe I should take

my shoes off. Or my belt

buckle, my belt buckle's huge.

Don't worry

about gaining weight.

Your baby wants you to gain

a whole mess of weight.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Why don't you take off

your earrings, too?

They weigh about 80 pounds.

They're made out of moon rocks,

aren't they?

Do not make fun of me.

Okay? I am hormonal.

I am terrified,

and I am falling apart,

so stop treating everything

like it's a big joke!

Okay, I'm sorry

you're freaking out,

but I just walked

three f***ing miles through

Koreatown to get here!

Sorry if I'm trying

to lighten the mood a little.

Well, don't, okay?

You can't take anything seriously!

You know, you didn't even

read the baby books.

I didn't read the baby book!

What's gonna happen?

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes